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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my son a raise?..

37 replies

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 21:53

Evening all,

Had a meeting with parents this afternoon and it has transpired that DS's friend had lied about his whereabouts a few days back.

Back story.

DS and friend arrived at my door after school. DS's friend was welcomed as always and they got down to playing music, watching tv and just hanging out. Some time had passed so I asked DS's friend what time he had to be home and was told that he would be making his way shortly. I asked where said friend had to get to and was told about 10 miles away, so offered a lift back to parents house. Some more time had passed, so I reminded said friend about the time. Friend immediately jumped up and got ready, but in uneasy fashion which I noted. I dropped said friend off and returned home. No issue.

I got a call today from said friends 'other parents' (yes I know, an odd set up) asking to come over and have a chat about some things. When parents attended they informed me that said friend was supposed to have been at their home straight after school and that they had been going frantic about the whereabouts of said friend. I was unaware of this and was quite shocked. What made it even worse was that said friend had constructed a story about being help up at gunpoint by two men, running off to the nearest house (which was mine) and hiding out there until it was safe to return. Said friend returned home between 10-11pm. It was divulged that friend has serious problems, which have been ongoing for years. I was quite concerned as my DS is friends with this person.

This isnt the first time that I have been used as a alibi/scapegoat by DS's friends. There have been two other occasions on which different friends have tried to use me as a false alibi to their returning home late/not at all. Those friends are no longer welcome at my home as I cannot take another parent being angry with me through no fault of my own.

Given the seriousness of the situation, I have now banned any friends from attending my home on weekdays, regardless of whether or not their parents have been informed, with agreement from DS's father. Their friendship ends at the door.

DS played no part in the construction of the lie and doesnt give me any trouble at all in comparison. He comes home on time, does the housework, sometimes even without me asking for it to be done, he spends time with his younger sibling, he gets good grades, he attends church weekly of his own volition and respects his parents. Ok his room is a tad bit messy, but all in all is a good kid. We were considering a raise in his allowance and this situation has made me see DS in a different light.

So AIBU to give my son a raise as praise for his behaviour in general and in light of this situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 21:55

I should add that I dropped friend off at home at 8pm. Friend left that house and made their way back to other parents house, arriving between 10-11 pm, in a rough area.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 21:59

Why did the parents feel the need to have a meeting with you.

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:01

They wanted to let me know the score about their son. Their son is very troubled.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 12/10/2014 22:02

Did your ds know what was going on?

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 22:03

He sounds like he could use a friend. Why don't you want the friend to associate with yourds

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:04

Hakluyt he had no idea. As we were being told of the situation, we both sat their with our mouths open in shock. I questioned my son afterwards and he knew nothing at all. He even commented that it was such a wreckless thing to do.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 22:06

He wasn't going to admit to it though would he

Hakluyt · 12/10/2014 22:07

So if he had no idea, why is be being punished?

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:07

LEMningaround because of the seriousness of it all. He only told the truth as the police were about to be called by his other parents. I wont stop them from being friends, as that is not going to work. I would though in all honesty prefer if they werent friends.

OP posts:

TheBooMonster · 12/10/2014 22:08

are you certain your son doesn't know that his friend was out without permission and that he went back to the wrong parents home, I am assuming given that you didn't check with the boys parents (either set) that he's old enough to be out without their permission, and by that age I knew enough about my friends lives to know when something wasn't right, did he not know at all? That seems very strange / unlikely to me, knowing about the elaborate lie aside, I would not personally be so convinced that he was all that innocent.

LadyLuck10 · 12/10/2014 22:08

I don't blame you at all for not wanting him to associate with this friend. He sound all sorts of serious trouble.
I would question though why is your DS attracting these types of friends because it's not usual.

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:09

Hakluyt my son is not being punished. We have all agreed that it's best if we dont have friends over on weekdays. My son agrees with this as it's just getting ridiculous.

OP posts:

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:11

LadyLuck10 It's the school that he goes too. All sorts of odd situations happening there. There seems to be a trend. We moved just after secondary school selection and were given whatever place was available. We had no choice. I tried to change schools, but there are no spaces in the good schools.

OP posts:

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:12

TheBooMonster my son knew nothing. His reaction to the situation speaks volumes. It's not his style to collaborate in such a wreckless act.

OP posts:

Sunflowersareblue · 12/10/2014 22:14

This is the weirdest stealth boast ever. You want to give him a raise for being good? A raise?!! Is he paid to be your son then? How does that work? Yes, your son is the best.....odd....

TheFairyCaravan · 12/10/2014 22:16

I wouldn't be giving him a raise.

I wouldn't be believing he didn't know anything about what the friend was doing either.

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:17

Sunflowers no not a boast at all. I just wanted to gauge people's views on whether giving him a raise was appropriate. Rewarding a child for maintaining their behaviour is not a new convention.

OP posts:

Original poster

bammyandfish · 12/10/2014 22:22

TheFairy Can I borrow your crystal ball? It's surprising how you know my son from afar.

Jesus. No wonder your husbands left you all for the secretary. A bunch of miserable sods. All I asked for was advice and you miserable tit-hounds couldnt help yourselves.

Fookin hell. Have a kit-kat.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 22:25

He plays you well. I am not saying he isn't being manipulated by his friends but he is lying.

In your position i would be loathe to stop them coming to your house. At least you know where he is. The other boy may well appreciate a bit of stability.

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 22:26

Was the boys mother that whore, sharon???

skylark2 · 12/10/2014 22:30

Seems a bit bonkers - you're punishing your son by not letting him have friends over while at the same time rewarding him with money? Why don't you just say his friend can't come over after school unless his parents have cleared it with you first by phone, since you are already in phone contact?

Poofus · 12/10/2014 22:32

Er...what?

starlight1234 · 12/10/2014 22:40

not sure what strange comment about. I wouldn't. I would certainly though set up new rules for children that visit either need a text from parent or you need to text them.

I have no idea what you have been told about said child but it may also not be true. I could tell you a lot of stories my parents have said about you.. Yes I was troubled but due to their behaviour and somewhere to feel safe would of really helped me.

LuckyLopez · 12/10/2014 22:40

You use quite odd language in your OP.

Hakluyt · 12/10/2014 22:41

How bizarre!

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