To relocate when my children are happy here.

[happyclapper]

After a couple of very difficult years financially and emotionaly my DP and I are in a good place but feel like we would like a fresh start. We also would like a bigger house / garden which would be nice for all the familybut we cannot afford that where we vcurrently live.
We have found a lovely house 15 miles away which means DS 1 can remain at his newly joined secondary school but DS2 would need to move.
Ds1 has just found a bit of independance and enjoys meeting friends after school which he would find difficult if we moved as he won't go yo the local school. Are we being selfish? They have already said they don't want to move despite lovely house.

Move-things will sort out. I thought from your title you would be talking about going abroad or at least to a different part of the country! 15 miles is nothing and kids keep in touch via social media etc now. If you don't move you will forever regret it! It's your life as well as the kids!

I'm going to disagree. You've admitted that your DS is just getting his independence now and you're about to take it away from him. Don't underestimate the importance of this. Being in a local school is a big boon for DC.

I don't think you would be selfish to move but you may have to be prepared to do a lot of driving your ds around as a result.

Is it 15 miles rural or 15 mikes with good bus/train service?

Most secondary schools have a 15 mile radius really so it's not a huge deal.

You will spend the next years as an unpaid taxi driver anyhoo so you may as well do it from a nicer base.

If you were moving far for a good reason like work, quality of life, to be near older parents... then I would say move. However, if it is just for the house I wouldn't. It isn't really a fresh start, your DCs won't really be starting from scratch and making local friends but living a less good version of what they have now. Would DS2 go to a different secondary than DS1? You will spend an awful lot of time taxi-ing them around if you want their school life and family life so far apart. It isn't like kids travelling for miles to a private school either as he would be the only one.

I'd be careful not to romanticise the fresh start element if all you are doing is moving 15 miles and staying in same jobs, schools etc. Unless the stress has all been related to having noisy neighbours then you would really be taking the same problems with you down the road and adding a few new ones.

What fresh start will you be gaining bar new house if the school and your employers etc will remain the same?

I agree with ILoveJudgeJudy and think local friends at high school age are very important as are the chidlrens feelings. I suppose it depends on your outlook, some subscribe to adults have the right to decide whilst others let the children have involvement and a say in big decisions.

Thank you for your replies. I tend to see all your points of view but was hoping for more of Waroftheroses.
A lot if our issues stemmed from a very unpleasant experience with a mom at our youngest sons school which was made worse by living next door to the school so there is no escape from her even though she has now moved on to some other poor victim.
We work from home so nothing will change in that regard and we are happy yo do as much taxing as is required.
Also plenty of sleepovers if they want. Its more that our small town is now full of unhappy memories and all our local friends were heavily involved in the drama so we never feel like we have any privacy.

Move. Your DS could be driven to mates at weekends. I think your happiness as a whole matters...not just DS independence! He won't be living with you forever.

I have the same dilemma happyclapper.

DD particularly is very resistent to moving but I loathe it here for similar reasons to yours. I'm half hoping she suddenly falls out with all her friends so we can jump in and say, let's move to x and have a new start.

Financially, for dc's education, stability it makes sense to stay here. The upset has faded to some extent with time but is still there. I try to tell myself that this could have happened anywhere so if we move we may well encounter the same again. And it's more about me in myself coming to terms with it better.

I think it does get easier as dc get older in that they walk to school themselves and you have less involvement with other parents. But I imagine we'll be out of here like a shot once they've finished secondary school.

You have my sympathies.

Mum9876. Am so sorry you have had similar problems. It is very difficult toget over lproblems like this. It has been a year for us now any although we have had a lot if support we will never feel the same about our home or be able to enjoy activities at the school like we should.
Then again why should our DS, who were not involved in the issue, be made to suffer. Thought suffer is probably a bit strong.
We would probably not be thinking if moving if the stuff hadn't happened. Sorry to be vague but its a long and complicated story.

would Ds etc get own room bigger room with move or anything else what could be in it for them for younger child there might be a lot in it from OP you have to balance the wants happiness etc of all 4 members of your family and that includes you and DP

I don't know if we've done the right thing really op. It's sad to look back on all their school days and think we hated living in that place.

As I said, I'm hoping a sort of natural break will come where they want to move away. I think part of it is me projecting as we moved around a lot when I was a dc.

I don't think it's that bad for your older dc, if it's just a bit more ferrying about. He could still meet his friends after school, you just pick him up later if he needs a lift. Do you think your younger one would settle ok in a new school? If so, why not move?

It is a much nicer house Teacupdrama, and slightly bigger rooms for DS's but having seen it they weren't that impressed.
The garden is much bigger which younger DS2 who is obsessed with playing football will benefit from.
The school DS2 is at is small and homely but not particularly good and I think he will really enjoy a bigger school with more opportunities, e.g., a football club.
I don't think there would be a natural time to move mum9876, so the sooner the better so they have more time to settle and to enjoy the benefits of the new house before they are too old to enjoy the bigger garden etc.
Mum9876, I too hoped that they would fall out with friends. DS2 was recently voted onto the school council and part of me wished he'd lost the election as the disappointment would have been a way of saying ''don't worry, you can try at your new school''. That's mean I know.
We have had so many school functions ruined by the presence of this awful person who has tries so hard to hurt our family all out of her own twisted jealousy.
I am glad you are more removed from your situation and hope you do your best to recover form it.

I'm sympathetic but I don't think you should uproot your sons when they are happy, not just to get away from some crazy lady.

You are adults, you can actually decide to not let her get to you anymore. Don't give her more power over you. Eventually everyone will move on and you can forget it. Or she might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Moving your whole family and disrupting your sons seems really extreme to get away from one person.

Kids that age don't always adapt. My DH was moved around that time and he spent years miserable because he was happy in their old place and never really settled into his new one. I don't think it's the kind of thing to do without a good reason.

I have to agree with dreaming. You are adults, can you not just move on from this? It seems like a drastic decision to make based on one person.

We moved when I was 13 and my DSIS was 5. We only moved 5 mikes away but tbh it could have been hundreds of miles away. The promised lifts eventually dried up and we were lonely. My sister ended up very badly bullied and I had far too much underage sex to try and boost my self esteem.

I know it's not the same for everyone but that's what happened to us.

I agree with you to a certain extent Dreamingbohemian which is why we are in a dilemma. However, although I hardly have any occasion to be around this woman now , that very thing has seemed to make it worse when I do run into here to the point that it gave me such severe chest pain the last time I saw her I am now on medication.
Also there is the fact that it is a much nicer house and it makes it slightly easier for us work wise.
It is easy to say ''do not let her get to you'' but our minds are difficult to control and our physiological response to external factor is even harder to control.
In the extreme I do not want to suffer from such high blood pressure that I put myself at risk of a stroke!

OP, yanbu.

Let's remember--who are the adults in this situation?

As a former military brat I can assure you that moving children does not equal a crisis; when the parents move, the children move.

We all love our children but there is no reason their needs must supercede ours all the time. The older child won't change schools (which can be difficult in early adolescence) and the younger child will adapt, even if it takes time. This is what children do...constantly change and grow.

Please do move and I wish you a happier life in your new home, all of you.

Thank you Sprink. I really appreciate that.
I think that is our opinion too but we have played out scenarios like Weekendninja's and we would never forgive ourselves if something like that happened.
The irony would then be that ''Crazy lady'' would have won by driving us to make our family as unhappy as she wants us to be.

How about you try and get some type of help for the way you are feeling? If that's a possibility then maybe you can gain some type of control over these emotions you are feeling and you may feel happier that you have conquered it iyswim?

Are you happy to tell us what actually happened?

Everyone's experience can be different. Ultimately it is up to you two to decide what is best for you and your family, but also to decide if your reasons are sound.

This didn't seem like running away to me, but running toward something.

And I'm very sorry for those who have had bad experiences or negative effects from a family move--my point was that it would be a shame to live a static, sheltered life simply for fear of upsetting the children. As much as I hate it, our children will be upset in life, one way or another. It's almost impossible to predict, and truly impossible to prevent.

I do agree with weekendninja that, if possible, it could be helpful to try and work through the issues with this woman. Professionally, if you can.

There will always be horrible people out there.

Move and buy your son a bus pass. I don't really tolerate pandering to kids with stuff like this. Ours were dead set against the area we moved to (aged 10, 12 and 14 at the time) but they adapted because a) they had to and b) er, they had to. But we ensured they had the means to keep in touch with their old friends and they've all kept some & made some new.

I think it depends on how you usually approach things like this with your children. Ours have grown up knowing that we make the decisions and barring serious issues they have to put up and shut up. But if you've not taken that approach previously, it will be harder to instigate it in this case.

I have had some therapy already which has helped us a lot but as mum9876 said it never goes away fully.
We are very happy in ourselves now. Infact it has made a relationship much stronger and closer than ever before but I can only equate it to living in the same small town as a person who has assaulted you and you can run into them at any time.
Basically she and her family were friends with my family and we would spend quite a bit of time together. Her marriage was very unhappy.....they are now separated due to what she did. She used things that I told her in confidence about my relationship with my DP as we were going through a difficult time to sneakily try and split us up.
She started sowing doubts in my DP's mind about our issues, telling him I didn't love him and that he deserved better while at the same time implying to people they were having an affair.
Eventually she dug such a hole for herself as her lies got more ridiculous that she lost all her friends, her business and her family.
She has never admitted she did any wrong but the fact that her friends of 10yrs or more want nothing to do with her is destiny to her madness.

That does sound awful. You do sound like you have come a long way already. It also sounds like people will have the measure of this poisonous woman. Time is a good healer and people do forget.

Only you can make the decision I guess. I wish you the best.

Normastits....love the bus pass idea. It's a tricky line between pandering and doing what is best for them. But as people have said , it is our lives too!