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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this time I can't bale DS, 22, out

55 replies

Marina11 · 13/10/2014 23:53

to think that DS, 22, should fund his fare to and from home.
He's at uni, a long way from here, and wants to come home for a few days for a friend's birthday. He worked in the Summer and has a p-t job now, in his uni town.

Of course I want to see him - though I'm not sure he should be missing valuable post grad seminars (pricey course) this early on ...
He wants me to order the train tickets. I've searched high and low for advance, cheaper tickets - found some but am really, really, stretched right now. Have very little to get through to the end of the month, before pay day. DH insecure job, mine not very well paid and other DCs.

We have priority debts - need to be able to get to work - need to feed ourselves, however modestly ... and I have to travel a bit this week for work - have to shell out before I'm reimbursed.

AIBY to think that DS should pay his fares. He's really, really cagey about money. My guess is that much of what he earned is spent - but not on accommodation as we paid the first month plus deposit.

Looking at my bank balance and adding things up, I know I should say no, not unless you can guarantee that you'll be able to pay me back when you come home. I'm losing sleep, as it is, worried about how we'll cope until the end of the month.

OP posts:
GlitterIsJustVampireAsh · 13/10/2014 23:54

This reply has been deleted

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YouTheCat · 13/10/2014 23:55

He's an adult. He needs to stop using the bank of mum and dad and grow up.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 13/10/2014 23:56

He's 22. He's a grown adult. Don't pay his train fares when you are struggling yourself.

Dragonlette · 13/10/2014 23:57

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Tell him that. He's an adult, he'll find a way to fund it himself or he wont. His choice. You need to concentrate on getting your own household through the month. If it was essential then you'd do your best to help him out I'm sure, but it's not, it's a jolly for a birthday.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2014 23:57

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to refuse to pay for the tickets. You're strapped financially and he doesn't have to travel home for an emergency. If he wanted to come home for this he should have budgeted for it.

alAswad · 13/10/2014 23:58

Say no. I'm around your son's age and my parents sometimes pay for me to visit home (I'm not working though), but they don't always and I never expect them to. He's coming home for something he wants to do, not because you want to see him, and he's an adult with his own source of income - both of those would be reasons not to pay imo, but the fact that you're struggling yourselves seals it.

If he can't afford it then it'll teach him to budget properly next time. His friend presumably has a birthday every year, it's not like he couldn't have planned for this.

alAswad · 13/10/2014 23:59

(Now I feel old! Grin)

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2014 23:59

He doesn't even need to come home, really, does he? Just tell him you can't afford it. He's old enough to know that he can't have something just because he wants it. At the moment, that fare would mean the whole of the rest of your family would be uncomfortable and you'd be stressed. If it was a real emergency, that would be different.

Is his MA full time or part time?

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 00:05

Say no, absolutely

and ask some very tough questions about why he feels entitled to miss important seminars

TsukuruTazaki · 14/10/2014 00:05

He needs to grow up and pay his own way.

You mention the expensive masters course - just wondering who is paying for that?

Pumpkinification · 14/10/2014 00:13

YANBU. He's an adult. He needs to start acting like one & realise that you also have things you'd like to spend the money on, like food & keeping a roof over your heads. You are not helping him by bailing him out all the time, all it teaches him is that he doesn't need to stand on his own two feet.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 14/10/2014 00:20

Is hitchhiking still a possibility? I did a lot of that in my teen years (albeit that was the '70's) and still pick up the odd one or two, when out and about.

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 00:26

Sorry OP but I think you need to have a hard and difficult conversation with your son about responsibility. You shouldnt pay for his ticket, he should find his own ticket home and you need to be honest with him about your own situation. He needs to stand on his own two feet.

I know it's hard, and easy for us to say, but you cannot keep baling him out (you mention 'again') in your title and that your have paid a months rent. It is possible he doesn't know your situation, if you haven't said, and you need to tell him, on the other hand he may just be expecting you to keep paying for things as you always have done. There comes a time when people need to accept responsibility for themselves and this is an ideal opportunity for him to start, he is 22 and a postgraduate now afterall.

I can't see his tutors being happy about him missing seminars either, I've done a masters and been a lecturer on a masters and they can become very tough if someone misses lectures and seminars (masters very different to undergrad) This varies with departments of course but he really shouldn't be taking time off for a birthday.

Please look after yourself and have this much needed, difficult, conversation with him. Flowers

Original poster
Marina11 · 14/10/2014 00:26

Thank you, all, for all your supportive and very reasonable comments. For years we've been too weak - caving in when we simply haven't had the means and/or when DS has been old enough to get a part time job. He wouldn't work throughout his undergrad years - boy, was that tough on us.

He has now started to realise that being a student, particularly a postgrad ie slightly older student, is perfectly compatible with working. But he's dead secretive about how much he's got - in fact, gets shirty when we ask.

If I fork out for one fare, it'll be the return, all the bits and bobs, like getting to the party - which is some way from here - and buying a present, and going out with mates, and, and, and -

He's enormously loving, he really is, but I'm beginning (and it's a sinking feeling) to think that he's nevertheless rather manipulative.

Wish me luck when I speak to him tomorrow -

Imperial - it's a full-time course. But only 3 - 4 seminars a week and expectation there'll be lots of independent work.

Tsukuru - it was paid for from a legacy - but that was it, just the course. It is a good course, a reputable department - madness, I think, to miss a whole week of seminars which is his intention at present. Can't really be made up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marina11 · 14/10/2014 00:30

Becca - just seen your post. Thanks. I agree with you entirely about missing seminars. Short semesters - in reality only two of them - a course he really wanted to do and said he'd throw himself into. His birthday friend is very nice and would undoubtedly understand.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 14/10/2014 00:30

If I fork out for one fare, it'll be the return, all the bits and bobs, like getting to the party - which is some way from here - and buying a present, and going out with mates, and, and, and

He's 22 and he would still expect this??????? The boy needs a wake up call!!

If parents can afford it and want the kids to come home in the holidays, for Christmas or whatever then yes, they should pay, but being expected to pay so that he can come home for a mates birthday (& all the extras) do piss right off!! (Even if you could afford it, which you can't)

ILovedYouYesterday · 14/10/2014 00:33

Yanbu.

If you could afford it easily, it might be nice to treat him to the ticket but you can't. He is old enough for you to be able to explain this to him and then it is up to him if he decides to come or not.

One thing, does he have a young persons railcard? I got one for my DS using my Tesco clubcard points (£15 of points I think) Saves him quite a bit of money but doesn't feel as if it cost me anything. He's probably got one but I thought I'd mention it in case it's helpful to you or other mumsnetters - I think I heard about it on here originally.

Pumpkinification · 14/10/2014 00:35

If he is getting shirty when you ask, I'd take the view that it's his business. He's an adult, if he doesn't want you to know his bank balance, fine. But, that still leads to the inevitable conclusion that an adult should be paying their own way.

Either he's an adult or a child. He doesn't get to be both.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/10/2014 00:39

Hi op, been there and got the t shirt.

Honestly say no.

Look if you could easily afford it you would! We would. This isn't about teaching lessons it's about economics. You just can't afford it so tell him that.

I am sure he's loving because he lives you. Swap manipulative for young and hopeful and you are probably spot on.

In ten years time he hopefully will have a great job and know he owes that to you guys.

Smile
livingzuid · 14/10/2014 00:40

To be fair as well if he's still expecting you to fund his lifestyle then he shouldn't be getting uppity when you ask about his finances. Hope you get it sorted OP. It's in his best interests (and yours) in the long run.

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 00:40

Marina, I think he now automatically expects you to bail him out all the time. I hope the conversation goes well, I suspect it will be very difficult though Flowers

There's no way he should miss that much time from his course - he would be expected as a postgrad to account for a week with a medical certificate or proof of a family emergency. Personally I couldn't have worked and done my masters properly, even though there weren't many contact hours there was so much work after a month I couldn't have kept up (weekly assignments as well as practical work) though I guess it depends on the course.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/10/2014 00:40

Loves you not lives you!! Bloody phone.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2014 00:59

He's expecting you to fund aspects of his life choices that you are not impressed he's doing, but being cagey about why he can't fund it?

Don't do it. Do the man a huge service and make him stand on his own two feet

Kellie1991 · 14/10/2014 01:10

No yanbu I had my own house at 19yrs old and my first child at 21 and I have never asked my mum to borrow money as I know she struggles financially as well. She offered a while ago to buy my ds his uniform for nursery next month for him starting and while it would b a great help for us as we are struggling atm I haven't decided yet whether to let her pay for it or not as I feel guilty taking money from her and seeing her go without x

wobblyweebles · 14/10/2014 01:53

But he's dead secretive about how much he's got - in fact, gets shirty when we ask

Then it's absolutely fine for you to get shirty in return when he asks for money.

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