Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed he thought this?

36 replies

jammygem · 12/10/2014 21:12

I've been with my current DP for only 2 months. I'm on Cerelle but it seems to have failed and I found out on Tuesday that I'm pregnant. It's been a very difficult time, and we've decided that neither of us are in the position to raise a child at the moment. Please do not judge me on this, I'm having a hard enough time coming to terms with this as it is.

Obviously I've been quite emotional and stressed, so I don't know if I'm BU to be annoyed about this or not. I made a not very funny joke the other night about him causing enough trouble already, which he was very confused about. Turns out he thought the pregnancy was from before him. We had been seeing each other for only a month or so before we got together "officially", so I do appreciate it's all been very quick. But I have mentioned that I haven't slept with anyone else for 6 months or so prior to that. I don't know why his comment about "I thought this was from pre-me" upset me so much. Does he think I would sleep around with men without protection?

I'm fully prepared to be told I'm BU and this is all just the hormones kicking in, but I do feel upset by what he said.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 12/10/2014 21:15

Thought it was pre him or hoped?

I would be hurt and annoyed too, YANBU

WooWooOwl · 12/10/2014 21:17

Two months doesn't make a DP.

It's hard to know if you're being unreasonable about what he said without hearing the whole conversation in the context in which it happened.

Why would he think you are sleeping with people without contraception if he knows your on the pill?

Does he know how many weeks pregnant you are?

It all sounds odd.

Original poster

jammygem · 12/10/2014 21:17

A bit of both I should imagine. He's been very stressed out recently with other things, and I apologised for not making it clearer it was his as I'd assumed he'd know, and told him I hope it hadn't made him more stressed. He admitted it did, but was glad I told him.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 12/10/2014 21:18

Erm! you slept with him without protection. I appreciate you are on the mini pill but you both left yourselves wide open to issues.

IndiaKnightGarden · 12/10/2014 21:18

Oh gosh. Sorry you're going through this.

I don't really know what to say.

I guess what with it all happening so fast, it's not entirely unreasonable for him to wonder whether it was 'pre-him'. But it sounds like you haven't really talked about this properly. Lots of assumptions on both sides.

How did you tell him you were pregnant? How did he react when you told him?

LeftRightCentre · 12/10/2014 21:19

You don't even know this man after two months.

Original poster

jammygem · 12/10/2014 21:20

WooWooOwl

Boyfriend, sorry.

I have no idea why he thought that, it adds to me being annoyed.

I'm not sure how many weeks I am myself yet, although know it is less than 5.

OP posts:

puntasticusername · 12/10/2014 21:24

You're both in a very difficult place at the moment so it's no surprise that a) you're not always having the clearest, least ambiguous conversations possible, b) you're both at increased risk of failing to perfectly comprehend said conversations and thus misunderstanding each other, and c) you are likely to be hypersensitive to such misunderstandings.

All of which is a long way of saying that in your shoes, I think this seems like an understandable piece of WTF and I would try not to worry too much about it unless there is anything else substantive about him that gives you cause for concern?

Original poster

jammygem · 12/10/2014 21:24

We have been close friends for nearly 3 years now, only recently has it developed into an actual relationship.

I had planned to keep it quiet until I knew for certain, but he knew something was wrong. After sitting with me for quite a while reassuring me, I told him that I had felt different recently, done a couple of tests, and they were positive. He was very quiet, but supportive, and told me that whatever I wanted to do, he'd support me and be with me. Looking back, I guess I didn't make it that clear that it was definitely his.

OP posts:

MrsPiggie · 12/10/2014 21:26

I can't see why you would be upset by what he said? You got pregnant with him whilst on the pill, you could have got pregnant by someone else whilst on the pill. Really, it was so soon after you began your relationship that it's quite conceivable it was from before him. Sorry for the hard time you are having

WooWooOwl · 12/10/2014 21:27

It sounds like miscommunication. You might be focussing on something small because it's easier to get your head around than the reality of the situation you are in.

Try not to get bogged down in minor details, it will just increase tension.

IndiaKnightGarden · 12/10/2014 21:28

Maybe he was a bit clumsy in the way he said it, but I think it was a fair enough comment given the unique circumstances.

Don't give him or yourself too much of a hard time.

Goldmandra · 12/10/2014 21:31

Do you need to have the conversation about whether to continue the pregnancy again in the light of this new understanding? It is possible that he may feel differently now he knows that the child is his.

DraggingDownDownDown · 12/10/2014 21:34

Now he knows it is his, does that change how he has been with you? Does he now want you to keep the pregnancy?

DraggingDownDownDown · 12/10/2014 21:34

X post!!

Original poster

jammygem · 12/10/2014 21:34

Goldmandra
I have asked him whether this changes his stance on what to do, and he has assured me it doesn't, but says he does understand better now why it's such a difficult decision to make.

OP posts:

avocadotoast · 12/10/2014 21:38

I don't think either of you are in the wrong tbh.

You're certainly not being unreasonable by being upset (I think I would be too). But then it is a lot to deal with, and he's probably finding it difficult too (and maybe, I don't know, thought it'd be easier to deal with if it wasn't his).

to you anyway, and wishing you the best in getting through this.

MajesticWhine · 12/10/2014 21:42

YANBU at all - I can see why you're annoyed. I think perhaps he might have assumed it wasn't him out of being naive and perhaps afraid of having to take any responsibility. Sorry, it's a tough one. Be kind to yourself.

PiperIsOrange · 12/10/2014 21:48

If you are around 5 weeks, it would mean you had unprotected sex only 3 weeks into the relationship. It's quite possible to think it's may be somebody else's.

Good luck in what you decide, I bet your head is all over the place atm.

Original poster

jammygem · 12/10/2014 22:01

I know it's very early on and I've been incredibly stupid. In my defence, my previous partner (who I was with for 4 years) and I relied solely on the pill too, and never had so much as a scare.

It's really tough for him, I know that. I'm just glad he's been sweet and good enough to stick with me.

I can't believe I've been so stupid and I can't believe I've let such a silly misunderstanding wind me up so much.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/10/2014 01:08

Why does being on the pill = unprotected sex?

It means condomless sex, not unprotected surely?!

SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 13/10/2014 01:43

'Does he think that I would sleep with men without protection'

You're doing it with him after 3 weeks or so so he has every right to think that you would have done the same with another man. YABU.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2014 02:08

skinny she is on the pill! What part of that is "unprotected"? And he was sleeping with her on the assumption that she was on the pill, he must have been otherwise he would have put a condom on, infact if he didnt want a baby then he should have put one on anyway. Belt and braces.

OrangeFluff · 13/10/2014 02:23

bogey I think they meant protection from STDs.

sykadelic · 13/10/2014 03:26

Honestly I don't think you're BU to be upset because it definitely implies he doesn't really think much of you by assuming it HAD to be someone else's. I can't really think of any guy I know NOT asking "Is it X's?" or something.

Flip

1 2