To give my son a raise?..

[bammyandfish]

Evening all,

Had a meeting with parents this afternoon and it has transpired that DS's friend had lied about his whereabouts a few days back.

Back story.

DS and friend arrived at my door after school. DS's friend was welcomed as always and they got down to playing music, watching tv and just hanging out. Some time had passed so I asked DS's friend what time he had to be home and was told that he would be making his way shortly. I asked where said friend had to get to and was told about 10 miles away, so offered a lift back to parents house. Some more time had passed, so I reminded said friend about the time. Friend immediately jumped up and got ready, but in uneasy fashion which I noted. I dropped said friend off and returned home. No issue.

I got a call today from said friends 'other parents' (yes I know, an odd set up) asking to come over and have a chat about some things. When parents attended they informed me that said friend was supposed to have been at their home straight after school and that they had been going frantic about the whereabouts of said friend. I was unaware of this and was quite shocked. What made it even worse was that said friend had constructed a story about being help up at gunpoint by two men, running off to the nearest house (which was mine) and hiding out there until it was safe to return. Said friend returned home between 10-11pm. It was divulged that friend has serious problems, which have been ongoing for years. I was quite concerned as my DS is friends with this person.

This isnt the first time that I have been used as a alibi/scapegoat by DS's friends. There have been two other occasions on which different friends have tried to use me as a false alibi to their returning home late/not at all. Those friends are no longer welcome at my home as I cannot take another parent being angry with me through no fault of my own.

Given the seriousness of the situation, I have now banned any friends from attending my home on weekdays, regardless of whether or not their parents have been informed, with agreement from DS's father. Their friendship ends at the door.

DS played no part in the construction of the lie and doesnt give me any trouble at all in comparison. He comes home on time, does the housework, sometimes even without me asking for it to be done, he spends time with his younger sibling, he gets good grades, he attends church weekly of his own volition and respects his parents. Ok his room is a tad bit messy, but all in all is a good kid. We were considering a raise in his allowance and this situation has made me see DS in a different light.

So AIBU to give my son a raise as praise for his behaviour in general and in light of this situation?

I'll chime in. Under the assumption that your son didn't know, I second a PP's suggestion regarding wanting to be able to keep an eye on his friends by having them in your home. BUT it would be under the condition that upon arrival (or ahead of time) I would be able to speak to a parent and confirm that they are at my home and inquire as to when and how they should head for home.

As far as a 'raise' simply because he's a good kid, no. I'd give a raise for additional responsibilities but not for being/doing what he should be doing. I expected my sons to be 'good kids' because that is what they are supposed to be. I didn't want them to equate honesty, doing what is expected of you, and manners as something you should be paid for. As a rule, no one gets a raise at work just because they're a 'good person', they get a raise because of outstanding job performance and/or taking on of extra duties.

Why would you give him a raise for telling the truth? That's the baseline of expectation. It seems that what you're actually wanting to do is to praise him for not being like his friend. That's not a good precedent to set.

This is one of the oddest OPs I've read on here.

What age is your son? If this has happened a few times with different boys it sounds like you are assuming they are old enough to make their own arrangements, when in fact their parents expect to be informed. Why can't you allow weekday socialising, but make sure you're in touch with the parents so everyone knows where their children are? I found it strange that you gave this boy a lift home but didn't say hi to the parents or at least see him safely to the door.

On what basis do you feel your child needs a 'raise' (not a word I associate with pocket money or allowance, I thought the thread was going to be about a family business and an adult son!)? It sounds like because this other kid has been 'bad' (actually an unfair way to see it if he is so troubled) you feel extra appreciative of your 'good' kid - when in fact his behaviour during the event in question was at best neutral, not actually positively good, if you see what I mean. (I'm not suggesting he isn't good in general, I just can't see how the story here makes any difference?!).

If you don't mind me saying you also sound quite prejudiced against the school which doesn't meet your expectations and possibly the 'rough' area his friends live in etc. if there is no alternative whatsoever and he cannot move schools, the best thing to do would be to embrace it as it is (as your Ds seems to be doing), and allow him to make friends etc rather than pushing them away/distancing yourselves using the excuse of their 'troubled' natures/unusual family set-ups/rough area etc.

I get where you're coming from.

You have no obligation to have other people's children in your home when they bring you trouble beyond normal teenage dramas, and if your son agrees that it would be best for now for this friend not to come back after school, then all good.

I'm not sure I'd directly give an allowance raise in relation to this. Raise his allowance if you want, if you want him to be able to save more or if you want him to buy some of his own clothes or if you just think he needs more money to spend when he's out with friends, but keep it separate from the issue with this friend.

Maybe because of the time of year you could tell your son that you are proud of him for the various ways he's behaved recently, and they if he keeps it up you will increase his allowance in the new Year. The praise on specific things he's done will be more valuable than the money, and making him wait a not would give him more of a sense of reward than he'd get if you just give him extra money just for being himself.

bammy my husband hasn't left me for anyone, love. He's right here, at home cleaning the bathrooms.

Mine has just taken me to lunch.....

Mine's at work, as am I. Tonight he's promised me a massage :)

Oooh massage sounds nice!!

But the raise isn't for being good. It's for not being bad (being simplistic, it's not clear what the friends are going through or what the causes are). This is so weird. Why even compare him to this friend like that? If your DS actively does something worthy of a 'raise' then by all means give him one, but giving one just because you've realised some other kids have issues that your family luckily doesn't have to deal with, that's just... weird. If you want to use the employment metaphor, staff don't get raises because they fulfil their basic duties whilst others may come in late and take the piss.

You sound like a bit of a bitch. School not good enough, son's friends not good enough. Are you a bit of a snob?

I think it's perfectly natural to feel relief that your own children don't cause you the hassle that other children can cause their parents and there's nothing wrong with reviewing the pocket money situation every now and then along with any jobs he's expected to do in return. (I call it giving them a raise as well, slightly tongue in cheek but we do use the term!)
However I would genuinely question whether your DS knew about the friend making an excuse. It could have been that the lad had just said 'oh I'll make some excuse and come to yours' but not elaborated on exactly what it was, leaving out the exact details and therefore leaving your DS genuinely astounded with the talk of guns etc.
I have a teenage boy. I know plenty of them. All good hard working boys in the main but experts at lying by omission. It could be that your Son has indirectly learnt a valuable lesson from all this.

What exactly is a Tit Hound?

This is a tit hound