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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this time I can't bale DS, 22, out

55 replies

Marina11 · 13/10/2014 23:53

to think that DS, 22, should fund his fare to and from home.
He's at uni, a long way from here, and wants to come home for a few days for a friend's birthday. He worked in the Summer and has a p-t job now, in his uni town.

Of course I want to see him - though I'm not sure he should be missing valuable post grad seminars (pricey course) this early on ...
He wants me to order the train tickets. I've searched high and low for advance, cheaper tickets - found some but am really, really, stretched right now. Have very little to get through to the end of the month, before pay day. DH insecure job, mine not very well paid and other DCs.

We have priority debts - need to be able to get to work - need to feed ourselves, however modestly ... and I have to travel a bit this week for work - have to shell out before I'm reimbursed.

AIBY to think that DS should pay his fares. He's really, really cagey about money. My guess is that much of what he earned is spent - but not on accommodation as we paid the first month plus deposit.

Looking at my bank balance and adding things up, I know I should say no, not unless you can guarantee that you'll be able to pay me back when you come home. I'm losing sleep, as it is, worried about how we'll cope until the end of the month.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/10/2014 02:35

What wobbly said with bells on.

It works both ways.

NormaStits · 14/10/2014 07:25

Don't even accept a guarantee that he will pay you back. You've said you need the money for this month, so he'd have to pay you back this month, so he might as well just get online and order the tickets himself.

londonrach · 14/10/2014 07:47

Another no.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 14/10/2014 07:50

He's an adult.
You need to start treating like one and he'll start behaving like one.

I'm 23, have two kids, married, own our own home.
The immaturity of some my age astounds me but I think a lot is to do with the parents and their attitude towards them.

KnackeredMuchly · 14/10/2014 09:28

He'd expect a lot less from you if you gave him less. Even if you had squillions in the bank, I wouldn't buy him travel and expenses to a party at the age of 22. The fact that you struggle for cash so much should really help you decide he needs to stand on his own two feet.

He's 22!

Original poster
Marina11 · 14/10/2014 11:58

Many, many thanks, all of you. I feel an awful lot stronger after reading your comments.

DS has just called - hadn't a clue what he had in his account so I told him to find out. Seems he's spent pretty much all that he earned over the Summer. He says on books and I can believe that to an extent but I think there's been a lot of socialising - OK, but if you do that, you've got to live with the consequences.

On the phone just now, I was very open and honest with him. Told him that because of big expenditure over the past few weeks, including his rent and deposit (which we didn't begrudge) and a very necessary renovation job in the house and DH and I having effectively lost our secondary incomes - wrong time of the year - things were going to be a very real struggle through the rest of this month until payday, really. And the very careful budgeting continues after that, as it does for very many people.

He could go and buy a ticket now from his nearest station - but once he was home, he'd be relying on us for the return fare, the tickets to the birthday etc, etc - especially if his money is spent. We just don't have the dosh, irrespective of any feelings about the rightness of all this. He has enough to live reasonably and of course we'd always help out if he was likely to go hungry - course we would.

The body - you're right. He's not manipulative - though that is rather how it seems sometimes - he is 'young and hopeful'.

And Becca - you're right about time off his MA course - a whole week's worth of seminars. My guess, too, is that questions would be asked. He hasn't told his seminar tutors yet. He told me that he could make up by doing the readings that are on the internet - I wonder.

OP posts:
naty1 · 14/10/2014 12:31

The friend will have another birthday. Will teach him he needs to save to do the things he wants.
Its only oct he will need money for the rest of the yr. and only 10wks to xmas he should focus on the money to get back for that.

SavoyCabbage · 14/10/2014 12:45

I agonised this morning over deciding whether I should take into school something dd (10) had forgotten as I worry about her lack of responsibility.

I took it in, but I knew that it was to make me feel better rather than for the greater good.

AndHarry · 14/10/2014 12:58

DF teaches post-grad. Students who don't bother turning up drive him nuts. It's disrespectful of the time and effort put in by the tutor and it means that the student then has to catch up, at a cost in time to both the tutor and the other students.

Quite apart from the money issue, missing a week of lectures and seminars is not on and if he wants this MA he will need to knuckle down and get on with it.

cherrybombxo · 14/10/2014 12:59

I'm happy to see your response and glad that you feel stronger. He's a 22 year old postgrad student, he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. I am 24 and I left home years ago, lived in flatshares, paid for everything myself and then moved 50 miles away from my family last year. I spent a couple of years with no savings and little money because I was spending it all on socialising and clothes/make up but I would never have then asked my mum for a hand out, I just made do with what I had. I made the choice to squander my money and I'd never expect anyone else to pick up the pieces!

Leeds2 · 14/10/2014 13:33

Don't give in, OP. And, if your DS does buy a single rail ticket, do NOT fund the return, or contribute to money for going out. He really does have to learn to manage his own money, and should be very grateful to you for paying his first month's rent. Most post grad students are not so lucky.

Chunderella · 14/10/2014 13:51

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ImperialBlether · 14/10/2014 14:01

My daughter's just finished her MA and bought very few new books - they're pretty easy to get hold of secondhand, aren't they?

I'd work out his fees for that week and tell him he's throwing that down the drain.

It's a birthday party. He's not 5. There will be more parties. If his friend wants to see him so much, surely he could go to see him?

Does he work while he's studying? I did my MA over two years while working full time and as a single mother with two teenage children, so don't have a lot of sympathy for him, I'm afraid!!

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 14:01

Well done OP for having the conversation!

He needs to get to grips with his own finances. If he wants to spend all his summer earnings then he needs to save for everything else. Books are expensive, but usually they aren't necessary to purchase, some are but not most, especially in London which is not short of libraries!! It's always best to ask before buying. I always had one really essential text and the others were optional.

He wouldn't get away with just the readings over the internet. Not for a MA. He sounds like he thinks his course is like his undergrad, it really really isn't, if he isn't careful he could end up with no MA at all, they are hard work and extensions are extremely rare.

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 14:06

I also would also recommend megabus or national express for transport, national express give a good student discount. Even if only takes him part way, he can then get a ticket from the closest places they serve to you when visiting. Trains are too expensive for the whole journey.

I love somewhere neither of them serve, but if I was to go to London could get more than three quarters of the way on megabus or national express and then either train or buses which are less expensive.

jeee · 14/10/2014 14:06

In addition to not funding an unnecessary trip, I don't understand why you've researched his tickets for him. He's an adult, and so it should be up to him to find the best price on tickets - which he will do, if he knows that you're not just paying for the tickets for him.

Oh, and National Express buses can be a cheap option.... but make sure that he's the one finding out about them.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 14/10/2014 14:11

Has he tried Megabus?

That often has dirt cheap fares, especially if you travel in the night or unusual times.

You are doing the right thing though, how can you pay for this when you are struggling to make ends meet? You can only give what you have, and you have nothing left!

Also, the fact that he didn't work at uni makes me highly suspicious, many of my students have jobs, or internships etc. as well as doing very well. I think he's probably had it slightly too easy for a while. I don't blame you for this, but postgrad is surely the time to start him really standing on his own two feet.

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 14:21

I didn't work at uni at undergrad because it wasn't allowed on my course. We were specifically told not to take part time jobs. Nor did I work at postgrad as I simply couldn't have done so and completed the course I was doing. The departments stance is still to say no to students who are full time doing part time work, because the courses are so intensive - though of course it depends on the department and workload. Obviously being part time and working is different.

I did self fund both via various means including loans, hardship grants and other grants. I didn't get anything from my parents for studying. It was really really hard financially and socially but i definitely learnt to budget!!

Becca19962014 · 14/10/2014 14:23

I'm just making the point that not every department will allow students to have part time jobs, I meant to preview that not post! Blush

MintyCoolMojito · 14/10/2014 16:49

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BikeRunSki · 14/10/2014 16:51

He's an adult. End of.

PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears · 14/10/2014 16:55

Your seeing the light, but I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is!

However, I'm 22, with a dh, and 2 dc, and a mortgage... Your ds needs to start respecting money and that will only happen when it's his money!!

mrsminiverscharlady · 14/10/2014 17:05

Honestly, you're doing him a favour in the long run. If you're always there to bank roll him, where's the incentive to go out and stand on his own feet? My sister, aged 32, has always relied on our parents to help her with her mortgage, pay for cars, money towards her holiday etc and not coincidentally has had a series of dead-end, poorly paid jobs despite being a clever girl and perfectly capable. They haven't done her any favours IMO.

Haffdonga · 14/10/2014 17:08

I guess not he's not manipulative but if you've always been provided with funds for leisure stuff you will just expect it. The only way to stop him expecting is to stop funding.

Simple rule in our house - we subsidise to the extent we can afford anything related to education or employment prospects. Jollies are funded by the participant. (Can't afford? Can't go.)

Chunderella · 14/10/2014 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.