To think that self absorbed people get the most attention?

[Delilahh]

I am friends with a group of about 15 other women.

I have a family funeral tomorrow of a close relative. Another of the group is having a minor op tomorrow. Friend who is having a minor op is extremely self absorbed and needy, moaning about things all the time. She rarely offers anyone else any support.

Friends are all writing on this friend's facebook wall tonight, wishing her luck for tomorrow and telling her that she is wonderful and brilliant, and brave, and all kinds of other bum licking stuff.

Not one person has remembered that I have the funeral tomorrow and I've not had any messages, texts or FB wall posts about it. They all know that the funeral is tomorrow.

I feel like dumping the lot of them. Who needs friends like that?

I bet the one going for the op has been doing PR for this for a while, though? Announcing the need for an operation, countdown to operation, and so on - all vocalised until the coterie have joined in the performance. You, on the other hand, have probably been sad and withdrawn and didn't do a grand production like she has.

I wouldn't dump them, but I agree that they sound unthinking and somewhat shallow. Hopefully you'll have some genuine support tomorrow.

And to answer your question - YANBU, they do get all the attention, but it's fairly fleeting.

You may be seeing appeasement, which is attention but is not the same as respect.

Very well put, BestZebbie.

Oh yes she's definitely been doing the PR about it for a while.

In a way I think it's appeasement but they're all also telling her she's so amazing and fabulous and brave, so I'm thinking they must think some of those things?

They are behaving just like most of the girls in DD's year at school. She is in year 10 BTW.

I doubt they think those things OP, they are just feeding the beast so that there is less chance of the group being turned against them.

Behaving like good little bees towards their queen.

My guess is that one person starts with the "Oh you're so wonderful" comments and everyone else feels compelled to join in with the same sentiments so that no-one thinks badly of them.

It's really not the same thing as everyone actually thinking those things.

Ask and you shall receive. She made it clear she wanted comments and attention, so she got it. You have most likely said nothing, so assuming your friends are in fact humans and therefore not mind readers they probably thought you didn't want to talk about it, and respected your wishes.

I can guarantee you if you posted "Going to funeral. omg so sad." you'd get tons of supportive comments.

Ooh BestZebbie "appeasement" - I like that term.

I also think people struggle with what to say about funerals. I know I stay quiet to give people time.

Hope tomorrow goes ok.

I hope the funeral goes well tomorrow OP. Sorry for your loss. X

I don't seek attention. I care not if people post vacuously on my FB msuings and news. In fact, I quite dislike all the "oh, hun, thinking of you xxxx" crap.

I do however, appreciate and enjoy kind and heartfelt words, expressed in any manner of ways (FB outpouring, private note, secret bunch of flowers!) and public acknowledgement of my achievements or effort (I ran a marathon in memory of my dad this year and I truly appreciated all the 'good on you' type stuff).

I'm not sure what you are looking for. Is it the same level of comment as your friend - thus you are comparing your popularity rather than actually being concerned about you having to attend a funeral and how sad that is. Or, are you upset that they haven't communicated their symapthy to you. If the latter, what does your friend's FB have to do with this? People find death a tricky area. Trust me, I know this.

What bulbasaur said. Seek, and ye shall find.

To cheer you up:

Just post "feeling :(" and let the intrigued posts flood in.

Better still, try "in tears"

If it makes you feel any better OP, I have one of the whiners in my family, who everyone tries to appease. And that is exactly what it is, appeasing her. For some reason people just want this person's approval, and bend over backwards to get it, I even find myself doing this (unconsciously though). I truly don't think it's because they like the person better, and don't think about you at all. They appease this person, then feel, "now we have X amount of days before we have to do that again".

Op I feel your pain

Good luck tomorrow sorry for your loss

Ahardyfool welldone on the marathon xx

magicpixie - ha ha! But thanks anyhow x mwah! lol :)

No seriously I really respect you for doing it and for raising the money in your dads memory

A friend asked if she could do one to raise money in my ds1 memory
But I sort of said not atm as I cant face it
Which makes me feel super bad as she wanted to raise the money for sands

have since raised a small amount quietly

but feel awkward about doing something more public iyswim at all

Sorry for your loss x

YANBU - one of life's quirks, and a self perpetuating cycle too.

Of course they do. They ask for it. Generally, we are not wired to ignore people's pleas for support/attention when it is requested, especially if it is at no loss to ourselves (as with social media). Sadly, we are not (many of us) wired to be constantly on the look out to see or remember important things in the lives of others without being reminded. We tend to g about our own busy lives with blinkers on, quietly absorbed in ourselves, until somebody distracts us and asks something from us. Those people are often the more self absorbed rather than the truly needy. Sometimes they are both those things.

Thank you. I thought you were being mighty clever with the humour there!

It's a very personal thing grief, isn't it? I just knew I wanted to do it from the day my dad was diagnosed. But I kept it secret for quite a while - I told my dad just before he lost real consciousness but otherwise I might've been even more private about it.

Even on the day it was a very 'internal' thing despite the bazillions of people - strange.

I'm sorry your DS1 died. I understand you not being able to face your friend's wish to 'do something'. Again, it's how people struggle to cope isn't it? Some have a need to do, to fix, to help, others to just grieve personally and deeply and let time pass. Most of us are all these things at different points I reckon.

OP, I hope this little tangential discussion helps you a little x

Yeah just because she has not done a race or marathon in his name yet
Doesnt mean she never can or will

I just dont feel upto being part of the fundraising etc especially for a charity like sands which lets face it is not a very glamorous charity

I do feel guilty at depriving them of money though
As I bet if you really went for it you could raise alot

Yeah we are those things and more at certain points.

Life sure is tough

Don't know why so many people want to live to be so old tbh
Im sure I shall be exhusted and had enough before I get too old

Ahardyfool, it upsets me that none of my so-called friends has even taken the time to send me a text or message to wish me well for today and to say they hope it goes well, whilst there is a total outpouring of sympathy and well wishes on my friend's FB wall for her having a minor op!

So yes it does look as though they prefer her to me and that none of them could give a fig about me. I offer support to others and feel like I'm a good friend, whilst the friend having the minor op is very self centred and the only topic of conversation is only ever her. But for some reason everyone has decided she is a total trooper and is worthy of their sympathy today. Oh well at least I know where I stand with the lot of them!

Now they are all doing FB statuses and tagging her in them wishing her luck...