To relocate when my children are happy here.

[happyclapper]

After a couple of very difficult years financially and emotionaly my DP and I are in a good place but feel like we would like a fresh start. We also would like a bigger house / garden which would be nice for all the familybut we cannot afford that where we vcurrently live.
We have found a lovely house 15 miles away which means DS 1 can remain at his newly joined secondary school but DS2 would need to move.
Ds1 has just found a bit of independance and enjoys meeting friends after school which he would find difficult if we moved as he won't go yo the local school. Are we being selfish? They have already said they don't want to move despite lovely house.

Also, make sure that your completely happy with your DH. It appears that he did enable her behaviour somewhat. The last thing you want us to be isolated from a support system and then realising that you harbour issues with your DH too.

weekendninja, my DP worries more about this than I do. He thinks that if we move and don't feel better I will blame him. He is more keen to move though as obviously he feels huge resentment towards people who jumped to conclusions and fuelled the gossip.

I'm sorry but now I really do think you would be selfish to move. A crazy lady telling lies about you, which everyone knows are lies, and meddling in your relationship is not at all like having to see a violent assailant every day. It sounds like a lot of drama and I'm sure it was extremely unpleasant but given that everyone has shunned her and you are still together and happy, you have won and should be able to move on.

I would continue the therapy, is it CBT? We actually can control our reactions to things like this, but you need to believe that's possible.

I don't want to sound harsh but your sons are happy where they are, your eldest is experiencing much-needed independence, your youngest is obviously well-liked and responsible enough to be voted to school council.... it would really be a shame to disrupt all that to get away from one person.

I would at least give it another year of therapy and letting life go on and then see how you feel.

dreaningbohemian I don't think you can appreciate how devasting it is to have someone invade your life and tell absolute lies about you in front of your face. Her behaviour was so bad 2 others mums have moved their children out of the school. I am not diminishing physical assault but we have been scared at times as to what she would do next.
Friends have urged us to report her to the police but we went down the road of trying to ignore everything as she feeds off attention and she would be capable of saying anything if challenged.
On a more practical note we would love the new house and way of life it would offer.

We can't afford a bigger house in our town. This is the closest we could find an affordable house. Also, staying in the same small would mean we would still run into her and as she is prone to verbal abuse in the street / shops/cafes, thats not a good option.

No but I have experienced physical assault, sexual assault and lots of other terrible things. Thanks to CBT I am now a normal and happy person and really unaffected by all of it. So I do think that with help, we can overcome practically anything. I don't want to diminish what you went through but I do really think that with time it will be less painful.

Leaving school and moving away from friends will be pretty traumatic for your kids. But you're basically saying they should just get over their trauma, when you can't do the same. I think you should give yourself some more time.

My experience dreaming, is nowhere near as awful as yours I am sure but I would imagine you have no contact with your assailant.
Obviously to potentially much less effect however, we are in close quarters with this woman and she regularly parks her car outside our house.
When we are not in contact with her we are very happy but we never know when she will appear. Except of course she is always there at those times when we should just be enjoying our DS2's special moments at school when she will always make her presence felt.
Children having to move due to their parents circumstances is just a normal part of life sometimes and isn't really in the realms of trauma if handled well. Abuse is not normal whether mental, verbal, physical or sexual.

I'm assuming that at some point she will have a dc at the same secondary school as ds1. Doesn't that mean that you will be running into her (although less frequently) for years to come? Wouldn't you need to move somewhere much further away?

How well your dcs would adapt is difficult to say. It's not like being an army brat where you move alot but stay within the same community. We moved a lot with my df's job and always being the outsider and joining schools after friendship groups had been established made me very solitary and wary of getting involved as friendships rapidly fell apart when you left to move to the next town.

The person has a child at Ds2's junior school where there is much more interaction not the secondary school. Once we have left this schooland the town we would have no contact as her older children go to a different secondary school.
Can I here from people who have moved just because they wanted to move areas or for a better house. That is a major part too. We wouldn't move if there was no other benefit than getting away from her. It will be to a nicer house in a nicer area.

The nicer house and nicer area is something that matters to you not the dcs as you have already found out. Their big concern is always going to be their friends. How realistic is it going to be for them to maintain friendships? The younger they are the easier it is to make friends and probably being boys helps. I suspect ds2 will be very upset at losing school councillor status as that seems to be a huge thing with all the kids I know.

Iif you feel your needs do take precedence could you postpone the move until ds2 has had his stint on school council and ds1 has had a bit of time to enjoy his independence?

Move but be prepared to do a LOT of taxi runs for your DS to help keep him integrated with his friends.

I think the school council only lasts for a term so he will have done mist of his stint before we move ( and possibly discovered that he is missing out on playtime while attending the meeting). Also as he doesn't actually have many play dates due to busy patents etc we will easily be able to maintain the same level of out of school contact he has with his current friends plus he will have new friend from his new school and the neighbouring houses as it is a small development of family homes in a much more residential area.
Ds1 will be able to see his old frends after school as we could pick him up later.

I had dreadful neighbours, and it is impossible to overstate what a misery living close to someone who is batshit crazy can be. Even when you are inside your own house, you feel that some kind of attack might come.

I would move, OP - it'll be a fresh start. But I think you need to be honest with yourself, your DP and your children as to why you're doing it - and that may involve some careful explanation with the kids. I know that it might sound strange to explain something so 'grown-up' to little ones, but honestly, kids understand far more than we often give them credit for. (Some of the worst experiences of my childhood were when my parents kept stuff from me, yet it was obvious that something was wrong - it would've been much less terrifying just to have known). Plus, if they understand that this woman is the problem, she will be the bad guy and they will be less likely to blame you for the disruption.

I would also put in place resources for the kids to ensure that they are able to express their feelings about it, e.g. some kind of counselling for them, regular contact with friends etc.

We moved just under 15 miles purely for a better house, into a rural environment. The kids were younger then-8, 6 and 4. They stayed at their old school for a few months then we moved them to the local school. This was a complete disaster and eventually we moved all 3 out of that school to another a little further away. Now nearly 7 years after the move my kids are happy, settled and all achieving well. Two of them don't have particular friends in our tiny village now-they did initially but didn't really gel with anyone. My youngest has a great friend in the village. They have no issues with friends living miles away-yes we have to do taxi-ing but what parent outside of a major town or city doesn't?! It really can work. I think you are more afraid of what might go wrong than anticipating what will go right and improve. Bite the bullet and move! Better to regret something you did than something you didn't do!

Good point, outofcontrol. I don'twant to make it seem scary though. We've always tried to play it down but I know they were aware of something. I think it may be a good idea to give some explanation along those lines to DS1 to give the move some more meaning but I think DP may not agree as he is very bitter about what happened.

Waroftheroses, glad to hear it worked for you. It must have been even more difficult in a rural area. If we really thought our children wwould be unhappy in the long term we obviously wouldn't move. It is just horrible knowing they will be upset initially. Thinking about how much they actually see their friends outside school now it doesn't really justify holding us back.

I always loved living herehere til about 18months ago when I started having real problems with a woman at school. I was well and truly 'wendied' (apologies, I hate that expression but it seems to be well.known on here) and it caused me so much drama and anguish I really didn't want to live here anymore (VERY close to her house). But I was very careful not to involve the DCs and I basically just cut this woman out of my life as it was all so horrible. Now I'm glad we stayed. The children are settled and happy and I have been able to draw a line under it and move on. Not easy though .

Op, you should move! It will be a completely fresh start for you all.
I'm in a position where our house is way too small, ds is 11, has AS, dd is 3.8 and is sharing our bedroom ( in a toddler bed ) and we need a bigger house.

Ds has grown up here and even though he's started secondary school out of the area, all of his primary school friends are here and he doesn't want to move.

As dd is only at nursery,were not "tied" to this area and I feel like moving out of the area for a new start. We're on the outskirts of a big city and would like to be nearer to train station/ shops etc.

Ultimately, it's our decision as adults, ds will adapt, he will have to.

Good luck in whatever you decide:)

You are very decisive forverton. Our problem is that we are not. Every morning I wake up thinking how upset the kids will be then spend the rest of the day rationalising till we come back round to thinking it is the right thing to do . Arghh!