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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should have asked me first before getting a dog

62 replies

NorrisCole · 14/10/2014 07:19

A friend of ours has recently been sectioned. He hasn't been well for a while and things came to a head a few days ago and he has been taken to get better.

He has a dog, quite a large dog - I think it's a bearded collie - which I have met a few times.

DP has decided that we are taking the dog and we will be keeping it until our friend gets out and back on his feet again.

I am fuming. I don't like dogs, sorry I know that's not a popular opinion but I never have liked them, I'm nervous around them and in my opinion they stink and slobber everywhere and the thought of it makes me feel sick.

I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old and I have got enough to do day to day without a dog too, I'd be looking after the dog daily while DP is at work and 3/4 nights a week too while he is at the pub and his hobbies.

It means I can't really do anything unless I plan it round the dog.

It means that I will need to leave the house several times a day to walk it no matter how exhausted I am from being up most of the night with a 16 month old who refuses to sleep.

I know I sound selfish but surely he should have asked me first? He just jumped straight in wanting to look like the big I am offering to do this that and the next thing when he knows he hasn't got the time.

There are several other people who could take the dog but DP says that the dog doesn't know them so he won't settle. I pointed out that the dog doesn't actually know me either and more importantly the dog doesn't know the dcs so it wasn't any different.

Finally, our tenancy agreement states no pets at all and I'm nervous about saying to the landlord about the dog staying in the flat. I know they wouldn't be happy and I completely understand why, the flat has just been redecorated with new carpets and flooring.

Aibu to put my foot down for once and refuse to let him bring the dog here?

Or should I be more understanding and give it a go?

OP posts:

londonrach · 14/10/2014 07:51

Yanbu to say no to the dog for your reasons given. However your title misleading as its your dh helping out a friend for short time not getting dog forever (you hope). Is there other friends or family. Can you share the dog around. I understand your reasons why not you.

combust22 · 14/10/2014 07:55

I would be fuming and I love dogs.
You OH has committed you to look after the dog, not him, if he is out so much.

If my OH did this the dog would be gone today.

worserevived · 14/10/2014 07:59

I think the issue here isn't so much whether you want the dog, but that you can't take the dog anyway. If your tenancy agreement does not permit pets, you will be in breech if you get one. You don't want to put yourselves at risk of eviction with 2 small children to think about. Your DP can't just ignore this term in the tenancy because it suits him, it is a legal contract.

That aside a dog that has never lived with children shouldn't be put into a household away from it's day to day carer with a toddler and a pre-schooler without proper assessment. It is dangerous. If it got stressed and upset by the noise it could snap or worse. I say this as the owner of 2 collies, so I'm not anti dog by any means.

Please speak to your landlord, and get him/her to speak to your DP. Then contact www.cinnamon.org.uk/. They may be able to help you as their volunteers will take in pets while owners are in hospital.

YANBU. Anyone who tells you you should take the dog is effectively telling you to breech the contact and put yourself at risk of eviction

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/10/2014 08:01

YANBU. He should have asked you first. Say no, it's not selfish at all.

It's easy for your DH, he won't be the one looking after it. Tell him if he wants it he can take the time off to walk it.

LittleBairn · 14/10/2014 08:05

YANBU its your husband that has taken responsibly for the dog for you to care for that's totally unacceptable.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 14/10/2014 08:06

Very unfair on the dog (collies and flats are not a good mix, and you won't have time to look after it properly) and very unfair on you.

I don't understand why there is even a discussion to be had. Just say no.

SnakeyMcBadass · 14/10/2014 08:11

YANBU. Kill him.

Sunna · 14/10/2014 08:12

YANBU. Him and the dog out.

londonrach · 14/10/2014 08:15

Cinnamon trust sounds lovely. Thanks for link worse. Ill remember that if any of my patients need help with their pets.

Whocansay · 14/10/2014 08:17

Today, take the dog round to one of the other friends who offered to look after it. Don't even tell him you're doing it. Is this even a safe dog to have around small children? Why would you risk your tenancy? This is a no brainer!

He wanted to look like the 'big man who steps up'. Unfortunately he isn't a 'big man' and washed his hands of any actual responsibility at the earliest opportunity. But as long as everyone else thinks he's a 'big man', that's OK. And as for expecting you to look after the dog whilst he goes to the pub, he can fuck off. That in itself give me the red mist.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 14/10/2014 08:40

YANBU and you've no need to apologise. Your DH is bang out of order to take a dog without discussing it with you first and that's without the fact that he's breaching the tenancy order which could get you thrown out.

Ludways · 14/10/2014 08:41

For the tenancy agreement alone YANBU

airforsharon · 14/10/2014 09:35

I'm currently resting my feet on my very lovely spaniel But I agree you ANBU. If your tenancy agreement forbids pets then that is reason enough, never mind his expectation that you will care for the dog - has he any idea what that actually entails?

CrispyFern · 14/10/2014 09:42

Tell him to take the dog to work every day and move into the friend's empty flat while he's away if he wants to watch the dog.
You don't want to watch the dog. It isn't for him to decide that you are!

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/10/2014 09:43

Good god absolutely not.

Ring one of the friends to pick the dog up.

Now why is your do treating you and his children so disrespectfully? Why is he in the pub/hobbies every night?

You really need to address the underlying issues here. The dog is just the tipping point here.

And to put you all at risk of eviction is disgustingly stupid.

Sorry op he sounds a waste of space.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 09:52

YANBU buuuuuuuuut, I think it would be the "right" thing to do to try and give it a go to help out the friend who has been sectioned. If you really can't manage (and I would find it hard, hence we don't gave a dog despite me loving them) as opposed to just don't want to then DH will have to find a different solution. Even though YANBU, I'd give it a try.

Although scrap that, just reread OP and seen it's against your tenancy agreement. Well that's that then - you can't risk eviction. Dog will have to go elsewhere.

Infinity8 · 14/10/2014 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scuttlebutter · 14/10/2014 10:14

OP, I am really sorry to hear that you've been put in this position.

As others have said, you would be in breach of your tenancy agreement, and it's extremely irresponsible for an unassessed dog who is not used to living with DC, to be put in a small flat with two very small DC. That's a recipe for disaster and your DH should be thinking about the safety of your DC.

Sadly, when this sort of situation crops up, dogs need looking after, and there are a number of rescues that will be able to help provide a safe, vetted, childfree foster home for this poor dog. You've already had a link to the Cinnamon Trust - please use them as a starting point, they are an excellent charity. If you are still struggling to find somewhere after that, please contact me via PM - I do a lot of rescue volunteering and have rescue contacts so will be able to give you more help and support.

We ourselves did a similar long term foster with two of our dogs - their adopter was very ill and the dogs came to us for care while owner was an inpatient. It was possible for the dogs to be taken to visit the owner regularly and it helped the owner's recovery greatly knowing they were being well cared for in a secure environment. In some cases after sectioning, recovery is quite difficult, and a rescue will have the resources to be able to support a dog long term if an owner isn't well enough to pick up the reins again. As an example, this happened with us, and the charity now helps us by meeting all vets bills (this year alone, one of the dogs has cost over £5000 and rising, due to a combination of accidents and having cancer). Ask your DH what would happen if this dog suddenly became ill itself? It doesn't sound like you have lots of spare cash either for vets bills, plus the ongoing cost of food, grooming, flea treatment, worming, and paying for a dog walker if he doesn't step up.

Whatever you do though, please, please don't put teh dog into a pound. The owner won't get it back, and it may very well be PTS after seven days.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/10/2014 10:18

infinity well exactly

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2014 10:31

No! Absolutely do NOT give it a go!

Your DP is being a complete arse here, and for all the many, many justifiable reasons that you have given.

"Aibu to put my foot down for once and refuse to let him bring the dog here?"
I am a bit concerned with your 'for once'. That suggests he does this a lot, and you are getting walked over frequently. Is this the case? And what do you want to do about it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/10/2014 10:35

A strange dog around your DCs, presumably unused to infants, what was DH thinking? He was acting out of best intentions for your friend but as you are lumbered with the care of it he was definitely unreasonable.

LetThereBeCupcakes · 14/10/2014 10:43

Oh dear God.

I have 2 dogs. I love dogs. I train dogs. I live and breathe dogs.

I would be LIVID if my DH did this.

YANBU At All!

Where are you? Is there a local breed rescue that can help find a foster home?

claig · 14/10/2014 10:45

YANBU

maninawomansworld · 14/10/2014 10:46

Hell no YANBU.
I love dogs, I have over a dozen at the moment BUT not everyone likes dogs and like it or not, if you are caring for them properly they can dominate your life much like a small child.

As you say, you have to plan things around the dogs. Feeding times and walks need to be consistent (dogs like routine), they need care as it's not fair to leave them alone for long periods (especially on their own). Plus they are expensive to keep (feed, vets etc) and they make a cracking mess of your house - especially if you house isn't some sort of huge palace.
Even if you're a dog lover all this can be a big ask so for him to dump one on you (and not a small dog at that), is way out of line.

Ticktockblock · 14/10/2014 10:51

Tell him he will have to give up his hobbies and pub in the evenings to take the fog for a walk as you won't have time.

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