... To consider a second child purely to give our son a sibling?

[Brassrubbing]

We never planned to have children, then changed our minds and had our son (now two and a half) just before I turned 40, with no thought of ever having another. Now we've discovered we've both been worrying separately about being older parents who live in a different country to our families, in case our son is left alone comparatively young in life, and have both wondered whether we should try to have another child for DS's sake?

To be honest, I dread the idea - I found having a baby enormously difficult and isolating, and I would be at least 43/44 when this baby was born, possibly older, with increased health risks to both the baby and me. Also, my career and psychological health took a horrible hit since having DS, though he's utterly lovely. My husband currently earns 90% of the household income in a high-pressure, 6 days a week job, so the burden would fall almost entirely on me.

The only real argument for having another is for DS's sake. He's a sociable, lively child who flourishes in company, and would be ideally temperamentally suited to being one of eight. I wouldn't worry if we lived near extended family, but none of ours live in the UK and all his cousins are almost a generation older than him.

Am I completely mad to even be considering this?

To give your child a sibling IS one good reason for having another child but it isn't the best reason and shouldn't be the only one. I joined a Facebook group of local mums and we go out on playdates so my DD gets to socialise a bit more. Is he at preschool yet? I found that helped my 2.5 DD a lot.

there are arguments for and against.
he will always have close school friends and you can find playdates/hobbies with other children to compensate for the lack of another sibling
equally, it's not quite the same as having a sibling.
you are not mad for considering it, but don't feel you have to.
do you dread the initial pregnancy/birth/first 18 months (which is completely rational as it's very tough!) or do you dread the idea of another as a whole? it's not worth sacrificing your mental health if it's the latter.
the plus side of one is that you will always be able to find someone to look after him if you have a doctor's appt etc, it is much harder to do this with two. (i have two DDs)
good luck in your decision

No it's not a good idea

If you're going to have another baby, it should be because the parents both want one.

It would (for many different reasons) change your family set up forever, so the decision should be based purely on what your both want for yourselves.

I can't think of a better reason and surprisingly you may relax more. I just had my third at 42 and yes it's hard work, but I love it. I have my mum here. If she were not, I would pay for help because without a support network, it is hard. To be honest though, just rereading your post, it seems you have already talked yourself not of it for valid reasons. I know plenty of very happy only children. So I wouldn't worry about that.

As you mentioned your psychological health, going through the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy again might not be the best thing.

How would you feel if you had another and your ds didn't like it as much as expected or they just didn't get on? I think having a child you don't really want just to fulfill a role for your ds is putting a lot of pressure on that child and not really fair on anyone.

A child should be had for their own sake, loved and wanted no matter what, not simply to fill a vacant slot.

You don't have to have family, you can have friends who will be there for your ds.

It's a crazy idea! You do not sound at all keen and your son will be just fine. Not the right reason at all to have another child.

Unless both parents want a child, it really isn't a good idea. Wanting a sibling for your dc is one reason to have another dc but it shouldn't be the only reason.

It is the only reason either of us is even thinking about it, Disco, tbh. He actually has a pretty sociable time. He adores going to his childminder four days a week - she looks after a range of different-aged children, and he goes to at least two play groups a week - but he often says he wants to stay at hers, rather than come home!

Part of the issue is that we've moved around the world a lot, and will definitely move on from the place we're currently living before too long, as were only here for DH's work, so he won't have that familiar social life where he knows the whole village and will go to school with kids he knows. We have friends in lots of different countries, but they come for weekends or we go to see them, and we mightn't see them again for a year. I just feel strongly that he should have more regular people in his life, if you see what I mean. I just don't know if I can face it again...

Similar situation in that we're parents in our early 40s and live nowhere near our families. DS is nearly 5 now and we have stuck at 1. As much as being pregnant wasn't too bad, I have never wanted to do it again and now I would worry too much about the increased risk of problems in your 40s.

Our family dynamic works well but DS is a child who I can honestly say would not share well with a sibling. He's very similar to my middle brother who would have quite happily been an only child. We make sure he has lots of friends round or we meet up with friends every weekend so it's rare for him to have more than a day without other children to play with.

I personally wouldn't have a sibling just for the sake of having one. I think you both need to want to have a second child. Siblings don't necessarily get on and if you struggled with the pregnancy and baby stage it would be doubly hard with a toddler as well.

Cross-posts with lots of kind posts. I think DH feels exactly as I do - that it would be for DS's sake, rather than because he himself desperately wants another child - but realises the burden would fall on me, so is reluctant to even propose it, because he knows how hard I found the first year of DS's life.

Though it was him who started talking about it last night. He'd heard some radio programme about loneliness in older men and got worrying about being older parents and our son being left alone.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I feel mildly lunatic about how upset I'm getting about it, when in theory I'm completely in favour of only children. (I'm one of four and we all live in different countries and send Christmas cards!)

If it is of any solace, you are describing my childhood in terms of moving around and not having a stable village home life. It was great - invigorating and inspiring and the bedrock of my existence through out were my parents not my siblings.

I did (and do!) have two siblings but the younger two have pretty much cordially disliked each other from birth. I was a dreamer and a loner even as a kid so my middle sister, who is gregarious, always found friends outside of the home. I was always lost in a book and the littlest hung with my mum.

This is all anecdote but I wanted to highlight that you can not predict how a second child will change your family dynamic no matter how much you think it might - either to the good or the bad.

I am also an older Mum and I felt very ambivalent about having DD2. However, it just felt as though the family was not complete and we made the lead of faith to have a second. I am thrilled to have her now but we wanted her for her own sake, not her sister's.

If your son stays an only, there will be pro's and con's through out his life. If he has a sibling, there will also be pro's and con's. Its a leap of faith - and if you can't bring yourself to make the leap, there is probably a very good reason why.

I suspect plenty of people have a second as a sibling for child 1, rather than any burning desire to procreate all over again.

Fwiw, I am finding it all much more enjoyable second time round. I have the company of my first child so it is much more entertaining and I'm relaxed about all the things I found stressful first time.

I couldn't imagine life without siblings, but no guarantees yours will feel the same.

There are people all over the place who interact with their siblings very rarely. And being from an international family it's quite possible that he and his sib would end up on different continents.

I think it can be tough on only children supporting elderly parents, but he is unlikely to end up alone. He is likely to have his own family one day, or a close circle of friends whom he'll know much better than most of us know our similarly aged cousins. And supporting elderly parents often falls mainly to just one sibling anyway - whoever lives nearest. You can take that pressure off him somewhat by consciously building yourselves your own support network when you are older. A cleaner, or some paid help a few hours a week. Be proactive, not resistant, about considering supported housing when you are elderly, for his sake rather than yours. Or could you consider, once he is school age, settling down a bit so he does get continuity? Much less drastic and more reliably helpful than having a baby none of you want, on the off chance they'll get along.

YANBU, well maybe a bit. Our situation was much like yours is...older mum, family in another country, not many relatives, dh working most of the time. I am a SAHM though, so work did not play into it for me. We had a mc before and after dc, then I went through early menopause, so dc is an only.

Where our situ differs is that I 'sort of' wanted another child. I'd say 40 percent of me wanted another to increase our family, 60 percent to give ds a sibling...which still is a good reason btw!

As late as age 9 dc thought they might get a sibling (which would of course be a baby and dc would already be 10!) and I had to gently tell dc that it was never going to happen. Although I felt awful about it, I did not let on in the slightest that I felt sorry for dc. I was very matter of fact, and at almost 13 dc has accepted (and for the most part I have too, it's still hard sometimes) that that is the way it is.

In our personal experience, even very good friends don't even come close to a sibling (both dh and I have siblings). Also, I DO worry about dc, all relatives are very far away and the ones closer to dc's age, dc is not close to them at all! However, I have friends that are only children and they say they never missed what they didn't have.

We're living it, and I have to say, it's EASY! I would have welcomed another if it were possible, but it's not so I'm making lemonaide out of lemons!!

Thanks, ShutUp, that's very good to hear.

If we were younger, I'd probably feel differently and would just mull over it for a while, but although I sailed through pregnancy with DS, I would worry far more about having a child with significant problems now, as regards the impact a sibling with disabilities would have on DS, especially if the reason we were having a child was to provide him with a companion, not potentially someone he might end up having responsibility for in adulthood. Which sounds unfair on both him and his imaginary sibling, when I put it like that...

Thanks for being so nice and sane, everyone. I expected at least some accusations of self-indulgence/selfish careerist older mother/'lonely only' etc etc.

I really don't think that you should bring a child in to the world just as company for your existing son. It's not a good reason to procreate.

haha, my comment about them potentially living on different continents cross posted with yours OP

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're being honest and probably a lot of people feel the same.

I'm younger than you and still the thought of another makes me quake in my boots! If it wasn't for the fact that we both don't want DS to be an only (and also hope that they'll play together and therefore amuse each other sometimes!?!) I'm not sure we'd do it.

I am 100% positive that if and when it happens I will adore and cherish that child and will feel the same fierce, unstinting love for it as I so for my some. Doesn't mean the thought is less than appealing at times!!

Once I had DS, I didn't have any burning desire for a second. Didn't have any burning desire for a first, but decided I might one day, so I'd get it done while I was young enough for there to be fewer problems.

We knew, rationally, that we wanted a sibling for DS. We also felt, probably irrationally, that our family wasn't finished. Since Dc2, we've tested the water about a third dc, but it feels like we're complete now.

I'm well aware that they could grow up to hate each other's guts, but at least they'll have someone with whom to bitch about their parents!

I absolutely agree with posters above saying you should only have another child because you want that second child - you can't predict or force how the two siblings will get on as they grow up, they may or may not come to have a good relationship.

And if you found pregnancy, babyhood etc. difficult the first time round, it's a distinct possibility that the second time will be as hard, if not more so.

But I speak as an adult only child and from this perspective (with the sole responsibility for my aged parent), I do feel that I wish that I had a sibling. It's not just the sharing of looking after parents that I feel a lack, it's the loss of shared memories and the past that I miss (especially as one of my parents died a while ago).

This might just be wistfulness, but I know that a huge part of me will die once my parents are both gone. There will be no one else left of my immediate family. And I wish that wasn't the case personally.

I acknowledge that it's a terribly selfish opinion and I don't hold it against my parents in any way. But I do often see larger families (more than one child!) with rose tinted specs.

I should add that we're both only children. I didn't feel any disadvantage growing up, having lots of friends and cousins my age. But now I'm older and as my parents age I do sometimes long for another anchor in my life.

I fear that my post may come across badly and possibly make you feel bad in some way OP, but obviously I don't mean to do that! It's only another random internet opinion...

BonaDea Yes that's what I mean, an "anchor".

I did that.

DS2 has severe autism no sibling relationship has ever formed. They are now 11 and 15.

Just my experience