What to do about racism at DD and DS2's school?

[violetsareblue11]

Don't know why I've posted this on the AIBU section, but I didn't know where else it would fit! So, DH is mixed race- his mother is Filipino and his father is white. DS1,DS2 and DD all have his hair, eyes and a slight tan to their skin- although don't appear Filipino in the slightest, they look more Mediterranean! Anyway, DS2 and DD are at prep school and on Thursday last week DD came home from school saying that a group of girls in her class were asking her why she didn't have "small eyes" and why she didn't look Asian even though her father is half Asian... and so then after making some more comments about "smart Asians", apparently it led to them asking her if she was adopted because she doesn't look like DH or I (I myself am white) . DD is a sensitive (sometimes too sensitive!) girl and so what they said really upset her, and all through Thursday night she was asking DH and I if she was adopted, and was talking about it. I feel as though I should say something to the school, because of how upset DD was, but I was wondering, is what those girls said racist or just insensitive? Its just in this day and age its difficult to navigate what's racist and what isn't, and whether the girls knew they were being racist or not (they're all between 10 and 11 so they may well have done). Also, the kids have never really encountered any comments about the colour of their skin before... so I'm just wondering what I would be able to do, without looking like one of those overprotective mothers? Should I say something?

DD was in lower half of a joint Y6/5 class and some if the older girls got very good at subtle nastiness.

The teacher, however, was used to this age groups games and sorted it out very neatly with the sort of PHSE style whole class talk on being nice, kind and respectful. So no names needed be mentioned.

Please say something, a good Y6 teacher won't mind at all.

They sound like the sort of questions that curious kids ask. I grew up in a very white area and remember asking a black girl in my class if black people got moles and freckles - completely innocent and not really that much different from the people who express surprise that I'm a very dark haired mother of blond haired boys. Genetics is a funny thing and can baffle people, at times.

Your best course of action would be to give a heads up to the school that other children's curiosity is making your DC very uncomfortable and that some guidance and support is needed.

Just sounds like regular questions to me too. Perhaps the school could have a session or two on tact and how best to ask questions (and the types of questions people maybe should think about before asking)? Doesn't sound like any nastiness is intended at present.

It might sound like regular questions to us from behind a keyboard, but it isn't necessarily that way in reality. Certainly needs a little more probing.

DS is both mixed race and adopted and I would be firmly expecting a teacher to be quashing random questions about adoption and race. They are just about acceptable from close friends who get a little more latitude about such questions due to their relationship with you.

I have heard children in a playground chasing DS around shouting "hey Japanese boy" and believe me though it could have been merely descriptive it really wasn't intended that way and they were trying to be mean. Everyone else was asked their name and names were used, he was the only one singled out ONLY by his looks.

If there was a group discussing why people don't look like their parents - fair enough if there was a gang of girls discussing your DD then going to her enmasse and asking her to justify why she looks the way she does = not OK. At best its rude and they need to consider how they raise questions and also whether personal questions are ever OK asked by a group in the playground (assuming it was then).

Asking someone whether they are adopted is never OK. If you aren't close enough to be privy to that information already then you have no reason to know.

And IMVHO you don't get to decide as the person asking the question (or a bystander) whether your question is offensive/racist it is the impact on the receiver of the comment that is important. That doesn't make this comment racist as such, there is no way of knowing without knowing the intentions and tone of the girls in question. Under that definition I can pretty much use any sexist, racist, disablist language I like off the back of the fact that I think is OK. If the effect of what you say results in the person feeling singled out because of their race, sex etc then your comments were racist whether you intended them to be or not.

Pretty much I have followed the rule of thumb about making sure I am "polite" and in the vast majority of cases that seems to get to the right result.

Those questions don't sound at all polite to me and I would talk to her teacher and clarify with your DD whether she felt that the girls were trying to be rude or single her out or just a bit cack-handed wth their (irrelevant) questions.