... To consider a second child purely to give our son a sibling?

[Brassrubbing]

We never planned to have children, then changed our minds and had our son (now two and a half) just before I turned 40, with no thought of ever having another. Now we've discovered we've both been worrying separately about being older parents who live in a different country to our families, in case our son is left alone comparatively young in life, and have both wondered whether we should try to have another child for DS's sake?

To be honest, I dread the idea - I found having a baby enormously difficult and isolating, and I would be at least 43/44 when this baby was born, possibly older, with increased health risks to both the baby and me. Also, my career and psychological health took a horrible hit since having DS, though he's utterly lovely. My husband currently earns 90% of the household income in a high-pressure, 6 days a week job, so the burden would fall almost entirely on me.

The only real argument for having another is for DS's sake. He's a sociable, lively child who flourishes in company, and would be ideally temperamentally suited to being one of eight. I wouldn't worry if we lived near extended family, but none of ours live in the UK and all his cousins are almost a generation older than him.

Am I completely mad to even be considering this?

Do whatever makes you happy. I did have 2 specifically because I didn't want an only child and it worked out fine. It has its benefits as the DS sticks up for his DD now they are in juniors if need be. I don't have to arrange loads of play dates all the time. Their social skills are IMHO pretty good and as I told them both yesterday they are brilliantly behaved most of the time with just the right amount of 'bonkers' which they both laughed at. Both agreeing that DD is definitely the most bonkers.

An old neighbour put me off ever having a 3 rd as he repeatedly banged on about their 3 rd causing them nothing but misery from the day she was born !!! Because she complains about everything! So I decided as I had a DS and DD in the order I actually wanted and I actually loved them both very much I'd better just leave it at that.

My mum always wanted two daughters so they could play together etc. so she had us with a three year age difference. We didn't really get on, had totally different interests, personalities and as a child I remember how I used to daydream how my life would be better as an only child. I remember my mum and dad asked us when we were 10 and 7 if we wanted another sibling and we said no. When I was a teen

Didn't finish the post.when I was a teen I used to tell my parents I hated my sister. I don't hate her of course, but we have never been close. We now live in different continents and speak to each other maybe once a month.

DS came along when I was 39 and is an only. As someone else suggested might happen, he has a group of cousins near his age on DH's side who we try to see regularly.

DB and I, who are 18months apart, didn't particularly get on as children. We went to different schools & had friends who didn't mix. We haven't lived in the same area since I was 18. As for misty-eyed memories we can't even agree on whether we used to have verbal arguments or physical tussles. I expect him to be as much use as a chocolate teapot when our parents need carer input.

Do the best you can do in terms of planning for eventualities and try to equip your DS with self-confidence. Maybe as a family there might come a time when your DH's career has to stand still for a while to enable you to become part of a community. DS has a number of 'honorary grandparents' where we live as all their grandchildren live miles away.

Do what you want, not thinking about possible issues in the future.

FWIW, I think that having a second child so that they will be help for your ds when you die is not a good reason. If you go to the Elderly Parents section on MN, you'll find that of those of us dealing with issues, the number where siblings are helpful to each other is much lower than you'd hope. My mum has two siblings - neither helped when her parents were frail, and since their death, she's never seen her brother even when I wrote and told them that mums dementia was progressing fast. I have a brother who never does anything for our parents, and we are not in any more contact than being 'friends' on FB.

In my humble opinion, go for it.
I lost both my parents in my twenties. My siblings and I are so close and were and are such a support. Without them, I would have been lost. With them, I have a family beyond my DH and children.

I found the move from 1-2 so so so much easier than 0-1. And now, at 18 months and 4 years, tbh I am redundant st of the time we are at home!

I think I would have said yes if your DS was younger. If he is 2.5 now he may well be 3.5 or older when the sibling arrived. Others will disagree but IME those siblings who enjoy each other's company as children are usually same sex and close in age.
Siblings of opposite sex and with more than a couple of years between tend not to get on so well as children, though as adults, and this is important because it's part of your reasoning, they may be closer.

I don't think you're mad to think about it but if that really is the ONLY reason you'd have a second - then don't.

There is no guarantee they will be close, be supportive of each other in old age or even get on as children. Many (many many) siblings don't.

Have a second child if YOU want a second child. Not for DS.

Bear in mind that a sibling could also end up being a burden to your DS after you are gone, if he/she turns out to have health/emotional/financial problems. (Of course many are happy to help out their siblings but just saying the blessing can be mixed).

Having sibling isn't a guarantee of a close relationship in later life or a positive impact in childhood - I'd say that was true of my childhood and my parents.

My DH is an only DC. He grew up with extended family not far from him however they had little interest in him and he doesn't as an adult really have any relationship with them.

He has close friends from junior school he's in touch with - that he seems to reminisces with - and friends from university. He's a very friendly happy normal successful guy.

He not really one for enjoying reminiscing with his parents they were busy working and socialising and expecting him to fit round them sort of typical 70's childhood - so hugely happy childhood for him but not huge amount of time with parents - they often worked weekends - he was a latch key kid from early on and they all talk about being ships in the night.

He loves showing the DC the local walks and parks he was in as a child - or doing stuff he did a a DC with our DC - but his parents aren't really part of that even if around when he does it.

He hasn't lived close to them since aged 18 - but maybe once they are gone it will be different?

We've been together since he was 20 - near enough 20 years together, married and 3 DC - and still his parent still can act like it's he's not got other immediate family.

Having said that watch our 3 DC be so close and play well and be supportive of each other is very nice - and I hope they will continue to be close as adults.

DH career is a bit unstable field - lots of different jobs- so to reduce moves it has meant at time him having long commutes and working away. We are still having to move and desperately trying to get it done pre secondary school - until recently this was really a good thing but eldest is starting to play out with friends and have more freedom - but we do have to move and there are still more positives than negatives.

Squirrels ...completely disagree!
My siblings and I are all Close in age and not close.
My own dc are 5 yeas apart and very close.
There are no guarantees in life.

We are doing ivf for a second that i want, at 2.4 dd doesnt care much.
As you dont want one dont have them as you will be disadvantaging your existing one if you get depression. The first year is hard.
Im surprised so many still have 2 or more.

Secondary infertility is quite common, think something like 1/10 eggs are non abnormal at 40 though of course trying naturally that still equates to a pg in less than a year.
Wonder what % get on with subs when adults.
Though if you only have one who decides to live in another country then no one to look after you in old age at all

I think the problem is that siblings are often thought of by parents as this guaranteed win that can only make life better for their child. This really isn't always the case.

My mother is currently very ill. I have 3 siblings none of which much help. One of them is in fact one of the most stressful elements of the whole situation. He has absolutely made my life worse in big and horrible ways.

I think people who have children they don't really want just to provide a sibling for their dc are taking a huge risk to be honest.

I think having a child purely to give your DS a sibling is bonkers.

The child - an actual, real-life person worthy of love just like your DS - would exist purely to perform a function for your existing child.

What if the child was unable to serve their intended 'function'? He or she might be born with special needs, might not get on with your DS, or as an actual autonomous person might just decide to follow their own path in life. Would you regret or resent them? Feel that they were a waste of your time and resources?

I might be being unfair but it sits really uneasily with me.

Mackerel Super post. Agree with everything you say.

Still reading and appreciating all points of view.

If you found out you were pregnant right now how would you feel ?

Don't do it unless YOU want another child. Otherwise you may always resent the child you actually have. You might not, but being unwanted (or even wanted-for-someone-else's-sake) child is hard.

I used to work for a solicitors' firm, dealing with inheritance-related matters. Obviously I saw cases where siblings supported one another... but the ones that stick in mind were the ones where the death of the parents just blew the whole family apart, and they seemed to devote more time and energy to worrying about what the other one was getting than to actually grieving. As many others have said, don't take it for granted that they'll get on.

I've alreay basically said this but want to say it again: I and my OH are both only children and we are fine with it/positively prefer it. We are both very different personalities (he extrovert, me introvert), not selfish any more than is usual, don't pine after siblings. I've found that some people with lots of siblings or children are actually a bit offended when you say you've never really wanted a sibling. It's a slightly socially unacceptable thing to admit, but there you go. We don't have any cousins either, so there. I don't feel our life is lacking in any way and the low number of in-laws makes things easier!

I think the only 'reason' you give for having another child is not the right one for you and your DH and also for your family life. There are plenty of only children around who are happy and well adjusted.

The disadvantages you state far outweigh any advantage to your DS.

You are all happy and settled at the moment. Why alter this?