To think that self absorbed people get the most attention?

[Delilahh]

I am friends with a group of about 15 other women.

I have a family funeral tomorrow of a close relative. Another of the group is having a minor op tomorrow. Friend who is having a minor op is extremely self absorbed and needy, moaning about things all the time. She rarely offers anyone else any support.

Friends are all writing on this friend's facebook wall tonight, wishing her luck for tomorrow and telling her that she is wonderful and brilliant, and brave, and all kinds of other bum licking stuff.

Not one person has remembered that I have the funeral tomorrow and I've not had any messages, texts or FB wall posts about it. They all know that the funeral is tomorrow.

I feel like dumping the lot of them. Who needs friends like that?

They sound like people with very little to do so they big up something small to make themselves feel good about wishing her luck and reinforcing their own idea of themselves as caring.

Sympathising with someone about a funeral is difficult and most people avoid it due to fears of inadequacy or not wanting to think about death.

It is no reflection on you. Life crises always let you find out that of all the friends you thought you had, you actually only have a very few who will truly support you.

I remmeber someone saying they gave up facebook when they got to 500 friends - he suddenly thought, "if I have 500 friends, actually, in reality, I don't have any".

I agree that people can be funny about death and funerals, however I do think that if the attention seeking friend was attending a funeral she would get sympathy and support.

I can see why you are hurt, but I think you're being a tiny bit unreasonable.

Of course self-absorbed people who post lots of personal messages eliciting feedback get more attention! That's just how things work! Particularly on social media where people react to what's immediately in front of them. If you haven't posted about the funeral, it is quite likely that your friends have simply forgotten. Yes, that's a bit crap of them, but it doesn't make them terrible people - just a bit thoughtless. I certainly don't think it helps to see it as a victim competition with your friend - such thoughts are a very negative way of framing this, and only likely to make you feel worse at what must be a very tough time for you and your family.

I would either put something up on FB about it, or (perhaps better) text a couple of the friends reaching out for a bit of support. The main thing is to get the people around you that you need at this difficult time.

I never know what to say for funerals - it's not like you can say things like "hope it goes well", and presumably they've all already offered sympathies for your loss.

TBH I probably wouldn't remember when someone's relative's funeral was going to be, even if I'd been told. I would offer support if they mentioned it, but otherwise, no, I wouldn't bring it up online unless the person who was going to the funeral mentioned it first.

So in this case I think YABU.

Facebook is not really good for that. Sounds like you may have been more discreet than you realised about the funeral and your feelings. What you really need is someone to give you a quick call for a chat, or maybe a kind text.

Sorry for your loss, and hope it goes okay today OP.

That's exactly it, IsItMeOr. A text or a call from one of them would have been nice. They are able to publicy declare the other friend a super hero via Facebook, yet can't spend 10 seconds typing out a text or message to me

I know. It hurts. But Facebook is a weird sort of place - it's very public, and we collectively behave differently there. Try to focus on something else just now.

Is there a friend who you could text to let them know you're feeling sad?

facebook is for self absorbed wankers to get as much attention as possible

it sounds perfect for your friend, but not so good for you

I'm sorry for your loss op, I would avoid fb for a while and these "friends"

If you want to share your feelings I would do so with a good friend and not on FB anyway. Why not text or call your closest friend and talk it through with them?

I would remember if a friend is having a hard time or has been bereaved but I may well not remember the exact date of the funeral, or note it down. Sometimes I even miss their birthdays! This is not because I'm a crap friend though, I'm just extremely busy and often don't remember important things in my own life too- like my dd going to school without her swimming kit!

I do call a lot though, and I don't think FB is any substitute for a phone call or even longer text-message which is private and not a public display for everyone to see.

If you want a bit of support, I would reach out and ask for it. If you want public displays- you have to be prepared to put these things out there in your public space as this person is prepared to do. I wouldn't and I can completely understand why you wouldn't either.

Someone who constantly asks their partner if they love them probably gets told they are loved more often, it doesn't equate to being more loved. There are sort of rules, especially on FB, and when someone posts they are worried about something people know how to respond. That is hugely different from taking the first step in offering comfort, especially around grief where people worry about bringing it up in case they upset you.

I wouldn't read too much into it, especially about how much they like you or care about you. Do you have close family around just now or a partner whose shoulder you can cry on. I think you need real, in depth, support when someone dies, not lots of brief casual FB mentions and texts. If you are alone, call your closest friend and ask them to come round, maybe even to the funeral with you? It is quality, not quantity that will help. I would also step away from FB just now, it is just too flippant and insignificant. You don't want to waste your energy on people behaving flippantly on it.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find some comfort.

Sincere condolences for your loss.

Death in the family is a nightmare to offer any support for, most people don't know what to say or what to do and end up saying and doing nothing as they are scared of putting their foot in it.

'Good luck with the funeral' and 'Hope the funeral goes well' are two things I'd never say in a million years, maybe a 'Thinking of you' would draw everyone's attention and that may be perceived as unwelcome by the bereaved person, so mostly I say nothing.

So yes it does look as though they prefer her to me and that none of them could give a fig about me.

It's not a competition to see whose life events garner the most responses is it? I don't have FB but see this type of reaction from people who do, they seem to think they only "count" in their chosen circle if they have a certain level of desired reaction from other people that everyone else can see it's like expecting a public demonstration of popularity or verification.

I hope you find a favourable resolution to this.

They may get all the attention but would you really want to be like them? My inlaws are a lot more like your friend, they complain and whine about the most minor of things on fb (including not being able to get the bath temperature just right, complete with "fuck my life" angst added to the end!). I know this is mean/judgemental of me but it just seems so pathetic.

I hope you're ok today.