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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do about racism at DD and DS2's school?

29 replies

violetsareblue11 · 14/10/2014 19:53

Don't know why I've posted this on the AIBU section, but I didn't know where else it would fit! So, DH is mixed race- his mother is Filipino and his father is white. DS1,DS2 and DD all have his hair, eyes and a slight tan to their skin- although don't appear Filipino in the slightest, they look more Mediterranean! Anyway, DS2 and DD are at prep school and on Thursday last week DD came home from school saying that a group of girls in her class were asking her why she didn't have "small eyes" and why she didn't look Asian even though her father is half Asian... and so then after making some more comments about "smart Asians", apparently it led to them asking her if she was adopted because she doesn't look like DH or I (I myself am white) . DD is a sensitive (sometimes too sensitive!) girl and so what they said really upset her, and all through Thursday night she was asking DH and I if she was adopted, and was talking about it. I feel as though I should say something to the school, because of how upset DD was, but I was wondering, is what those girls said racist or just insensitive? Its just in this day and age its difficult to navigate what's racist and what isn't, and whether the girls knew they were being racist or not (they're all between 10 and 11 so they may well have done). Also, the kids have never really encountered any comments about the colour of their skin before... so I'm just wondering what I would be able to do, without looking like one of those overprotective mothers? Should I say something?

OP posts:
DixieTreats · 14/10/2014 20:24

I'm not one for complaining but I would actually. It doesn't seem to be derogatory so I'm not sure if it's actually racist as such, but it's inappropriate commenting about their appearance based on their ethnicity. And if it's upset your dd then it's worth a mention to the school. I know for a fact that this behaviour wouldn't be tolerated at my DDs prep school.

DilligafMyUKIP · 14/10/2014 20:39

Insensitive, or just being child like and asking obvious questions?

Racism - to discriminate. Asking questions isn't racist.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 14/10/2014 20:39

Those sound like curious kid comments and questions rather than racism to me. How old are the girls?

Mascaramascara1 · 14/10/2014 20:41

Sounds like questions to me.

puntasticusername · 14/10/2014 20:44

Agree, it sounds quite possible that this is just innocent childlike questioning, but equally it's a great opportunity for the school to pick up the issue and do a bit of - well, education on it. Obviously not in any way that would make your DC any more uncomfortable than they already are about it!

Roseformeplease · 14/10/2014 20:44

I think it also depends on tone, and intent.

FoxgloveFairy · 14/10/2014 20:45

At that age, I would say it's simple curiosity, possibly with a bit of small child tactlessness thrown in! These same questions gave us the science of genetics. Not racist, unless a whole load of insulting stereotypes go with it, I would say.

TeenAndTween · 14/10/2014 20:46

Sounds like questions to me, not racism.

I would go through their questions with your DD so she knows how to respond. And also how to respond if they probe too much.

My DDs are in fact adopted, and they both get questions, but nothing meant to hurt, just rather blunt questions 'why did your mum abandon you' stuff like that. I give them the tools to answer, and also offer to answer direct to the children if my DD's prefer.

Iggi999 · 14/10/2014 20:48

10/11 is pretty old to be asking them though, unless in a genuinely curious way of a close friend. Is the school very "mono cultural" in general? (Is it relevant that it's a prep school?)
The adopted stuff makes it sound like bullying to me. And no, racism doesn't have to involve discriminatory acts, unless you are including verbal abuse/marginalisation/stereotyping under that heading.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/10/2014 20:59

Those are racist questions but from a child the intent is different. Although you'd hope their parents world have brought them up to understand differences between people.
I think they all need a discussion on cultural and racial sensitivity. And why it's not appropriate to ask someone if they adopted.

SavoyCabbage · 14/10/2014 21:00

My dc are mixed race too and when you are white, dealing with situations like this one is all so new. We have not had to think about it for the whole of our lives.

I got a lot of books about mixed race families when mine were little. There is a good one called Violet. The dad is blue and the mum red and the girl violet.

I went out of my way to show her other families that were like ours.

I made sure that they understand the facts. Why people are different colours in general and why they are. This is probably what could have helped your dd in the situation she was in.if they feel comfortable and confident about the science side of it, they can talk about it. It's worse if a child asks a question and their parent shhhhhhs them.

There is a good chapte in the book Nutureshock about talking about race.

My dc experience quite a bit of so called casual racism as we live in Australia. As my dds have got older I have had to tach them to deal with it..

LokiBear · 14/10/2014 21:22

If you talk to the school they might be able to do a citizenship lesson based on race and diversity. Your daughter is upset because she is bring made to feel different. The child asking questions might not mean to offend but needs to understand it is upsetting to be asked if you are adopted.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2014 21:29

Sounds like curiosity to me and not racism at all.

If she asked all through the night if she's adopted, it sounds like she doesn't believe you 100%, so can you show her her birth certificate?

SavoyCabbage · 14/10/2014 21:35

kissthebook.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/violet-by-tania-duprey-optional.html

here is a link to the violet book.

girlwhowearsglasses · 14/10/2014 21:38

What puntastic said

violetsareblue11 · 14/10/2014 22:48

Thanks for all the replies! Iggi no, its not mono-cultural but not multi-cultural either IYKWIM, DD is one of three mixed race children in her year, but one is Afro-Caribbean and one is Pakistani, so she's the only one of East Asian descent. There's a lot of Chinese/Thai/South Korean kids boarding in other years so I don't think its so much the culture of the school. The girls who asked DD the questions were white, and princess, I they were between 10-11, and age where I think its hard to know whether they were curious or trying to offend. I will talk to the school but as many of you suggested, but as opposed to a complaint I'll try and get them to do some sort of assembly or PSCHE lesson on racism to spread some awareness on it! All in all, I think DD just got a bit wound up about it, although I was a bit Hmm about what the girls said about DD being smart because she was quarter Asian, but I should probs let sleeping dogs lie for while! Worra I'll have to dig it up the depths of my study but its a good idea certainly! And Savoy thanks v much for the book recommendation, will look at the link!

OP posts:
violetsareblue11 · 14/10/2014 22:52

Jus saw a fair few typo's in my latest post! Note to self: shouldn't be MNing at this hour!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 07:03

I am half Armenian and half white British and I personally don't think that us racist at all. Insensitive questions from a bunch of pre teens, but not racist. When I was a child, I thought that I was adopted as felt that I looked like neither of my parents, now I'm older I definitely look like my mum. Yes I had those type of questions at school, I just used to say I don't know. Or I look more like my mum who is dark.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 07:06

Yes being smart because dd is a quater Asian is not racist, it's kind of a belief that a lot of people have.

Iggi999 · 15/10/2014 09:57

But Aero, being a kind of belief that a lot of people have doesn't mean it's not racist. It's still pre-judging on the basis of race.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 12:04

It is a stereotype, like Mediterranean people are great cooks. Well I'm not, and nore is my mum, it's not racist though.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 15/10/2014 12:16

I'm not sure it's racist so much as inappropriate and a bit nasty.

As iggy says by 10/11 a close friend asking nosy questions, politely in private, is fine. A group of girls asking probing personal questions and putting your DD on the spot is not!

If she upset, it's because it wasn't friendly curiosity, Y6 do know the difference, and a word to the teacher is called for.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2014 12:34

violetsareblue if this is a one-off incident of innocent questions I personally would not be too bothered.

If you are bothered, or more to the point your dd is, then I’d say it is a question of is it appropriate. Innocent of questions are usually not a problem, but if the questions are not so innocent or if they are repeated after an answer has been given that is more serious (to me).

It is just horrible when a child is upset.

I would use this as a time to cover all their points in answers with your dd so she knows what to say if this comes up again.

EG ...Why she didn't have "small eyes"? Does this mean they think she has big eyes? Do you think she has, if she has, that's fine as we all have different shaped and sized eyes.

Why she didn't look Asian even though her father is half Asian Simple maths says if you are a quarter Asian you will not look very Asian, but you may have dark hair etc like your dad.

Comments or even compliments about ... "smart Asians" are fine as long as it does not lead to negative comments, once people start generalising about some people being good at things because of race or ethnicity they could go on to say negative things by the same token, surely kids are good at stuff, or not, due to a whole host of reasons!

Personally, as a mum to an adopted son who does not look like me I would find ...asking her if she was adopted because she doesn't look like DH or I intrusive. If a child is adopted they may not wish to discuss it with kids in their class. Clearly your dd is not adopted so she could very quickly silence this speculation with 'I am not adopted' and the fact she is asking about it may mean these questions have made her feel a little insecure. I would reassure her of the reality of her situation.

Once your dd has her answers straight for if this happens again and she is reassured I would ask her if she would want to complain at all about this. My guess is she may well say no, so personally I would not take it any further at this stage. However, I personally would prepare dd that if the same children, or others, ask these questions again she is very clear with her answers and say that she does not want to discuss this. If it were me I would say to my kids, you are who you are, your parents are who they are and you don't feel the need to talk about it all a lot, you could say, let's go and do something more interesting.

If the questions do continue I would complain by letter (getting my thoughts clearly down in a letter helps me and also, often, conversations with teachers are in open classrooms overheard by whoever is passing!).

Generally, for me, I only complain to school if DD is happy for me to do so.

I had a recent problem with dd at school, not related to race or adoption (she is not adopted), and I wrote to school. The question might come up in my dd’s case 'is this really bullying or just some unpleasant behaviour?'. In your case it may come up is this really racism or just some unpleasant behaviour?' Personally, I would rather not debate if it is bullying or racism or just unpleasant behaviour, kids are not at school to be upset. They are at school to learn and if it upsetting your child I would try and put a stop to it but only if it continues and continues to be upsetting.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2014 12:34

Oh that was very long, sorry! Grin

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2014 12:36

Crossed with ElephantsNeverForgive and agree it is the appropriateness of these questions that is the issue and yes, if a lot of people asking it puts on the spot.