to wonder how important male role models are to a child's wellbeing

[MrsJamesPurefoy]

my wife and I want to start trying for a family. Since we are a same sex partnership we obviously don't have a man in the immediate family and coincidentally neither of our fathers are alive.

We don't have any close male friends who we see regularly and we don't have any male relatives such as brothers or uncles either. I suppose I am wondering if this is likely to be detrimental to our child's wellbeing and happiness.

What about the biological father of your future child? Or will it be anonymous donor?

I don't think it matters as long as they have good role models who love them within the family irrespective of gender.
The male role models in my DS's family have not been that great tbh ( their dad and GF on their dads side) my Dad died many years ago, he would have been a great role model but it was not to be.

My point being you can think you are providing good male role models but they can let you down so you just do your best with what you have and be the best parent you can be. Its more important that there are two of you to love your child than one of them being a dad / father figure.

I grew up with no male role models.
It has affected me.
They are essential .

Personally, I don't think it is all that important. It is exposure to different people that matters, unless you think that men and women should behave in certain gender-defined ways. My mum is mildly obsessed with the idea though, to the point that it has become offensive to my partner and me.
Shameless link to a blog post on the subject...

blog post

I worry about this a lot. I have 2 boys, ages 5 and 9, no paternal contact.

Although I have male friends, I have found that as we've got older it's not easy to spend time with them. When I was in my 20s and early 30s we all hung out together, went out for drinks with male friends, went to eachother's houses for coffee etc, but once men get married and have kids (and busy lives), hanging out with single female friends in that way just isn't appropriate any more. And as a single mother I find myself being wary of being seen as trying to "steal" people's husbands!

My boys are very close to my Dad, who they see most days and completely adore. But he's getting old, and his football-playing days are numbered I think. I can do lots of boy stuff - I'm not girly at all - we play football, I've taken them to motor racing, battle re-enactments and so on - I'm happy to fulfil all those stereotypically male ideas. But there seems to be something about a man that they need. I think they just know that men view life differently, and that, much as they love me, I won't see things from the same perspective as them. At least, my 9 year old certainly feels this way, as I know he's confided some things in my Dad. He plays football at school too, and enjoys his friendship with the coaches.

But, I do my best, it's all I can do.

My advice would be - don't let this anxiety stop you having a child, but if you have a boy, I think you really need to work on finding male role models. I think that as a lesbian you may actually find it easier to spend time with school dads, because no one will think you have dubious motives!

I think for good or bad, Jollyphonics is right. You might find you are invited to play dates with the stay at home dads.

You might also find (depending on where you are) that people quite like the idea of being able to say they have some mum friends who are lesbians. I think it may have some social currency - to your advantage.

I don't think children need male role models. I think children need good people in their lives. It's the person that makes a good role model. Not their sex.

I'm a child of a single parent- the daughter of a sp?rm donor. I have a twin brother, but no uncle, grandad or male relative, my mum had no make friends. I went round friends houses and saw responsible dads etc. I've always had reasonable relationships with men and I am close friends with several men- I do have a mental illness (and was actually under CAMHS, as mentioned up thread ) but in doubt that's caused by lack of a male role model- it is increasingly common nowadays and a child from a heterosexual, two parent family could just as easily have a mental health problem.

I can only answer from my best friends perspective she had 2 Mums in the 80's so not anywhere approaching normal in those days. My dear bf is the most level headed and "sorted" of us all now we are 40ish. She was loved and raised in a stable family.

OP, I think that children benefit from being with lots of different types of adults in their lives. As do adults.

I think it would be good for your DC to be with good (not perfect) men. Can I ask what happened that you don't have any significant relationships with any men?

Dione - nothing, other than both being from families with one sister/no siblings respectively and having had our fathers pass away prematurely.

We also work in female dominated roles (she is a midwife, I am a deputy head of a primary school.)

Nothing traumatic has 'happened' with men: we were just born gay

Yes, we will be having the child and subsequent children using anonymous sperm donation to a clinic.

I think they will seek out their own. I was a single mother and my son wanted male role models- they were very important to him.
They are all different. The interesting thing about a baby is you have no idea what personality and opinions you are getting!

A stable loving home with one/two engaged parent/s is what matters.
If parenthood is what you both want then go ahead. Lots of luck

I think children of gay parents have an automatic advantage that overules pretty much everything else. They were actively wanted, and didn't come about by (albeit sometimes happy) accident.

Your DC will be fine. Good luck!

I don't think it matters, honestly - as long as they do have some men in their lives. The quality of remodels should never be undervalued and I think this is where scout leaders, teachers etc can be brilliant because they have actively chosen those roles because they want to encourage children to be their best. No such guarantees with men your child just happens to be related too.

Fwiw should any of my lesbian friends ever have a child I know DH would be happy to put in a bit of effort to be around on playdates etc if that is what our friends wanted.

My DP has two mums. Him and his two sisters have turned out absolutely fine!

A stable loving home is the most important part for a childs wellbeing. As for the male role models if needed they appear. I heard of a big brother scheme once. Wonder if something like that or scouts or similar but thats years in advance.

I am a single adoptive mother with a now 8 year old boy. So in some ways similar in that he really doesn't have a Dad although he does have a biological father we know nothing about him.

In my practical experience the "positive male role model" thing is a pile of hokum. Not because children (not boys but all children, girls need good examples of decent men too!) don;t need them but because the generally accepted male role model seems to be that you need to find someone who stands in place of a father to your child. Unless you have a living reliable grandparent then this father-like role just doesn;t work.

IME when the shit hits the fan (either in their life or yours or your child) they tend to attend to their own issues and drop your child like a stone which is not the best "role model" behaviour!

You will find that there are plenty of decent men around who your DC will observe and internalise their behaviour - dad's of friends, sports coaches, teacher and TA's etc. We are lucky that our school has a few young male TA's which has been a good experience for DS. Not because they are any better than the female TA's but because he doesn't see school and teaching as a female thing.

The most important thing I have found is to use your own behaviour to help your child form positive opinions about men (when positive opinions are appropriate of course!) so no lazy stereotypical comments about how "men are so rubbish at ..." or "bloody men think they own the planet" etc. I now tend to avoid sweeping statements about "men" as much as I do about women now and I can't honestly say that's always been the case.

Good luck.