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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU. Just don't feel that we are enough for DP

55 replies

NamesNick · 12/10/2014 15:36

We are a merged family of 6. My dd and dps 3 boys. We have shared custody of the three boys which is one week on one week off.
So today the boys have gone back to their mothers and dp as always has come back in a bit of a bad mood.
This is understandable because we would prefer us all to live together full time.
However this is how its been since we met and subsequently moved in together.
when dp comes home after dropping them off he goes upstairs and kind of wallows a little. I know he misses them as I do, the house seems quiet and empty without them but I feel that somehow dd and I are just not enough, of course this is bound to be the case but it makes me feel a little upset and as if dp is just 'stuck with us' until the boys come back.
I was upstairs with dp for a bit and he wasn't talking, just watching rubbish on tv so I got up to come downstairs and when dp asked where I was going I said "I feel useless when you're like this so im leaving you to it and gonna go spend time with dd" (during this dd was downstairs tuned in to sleeping beauty)
he feels I am making him feel guilty for missing the boys. Am I?
it is reasonable for him to feel sad but as we cannot change the situation then I don't understand why every other sunday has to be him wallowing in misery.
Every other week our family is reduced by 50% but it is what it is...

I've posted in this topic because I feel guilty for feeling this way and need a bit of a rollicking.

Mumsnet always brings great perspective. .I need this directed at me please

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 12/10/2014 19:01

People work away often these days, so must spend days/weeks away from their DCs, wallowing in misery seems a bit ott to me.

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 19:01

Week on week off can work well but how old are they? Around 13+ children can choose. As they get older they may choose all their time with mother or all their time with depends which live in lover of their parents they dislike the most I suppose.

TooMuchCantBreath · 12/10/2014 19:14

Neither of you are bu. He needs to grieve a little and you need to feel you and dd are special to him. Both are valid reactions. Fwiw I doubt very much that he sees you as not enough, he'd just prefer to have his cake and eat it if he could i.e. have you both and his dc. Of course he's sensible enough to know his dc need their mum too.

Seperated/Blended families are tough for everyone sometimes, the only thing I can suggest is that you try your best not to take it personally because it isn't. Of course that's easier said than done!

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 19:16

dc are 3, 5, 7

live in lover? haha. yes I suppose that's what I am...

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 19:16

also meant to post a Hmm

I don't think I am live in lover at all

OP posts:
redexpat · 12/10/2014 19:20

I dont think either of you is u. Does he wallow for the same amount of time every time? Id be inclined to have one on one time with dd and try to do something at this point every 2 weeks. Or plan something for the 3 of you to distract him.

Hes not doing it intentionally, does he seem genuinley sorry now that youve tild gim how it makes you feel?

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 19:34

not sure redexpat he hasn't come home yet. and have not heard from him.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 12/10/2014 19:43

May I ask, does he act as their primary carer when they are with you?

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 20:05

linerunner what a good and interesting question.

in terms of getting them up dressed fed and out to school yes he does. also bath, homework and bedtime.
I am the organised one in terms of childcare, birthday parties. I do all the cooking cleaning washing ironing keep the finances (at his request)cleaning. they come to me to ask for drinks etc

I do think he is very hands on sometimes a bit helicopter. he is a great dad.

perhaps now that ive typed that out I think I know what my problem is.

he is completely hands off on his weeks off...treats the place a bit like a bnb if that makes sense.

motivation. thats it. he has no motivation at all when boys not here so I feel more like the carer than the spouse. does that make sense?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 12/10/2014 20:16

Ah, interesting. Sounds like MN is helping you get to the nub of the problem. Hope you get it sorted so you are both content.

P.s i love MN

LineRunner · 12/10/2014 20:24

OP, I am so glad that you didn't mind me asking that question. I think your reply is very honest and will help you work things out in your head.

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 20:29

Ahh see, DP is very hands on with DS. Obviously not bathing and nappy changing and medicine giving as that's my role, but he takes us out, drives to school, disciplines, plays etc.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 20:40

I do most of the disciplining tbh. But thats not to say he doesn't discipline at all. It just takes him longer to get there iyswim.

thats why the live in lover comment struck a bit of a nerve because perhaps when dc are older thwy will not want to live with me because of my house rules. .although it would be unfair on dd to only have rules for her and not for the boys.
he does take great interest in dds development with SALT and does discipline her too. but all that is done from his position on the couch...

OP posts:
Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 20:42

having said all that he is definitely more playtime than I am.

we seem to have settled into specific roles.

my problem is the inconsistency it makes me nervous.

see another "nub" of the problem. oooh you are good MN Grin

OP posts:
Oldraver · 12/10/2014 20:49

You sound like a live in housekeeper, does it feel like it to you ?

MexicanSpringtime · 12/10/2014 20:49

Call me a heartless bitch, but when my dd was away I enjoyed myself, knowing that she was enjoying herself where she was too.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 20:55

yes perhaps that's it.
he is here because I'm convenient.
somewhere for him and dc to live, to cook clean and housemaid for them all.

dont get me wrong and I know I could be flamed for this but I dont mind that at all..im a bit of a control freak and I enjoy being the glue so to speak.

but if im honest anyone could do that job for them.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 12/10/2014 20:58

Well, you can only be 'playtime' if someone else is doing all the drudgery.

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 20:59

mexican. I am a bit like you tbh. I look forward to my child free Fridays. I make sure I go out and party. knowing dd is with her dad and is safe is enough for me.
but I have never spent more than 2 nights away from her

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 21:02

Ahh, DP does most of it from the couch as well Grin

But he does have his role in the house. Fixing things mostly. Occasionally staying up with DS so I can sleep and supporting me emotionally (being annoying and making me laugh/ want to punch him when I want to cry but it works for us)

He doesn't even live here (works away)

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 21:03

I do hate my child free days though, but then I've never been very good at sharing...

LineRunner · 12/10/2014 21:19

Did he move in with you, rather than you finding a house together?

Original poster
NamesNick · 12/10/2014 21:25

he moved in here. we talked about getting a place together but I was adamant I kept my place even if it is only private rent.

OP posts:
MarmiteMania · 12/10/2014 21:33

I understand EXACTLY how you feel, however unreasonable it is- as I felt exactly the same in your situation. Whilst I completely understood how much dh missed his kids, what i found unacceptable was the way he took a back seat as soon as his kids went home, spending all his time in the gym etc- felt to me like just wasn't worth his while being in for me & my kids; and that hurt.

What seemed to help was me expressing to dh that I so very much understood him missing them.. but that I also expected him (perhaps after a bit of time to himself) to make the same effort with me and my dcs. Now they are older and increasingly all have their own lives, it's less of an issue.

moaningminnie2 · 13/10/2014 16:33

You keep saying you miss the boys too.But it is not the same thing at all.

How ever much he loves you, when you start a relationship with a man who already has kids, you have to accept they are always going to be the priority.