To not help my mum out.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I asked to borrow money because DH messed up the tax credits renewal and she said no. Ok that's fine she said she isn't doing me any favours by helping. Whenever I ask her to look after my dc because I am busy she says no. If she does look after them I usually get a phonecall within two hours telling me to get home because she can't handle them anymore.

Well she forgets that since I was 15 I have looked after my sister for her to work. I have done this regardless as to whether it interferes with my plans. Whether I am ill. Or whether I have just given birth.

So Aibu to think that as she thinks I need to learn to stop relying on her for the meagre amount of help she gives then she needs to lead by example and look after her own daughter. My DH also does all her diy free of charge.

The only problem is I will miss my sister terribly so am I biting off my own nose disputed my face. Or should she learn that you only get what you are willing to give.

I look after my sister daily taking and picking up from school. I look after her when she is ill. Have stayed in hospital overnight with her many times (she is a self harmer) and she sleeps over mine every Saturday and Sunday night for my mum to work. I do all this free of charge disputed the fact I have bipolar 1 and a severely disabled dd.

Sounds to me that there are all manner of very serious issues within your family.

Do you have support elswhere, with friends or counsellors or SS?

It's very hard to advise because I imagine there is a huge, sad back story to all of this.

Are you sure you want your mother involved with your child given her (seemingly) level of neglect?

Hope you are ok

The thing is it won't just affect you, it will affect your sister too, and she's not done anything.

I agree there are a lot of issues too complicated to really give a solution. I think from your sister's point of view it would be a shame to withdraw your help as she relies on you. But your Mum should step up to the mark and help you out when you need her help if you give her support.

Back are you suggesting that children self harm because they have neglectful parents?

Thanks yes I want to continue to help and see my sister. I don't have any other support at all. I don't know why my mam has suddenly decided this. But your right I don't want my sister to suffer and she does prefer me to be present at all CAHMS psychologist and hospital stays. She won't let my mother be present.

I guess I have to suck it up. Thank you.

I think you need to separate out the two issues.

Presumably you provide support to your sister because she needs it, and because she's not getting this from your mum. It would be sad to withdraw her support to punish your mum.

I think you need to stop relying on your mum completely. In an ideal world she'd be the perfect grandma, but evidently it's not and she's not, and you'll just have to deal with it.

It's sounds hard

How old is your sister? Without knowing the whole story it's hard to reply, but I think your mom needs to find a "real" babysitter for her, not just expect you to do it.

I think I would see it as helping my sister rather than my Mum.
My Mum did awful things to me, but I cared for my siblings for them, despite of her, not for her IYSWIM.

SoonToBeSix, I didn't read that from backbystealth's comment at all. Just that she leaves so much of the care of her younger daughter to her older daughter that it could be construed as neglect.

Soontobesix - no I wasn't thinking of that at all , I was offering a hand to someone whose family has issues and who feels their mother isn't there for them or for their sister hence 'neglect'. FFS talk about offending where absolutely no offence was meant. But as an aside yes of course many many people self harm because they have shit parents!

Thanks WhereYouLeftit, sometimes you just think why do I bother?

Thanks all your right I will continue to support my dsis who is 13. We are amazingly close even though we have a large age gap.

OP, you obviously love your sister, so I'm sure you can separate supporting her from doing anything for your mother. But DIY? I think your DH should knock that on the head. She can either do it herself (the clue is in the name ), or get someone in and pay them. I'm sure your Dh is far too busy to fit it in.

It sounds like your sister really needs you. I should think it would be possible to continue supporting her whilst cooling things with your mother.

I have a 12 year old daughter who has self-harmed before. There can be many reasons for it and it is usually a cry for help. In my daughter's case it was school bullying that she had covered up and told no-one about. She always appeared all normal and happy, but it turned out she is a great little actress. In your sister's case I guess it could be many things, but to the poster who seemed to question whether or not neglectful parenting could be a reason I would say why on earth not? She would be aware of it, for sure.

Good luck anyway.

I know why my sister self harms she has told me and I have informed police. Her father was sexually abusing her when she visited him. She sh because of a mixture of emotions guilt at turning him in, anger for what he did and she misses him.

You are doing a really good job supporting your sister. It will be the right thing to continue regardless of your Mum. Though she sounds a real pain!

Your Mum I mean.

Sounds like you are the one being the mum to your sister, not her. I would certainly voice my opinion but I would never rely on her at all.

It sounds like there isn't a lot of mutual give-and-take in your relationship- you seem to support her, but she doesn't seem to do very much reciprocating. You could try and scale back what you do- although, as others have said it may impact your sister, who has done nothing wrong. And you've said you'll miss your sister too.

Firstly, maybe your DH could stop doing her DIY- that wouldn't effect your sister. Maybe you could cut back on the amount of care you do for your sister at the weekend- or ask for a contribution towards your costs?

Thanks all I do feel like a mum to dsis as I used to look after her at age 15 3 nights a week while my mum worked and through the day while my mum slept. She was 2 at that time. I had to grow up quick because my mother neglected me and left me to care for my drug addict father. At 15 I said if she didn't leave my dad I was calling social services. Since then I have been like a mum to dsis.

I was speaking in anger earlier I don't have it in me to abandon my dsis when she needs me. All her friends think I am her mother and that we are lying to her and that's why I look after her so much.

I love her like she is my own and I won't abandon her.

But I think the diy will stop.

I don't know if you are in a position to, but could you apply for a residency order to official have your sister full time.

I can't have my sister full time she recently moved in with me (after a major argument with my mam) but apperently (I only have my mothers word for this) social services said either she goes home or into care.

Yes knock the DIY. on the head. I think it's wonderful that you have such a close bond with your sister. You are very lucky to have. each other. My sister is all grown up and a GMGm now but we are still very close partly due to how difficult life was in our childhood. It makes for a very strong bond ime.
Have some and try not to feel hurt by your Mum, she sounds a bit selfish ungrateful and hard work