Not to re connect with people just because I now have a dd.

[mrsnec]

Bit of background, I live abroad and for a while I tried to keep in touch with all my old friends. They've all been invited here for holidays and some of them took me up on it.

During this time Dh and I were ttc. It's taken 5 years. It was very pwwainful and I distanced myself from some of my old friends during this time because they didn't understand,weren't supportive and I found it too painful when all they could talk about was babies and pregnancies. I also had an illness and an mc too and these old friends weren't there for me then either.

One of them in particular came over for a holiday. We did everything we could to make sure she had a nice time. When she got home she didn't want to know me and sent me an email saying we have nothing in common any more so she wanted to concentrate on her friends with children. I deleted her from fb at that point because I wasn't going to argue with that.

I had dd two weeks ago. I'm finding all sorts of people coming out of the woodwork. Sending me messages wanting my address so they can send me things for the baby. The friend I mentioned above even got mutual friends and even her mother to message me to try and get me to make amends. I appreciate the well wishes but I feel I moved on too.obviously I'm delighted about dd but don't feel that it's changed me as a person and that I'm interesting again now just because I'm a mother too. I haven't replied to any of them yet. If I do give them my address I don't want to feel like I owe them anything but not replying makes me feel really rude too. I think I'd rather ignore it and focus on making new friends here.wwyd?

Hmmm, I'm inclined to wonder - and I say this kindly OP - that there may have been difficult emotions and misunderstandings with ungrateful former friend.

The birth of a baby can be a good time for reassessment.

And congratulations, OP

Hi OP. I agree with Something above.

In your OP you say that you distanced yourself from your old friends (due to you not feeling that they understood what you were going through); maybe they're not aware of how they made you feel? (Not sure what to say about that one particular friend though. Do you still have the email she sent?)

Congratulations on your DD

Totally understand how you feel. But...
I was one of the first of my friends to have kids. Spent years feeling really lonely and isolated from my friends. I was so self conscious about being boring and about my kids making noise etc etc. And worried people wouldn't understand why I could hardly ever make events/parties.
I think I avoided everyone until I got some confidence with it all. I now think it was on both sides a bit.
I desperately wanted someone to say, please still come, we love you even though you've changed!
Just something else that might have been at play!
The email friend sounds awful though

Fuck them.

Thanks again everyone, in my last post I just meant I am feeling very emotional and its mostly hormonal but also its been a very long time since I had anything to celebrate.

It's quite possible there have been misunderstandings but I did explain myself after my illness and during both pgs to mutual friends so I don't feel like I should have to. I would consider reaching out if I didn't feel like I'd have to explain myself again and everyone could draw a line under it all.

I deleted the old email. Even if I had it I wouldn't use it. I don't want to dwell on the past.

Well, actually, you don't need to explain yourself. At all.

They are the ones reaching out (as they say) to you. Let them. And take it from there.

You draw the line.

I was a bit concerned about things not feeling 'real'.

I had this with DC1 and it was to do with unresolved feelings about a loss years earlier. I hope it's not the case for you.

However, infinity, having been on the receiving end of it, I assure it feels like people are ignoring you because they think people who haven't managed to reproduce aren't as worth their time and love as people who have done.

something, I think I just meant that as a figure of speech although my mc was only a year ago it's possible I'm not over it yet. I'm sorry to hear it happened to you too.

Infinity,so if I hadn't got pg they would have carried on ignoring me for years until I did join their club? Just seems odd behaviour to me because it's not how I treat people. I have a good friend here for example who I know wants more children but can't. She's visited me in hospital 2 days after dd was born and since. I am very conscious of her feelings. I would understand if she didn't visit and I don't insist she holds dd and I make sure I always talk about non child related things that are going on in her life.

The point I'm making is that it's not difficult to maintain friendships and still be sensitive to the individual's situation.

I do agree that the one who messaged you saying you had nothing in common is a bit of a cow and probably a drama queen to boot - you can see that she's trying to make DD's birth all about her, in a funny way. Ignore that one.

However, for the rest of your friends (who seem to have just drifted apart over the years, and that does happen when you have DCs and time becomes short) I think they're really only trying to be nice and mark this event for you. when DS was born I got gifts from old college friends, friends of my mum's - so many people who weren't really 'in' my life. It's nice. People still want to mark a new life, I think that's lovely.

I have sympathy for you. I've had a hard time TTC too, with a number of losses. People can be incredibly inconsiderate, and friends can turn out to be not what you thought.

I have a friend who can't have children, who's been wonderful throughout all my MCs, and who I know is worried that when I have a child I'll stop spending time with her (this is something she's said to me). I don't have any intention of doing that, because our friendship is about more than just living the same lives.

If these people didn't want to see you or support you when you were different from them but are keen to meet up now you've got something in common, they'll never be anything more than shallow friends anyway. Personally I wouldn't bother - I'd start afresh and build up a new network of friends.

Further to what Lonny said, maybe it's about letting the birth, your baby, be celebrated, aside from all the complex adult relationship stuff?

Just wanted to post as I am probably guilty of being on the other side of this. Not the nasty friend, but I have been REALLY rubbish at keeping in touch with my friends, especially since I had my kids. So often I have actually been thinking of people all along but it is actually their marriage/birth of child that spurs me to reconnect. A couple of times recently I have obviously left it too long. I can understand if they think I am too flakey to be friends with or that they are just busy too but I do miss them and feel genuinely sad about it. So, I acknowledge like your friends I have been rubbish but that has been entirely down to my own disorganisation and being overwhelmed by life not because I don't care a lot about my (former) friends.

If people are offering you presents, I would accept them. At best it might lead to a friendship rejuvenating. At worst - you write a curt thank you note and then never communicate with them again. Eitherway your DD gets another couple of teddybears and snuggle blankets out of it.

With regards to the one who emailed after her visit to say she had nothing in common with you and was going to concentrate on her friends with children - I would be awfully tempted to message her mother, and anyone else she is getting to intercede on her behalf, and say, "Given that it was X who broke off the friendship, by emailing me to say we had nothing in common, and she intended to concentrate on her friends with children, I do not agree that I owe her anything. If any explanations and apologies are owed, it is from her to me, but even if she does accept this, I do not need or want to hear them from her."

With the friends who have drifted away, I might be a bit more forgiving - I might re-establish some basic contact, and see what happened - whether they realised how upsetting it had been that they had drifted away, and acknowledged that to you, and how they behaved from now on - one final chance, maybe.

But the bottom line is that these friends have not treated you well, and you are not obliged to renew any friendships that you don't feel are beneficial to you.

And huge congratulations on the birth of your baby!

Is it possible that this woman actually forgot what she said you about not staying friends due to having nothing in common as you were childless? If she remembers saying that and still doesn't understand why you don't want to be friends with her then she is a moron!

Thanks all. Yes I think she did forget what she said. She told the mutual friend and her mother and she mentioned it in her last email to me that she didn't know what my problem was. I replied to the mutual friend and the mother without mentioning her but I told her mum to pass on my regards to her family.

Yes driving, a couple of the others have told me that they've been too busy and not really known what to say in terms of the mc and ttc. I will be polite but my feelings are that I've got more time for people who have time for me.

I get the celebrating new life thing. I've been surprised people's generosity. I too have had beautiful,thoughtful gifts from all sorts of people including my mil's boss, clients and neighbours it's been so lovely it's taken me 2 days to write thankyou cards!

When I sent 'congrats on your lovely baby' messages/gifts, I don't expect anything back as those early months are for concentrating on the baby. I would try not to think about acknowledging anyone it doesn't feel natural to acknowledge, iykwim? This is YOUR time to revel in new babyness and you have waited so long to get where you are now, that friends, flaky or otherwise, just arn't important.

Congratulations !

That's a good point And, my mum keeps reminding me dd isn't even 3 weeks old yet and its still early days.