Not to re connect with people just because I now have a dd.

[mrsnec]

Bit of background, I live abroad and for a while I tried to keep in touch with all my old friends. They've all been invited here for holidays and some of them took me up on it.

During this time Dh and I were ttc. It's taken 5 years. It was very pwwainful and I distanced myself from some of my old friends during this time because they didn't understand,weren't supportive and I found it too painful when all they could talk about was babies and pregnancies. I also had an illness and an mc too and these old friends weren't there for me then either.

One of them in particular came over for a holiday. We did everything we could to make sure she had a nice time. When she got home she didn't want to know me and sent me an email saying we have nothing in common any more so she wanted to concentrate on her friends with children. I deleted her from fb at that point because I wasn't going to argue with that.

I had dd two weeks ago. I'm finding all sorts of people coming out of the woodwork. Sending me messages wanting my address so they can send me things for the baby. The friend I mentioned above even got mutual friends and even her mother to message me to try and get me to make amends. I appreciate the well wishes but I feel I moved on too.obviously I'm delighted about dd but don't feel that it's changed me as a person and that I'm interesting again now just because I'm a mother too. I haven't replied to any of them yet. If I do give them my address I don't want to feel like I owe them anything but not replying makes me feel really rude too. I think I'd rather ignore it and focus on making new friends here.wwyd?

I've done exactly the same thing, cut ties and moved on. Not worth my brain power!!

The one who visited then said you had nothing in common was horrible and I would reply explaining that you will never be friends again. The rest, I think when someone moves abroad and is at a different stage in life, it is natural to drift apart. I'd see this as natural and let the send gifts if they want to.

Ignore them! You don't need people like that in your life!

Thanks everyone. When I was ill this friend did get in touch but she just wanted to know what she could have possibly have done to upset me.

It was a difficult birth too. And I'm trying to concentrate on dd and making a good recovery I just can't be bothered to explain myself.worrying about doing the right thing is taking up brain power and you're right Pink, it's really not worth it!

Making the effort to tell you that she was cutting you off is not something you are obliged to forgive!

I know and then getting other people including her mother to tell me I owe her an explanation is ridiculous! But because other people have done similar too I wondered if it was the norm. I think I will ignore them. I just wanted reassurance that it's the best course of action. I've done it before and been accused of alienating myself.

Maybe post a generic message on Facebook thanking everyone for their congratulations & well wishes. Then either say your going incommunicado for a few weeks to enjoy your dd.

You could either block them or delete your account all together.

Btw congratulations on your dd

YANBU her whole "you owe me a reason" is to cover up her previous actions. Now you have managed to prove you can reproduce you are suddenly worth her time. Tough luck for her than you now realise that she is a cow.

I suddenly became interesting again to a bunch of former 'friends' when I successfully reproduced. Fuck them, I say. My real friends don't like me for my uterus.

I also magically attracted back older friends when my dd was born. I just ignored them and they soon vanished again. I'd recommend you do the same. You don't need their drama while you have a new baby to enjoy.

Email the nasty one back her email it might jog her memory

The 'friend' who visited is probably now trying to cover up the fact that it was her who said she didn't want to bother with you any more. Chances are people have asked her how you are, since she saw you last, and she's making up something where you took the huff at her rather than it being her fault. Getting other people to ask is a way of muddying the waters.

I agree that a generic FB update thanking people for their good wishes is a good way to respond. People should accept that since you are obviously busy with a new baby. Later you can consider whether you want to respond to anyone in more detail, but you certainly don't owe them anything.

The thing is, this dodgy one had turned a bit strange anyway. So I felt like she was doing me a favour.

I like the idea of doing a generic update but I don't want to go incommunicado because I have relatives and close friends on there too and I use it to post photos to them rather than emailing everyone.

I feel better that this has happened to others too. It's taken me a bit by surprise though because it seems like such odd behaviour and I've never changed an opinion on anyone just because they've reproduced!

"owe her an explanation"

What a funny idea, after she gave you an "explanation" she didn't "owe" you!

Agree with others about bland responses. You can always escalate, to get her to leave you alone, later, if she persists. However, maybe bland face-saving will be enough!

That sounds absolutely unforgivable - treating someone like a pariah because they are childless . How utterly hurtful and spiteful. And then having the cheek to come crawling back because you too have joined the magic club of motherhood, something they took completely for granted themselves.

Get rid of her, with an explanation, so hopefully she won't be so bloody thoughtless and horrible in the future.

Nothing is like the pain of infertility, and people like her have no fucking idea.

Congratulations on your daughter. You must feel so relieved and over the moon.

I'd not bother with the rude friend who said you had nothing in common, but maybe give the others a chance. As you are abroad it maybe was not easy for them to do much to help when you were ill and had a mc.

I bet hester is right, I know at least some of my ex-friends conceived very quickly, so to their mind you not being pregnant = you not wanting to get pregnant (because they haven't the imagination to think of the alternatives) and took it as a criticism of their choices in a warped way.

Hi Winks :)

Hi hest :)

A couple of my old friends even stopped talking to me after I had confided in them I was having fertility treatment . It was as though they thought I would "infect" them with my sadness and they couldn't be bothered to think of things to say to me.

No one needs "friends" like those.

I had this. Two of my friends were absolutely vile to me when I had a missed mc and pretty much cut me off. Then when I had DS, they said that they'd see me again.

Fuck off to the far side of fuck is what I would have responded had I bothered to reply.

Congratulations on your DD - you are so much more than a functioning uterus :)

If you do decide to do my advice of a generic post about going incommunicado it gives you the chance to have a cull of your friends list and get rid of unwanted people. By the time they notice you've deleted them they hopefully won't care.
My dh is on Facebook but usually sends photos through pm to relatives and friends.

Thanks again everyone. It was strange some of them even that nasty one had experience of mc/infertility but didn't think I coped with it as well as they did because they just took it in their stride and I was deeply effected by it, although this was a side effect of my illness too.

All I wanted people to say was that they were thinking of me. I didn't really need anything else. Hester, you are so right about people being worried I was going to infect them with my sadness I think that's spot on. It was the same when I was ill too.

I'm sorry to hear some of you have been through it too. Some of these stories are awful.

And thanks for the congrats too, yes I do feel like that but also there are times when I either feel like it's not real or I feel very overwhelmed.

I'm going to go against the balance of opinion here and suggest you allow these people to express their good wishes towards you and your DD; be open to it and see what happens.

(I had a not entirely dissimilar thing going on and wish I'd taken the opportunity to respond when one or two people in particular reached out. Too late now.)

there are times when I either feel like it's not real or I feel very overwhelmed

Could you explain a little more?

Congratulations OP

Like the poster above I think, in the main, you could let people send you their best wishes and just see how it goes. Good things might happen.

It is very hard to maintain long distance friendships, especially in the thick of family life with young children. But the birth of a child is the excuse some people may need if they have been a bit lazy and slack.

Your ungrateful former friend who decided to formally notify you of her decision to ditch you can do one though.