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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU. Just don't feel that we are enough for DP

55 replies

NamesNick · 12/10/2014 15:36

We are a merged family of 6. My dd and dps 3 boys. We have shared custody of the three boys which is one week on one week off.
So today the boys have gone back to their mothers and dp as always has come back in a bit of a bad mood.
This is understandable because we would prefer us all to live together full time.
However this is how its been since we met and subsequently moved in together.
when dp comes home after dropping them off he goes upstairs and kind of wallows a little. I know he misses them as I do, the house seems quiet and empty without them but I feel that somehow dd and I are just not enough, of course this is bound to be the case but it makes me feel a little upset and as if dp is just 'stuck with us' until the boys come back.
I was upstairs with dp for a bit and he wasn't talking, just watching rubbish on tv so I got up to come downstairs and when dp asked where I was going I said "I feel useless when you're like this so im leaving you to it and gonna go spend time with dd" (during this dd was downstairs tuned in to sleeping beauty)
he feels I am making him feel guilty for missing the boys. Am I?
it is reasonable for him to feel sad but as we cannot change the situation then I don't understand why every other sunday has to be him wallowing in misery.
Every other week our family is reduced by 50% but it is what it is...

I've posted in this topic because I feel guilty for feeling this way and need a bit of a rollicking.

Mumsnet always brings great perspective. .I need this directed at me please

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 12/10/2014 15:52

I think he's a father. I think it's natural that he misses his kids. Even if that happens every 2nd Sunday. Allow him his space to wallow for those few hours. Plan to do something with your dd.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 15:59

wheeler. yes that's a good idea. he does need his space.
im being completely selfish aren't I?

OP posts:
PiperIsOrange · 12/10/2014 16:02

Does your DD have any access to her father.

desperatedoll · 12/10/2014 16:05

You are being rather selfish. It's nothing to do with how he feels about you. He's missing his other kids and he's justified in being wallowy every time.

If you are serious about him you really should be more supportive. You don't mention your circumstances around dd? Do you have full custody of her? Would you not feel upset if you had to leave her somewhere else for a week every other week.
You can't change it or make it better. It will always hurt him because he will always miss them. It's not because he's stuck with you two it's because his family is incomplete for a week again.
He needs your support

wheresthelight · 12/10/2014 16:15

ask for this to be moved to the stepparenting board op aibu tends to nit have a great reputation for empathy with step families unfortunately.

for what it is worth I do understand how you feel, yes you are being a tad selfish because as has been said above his behaviour is not about his feelings for you but mourning the loss of his kids for another week. part of me says depending on how long the situation has been like this then he should have got over it but then part of me says he probably finds it really hard when your dd lives with you both full time (am making assumption from your Op).

my dp always found it really hard when the kids went home and then it kind of settles down until we had dd and then for a while he felt guilty that she was With him ft when his older kids weren't.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:15

I have full custody of dd. she sees her dad every friday night.

he has just gone out anyway to watch footie with mates.

dd and I are going to the park

I do try to support him. but I suppose the best way to do this is not by distraction but just to let him be

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:17

I posted here because of the notoriety of the board.
takes no prisoners.
I know I am being selfish and unreasonable.
maybe I am also feeling the downside of the boys going back

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 12/10/2014 16:19

Just try and imagine having to hand your dd over to ex for a week. Thought of not seeing my boys for a week makes me feel ill

Nomama · 12/10/2014 16:20

NU. Nor is he.

You both have your own perspective, and if you feel that, for a few hours every other week, he makes you feel like you are just 'filling in' then you both need to work out how to avoid it.

It may be as simple as doing something with your dd. But be prepared for him to see that as you abandoning him / not understanding how he is feeling. He isn't likely to be very logical, I doubt anyone would be.

This may be how it is for the forseeable future. You must find a way to deal with your feelings, just as he has to find a way of dealing with his - maybe separately, maybe together, but he may always need a little space when he tales them back.

Good luck.

Purplepoodle · 12/10/2014 16:21

Could you come up with a plan for handover day? Perhaps you all go to the cinema after dropping boys off or even taking yourself and dd to something and leave dp to come to terms.

Laquitar · 12/10/2014 16:25

You dont sound to me selfish or unreasonable. It sounds very sad and i feel for you.
I am not saying that he is unreasonable either.

I dont have any suggestion OP but i just wanted to say that you dont sound selfish to me.
I mean everybody wants a happy house and a good atmosphere.

Seriouslyffs · 12/10/2014 16:29

Yanbu and neither is he.
Can you arrange anything for eo Sunday? Anything that the boys don't like?
It's not that you're not enough.

LineRunner · 12/10/2014 16:31

Have you told him that you miss the boys, too?

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:31

I know dp is not being unreasonable at all. its me!
I need to learn that it's not always about me.
they are his kids, a massive part of our family.
I know that the change in chaos status affects dd too...she seems to want her dad more in the quieter weeks tbf which is also upsetting.

I can't fix it. That's my problem

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:34

yes. I tell him I miss them too. we often discuss our ideal scenarios..I.e full time family etc etc

OP posts:
LineRunner · 12/10/2014 16:40

I think that sometimes talking about the ideal is not as helpful as talking about making the best of the here and now.

I have been with my OH for sixteen months. We have an ideal ... but the here and now takes up all our energies tbh. Two homes, six teenagers, so many trajectories and emotions. Love, eh? Smile

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:44

love indeed!!
here and now is definitely good advice, I will bear that in mind.

OP posts:
textingdisaster · 12/10/2014 16:46

But being with your dp's sons full time would mean they didn't see their Mum. How is that a good thing Confused. The thought of any future partner of h's hankering after being with my children all of the time is making me feel Hmm.

Maybe not the point but back to the main point, as long as your own personal relationship with your dp feels like a good one generally, I would take it as read that he is happy with you and, as others have said, maybe plan something distracting for changeover day - whether it's for you and your dd or for all three of you.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:57

oh texting, it would be awful for the boys not to see their mum of course it would.
dp and I just muse over how our lives would be. harmless really and im not hankering after stealing anyone's children away from their very good and loving mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 16:58

dp knows he could never have them ft. but it doesn't stop him from preferring ft to week on week off

OP posts:
clam · 12/10/2014 17:11

I think it's understandable that he feels as he does, and that you feel a bit helpless. Let him wallow though. He'll 'come back to you' sooner than if you give him a hard time about it.

Try not to think about it as you and dd 'not being enough for him.' Presumably he'd feel even more lonely and fed up if he didn't have you two?

Newdawnforever · 12/10/2014 18:22

I think one week one week off sounds horribly unsettling for the kids tbh, it would probably be better for them to live full time with their mother and see him at weekends or for an hour every evening if you live close to one another. There's no real routine for anybody in a half and half custody.

Personally I'd be very creeped out at the idea of any woman who fantasises about having my kid all to herself and ex. Bizarre.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 18:32

your suggestion that I am fantasising about having another womans children is unsettling tbh.
for the record I do not fantasis about stealing her children. I simply support dp and agree that it would be lovely to have them full time. we know this would never happen.

also fwiw dp left his marriage due to finding out she was having an affair. ..they are now engaged and living together.
it was never up cor discussion that dp or his ex wife would be weekend parents. so they have shared custody.
everything split down the middle.
this has been the way for such a long time that the boys dont know anything different tbh and are amazing the way they cope with it.
I think they are lucky to have parents who care and want to be with them so much
as opposed to dds father who I had to fight with to see her

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 18:35

Awww. When I was seeing someone with kids when DS wasn't there I missed DS horribly and felt terribly guilty for doing fun things with other children and not him.

It was ridiculous, but I just couldn't do it.

Maybe look after him a bit or let him get into the routine of going out with his mates to take his mind off things when he drops them off?

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 18:39

I don't think week on week off would be unsettling if that's what they're always used to and that's what they enjoy.

That said their mum is a better woman than me. I don't think in could cope with a week without DS. Sometimes his dad takes him away for long weekends and I spend the entire time utterly miserable with DP trying to cheer me up.

DP alone is not enough for me. Not when I love my little boy more than the world. Nothing could replace him.

That said nothing could replace DP either. I miss him when he's away as well, but I can text him, I can't text DS

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