to tell this child to stop?

[AnonymousBird]

Children in a playground, mine included. Girl, unknown to me, attempting to kick my child, makes some contact, not too severe, but clear intent to kick to hurt if she can. No obvious supervising adult. I tell kid not to do it again. She lies, says it wasn't her, but I know what I saw! We are talking children of 8-9 years old I suspect.

Was I wrong to tell her to stop? I didn't touch the child, stayed about 8 feet away. She had a friend with her who admitted the girl had done it.

I then walked away, no further involvement. Over in a matter of seconds. Withdrew my children to a different area at same venue.

Much later on, an adult who is now present with her tells me the child is traumatised. I tell him that she shouldn't be kicking and trying to hit my child with a ball.

Elephant yes 99% of the time its the parents fault for allowing the behaviour :( the same mum i had a run if with before when her other son punched my dts1 in the tummy he was just a toddler running around with his older brother she wasnt watching her kids but got right mouthy when my ds pulled her son off my toddler as i was going over sad as its not the kids fault both her kids all though infant & juniors were 'those'kids that other parents complain about

I approached her and said, you've been trying to hurt my child, she said no i haven't (her friend then said actually it was her). I then said "I know who I believe and don't do it again". Those were my exact words. And I walked away right then

I'd be cross if I saw an adult approach my ds and say 'you've been trying to hurt my child'. What a downright weird thing to say to a kid.

Why not just approach and say 'I just saw you kick dd, can you stop please because it may cause an accident'.

'You've been trying to hurt my child' implies that the kicker is nasty, horrible etc...when (although she was in the wrong for kicking out) that may not be the case. I can imagine that a 9 year old may be upset/mortified at having that 'type' of accusation, worded in that way.

If you actually did see it, the 'believe' comment is also very odd...to use the word 'believe' I suspect that you didn't see it at all and went off the word of your own dd...who may have been mistaken/lying.

So...it's a YABU from me.

I think it is nasty for a 10 year old to intentionally kick a smaller child

Why is it weird vermillion? No it's not! She was trying to hurt op child, she has a choice not to do so!

YANBU it is a sad indictment of how some people choose to parent. Many years ago we use to holiday with another family in L**g on a very compact beach we sat day after day on the little beach next to the same holiday makers. On the third day friends DS aged 3 smacked my DD, 5, over the head with a child's metal spade because she wouldn't give up the shell she had just found?!? This was not unusual behaviour for this child, and myself and DH used bite are tongue as friend would try and brush off/excuse behaviour due to age of DS. On this particular occasion there was a chorus of gasps and tuts and a very loud "FFS get a grip of that child!" As usual friend did nothing other than to try and placate DS!!
It was the last holiday we went on together and soon after we stopped spending any time together, DH and I realised they would not be changing their parenting style and felt it was not appropriate for DC to have to put with the fall out.

YANBU - it boils my piss when parents say they are only 2, 3, 4 etc. I don't care how old they are - they need to be told not to be violent to others. Its your job as a parent to tell them right from wrong. And kicking/hitting needs to be checked straight away. Man up - parent your child and don't leave others to do it for you.

Did you actually see the child kicking and are you sure it wasn't misinterpreted?

YANBU, its normal to (politely and without shouting unless trying to stop violence actually in progress of course) tell off other children, as it is normal to act to keep other kids safe if necessary.

Clap I agree - 2, or 18 months even, if even a tiny child is trying to wrestle a possession like a scooter out of your child's hands of course you are right to gently but firmly tell them to stop - did the other mother think that older children are obliged to give their stuff to toddlers if the toddler grabs for it? Strange alternative universe! Age is relevant only to the word choice (and in your case words sound fine to use to toddlers), not the fact of telling him to stop.

Idefix a child once hit my (then 4 year old) DD over the head with one of those metal spades - luckily she has a younger brother (then 2 but very solid - at least 15kg) who, in the split second it took me to react, had already launched himself onto the offender's head, shouting not to hurt his sister! Of course we can't encourage violence, but in that case I was a bit proud

Traumatised?? What a load of tosh!

You where right to tell her to stop, I would be glad of someone telling my DD to stop if she was doing this.

Why not just approach and say 'I just saw you kick dd, can you stop please because it may cause an accident'

Accident? Kicking is a deliberate act to hurt someone confused

I was thinking along the lines of...if it happened on top of a climbing frame for instance, or as the child was running past so may have tripped iyswim.

The reason I think it's weird is just because of the language used. 'You're trying to hurt my child' is just so...aggressive and accusatory towards a 9 year old, even if you did see the 9 year old kick out on purpose. It implies real intent to harm, wheras most cases I see of kids hitting/pushing/kicking as a one off are more thoughtless acts.

To me, it seems like a very OTT thing to say. I also can't see where the op has said the age of her child? So we don't know they're younger at all.

after a few seconds so she contented herself with scooping up her small thug and retreating

THIS is what I hate about these threads. This is in response to a 6 year old throwing cushions and jumping around. Yes, he shouldn't have been in the toddler area and if the parents allowed him to be they were bu.

But to call a 6 year old a thug? To the pp who posted that ^^ YAB Very Very U.

Why not just approach and say 'I just saw you kick dd, can you stop please because it may cause an accident'

First, because an adult does not ask a child to stop kicking their DC - they tell them to stop it. Firmly. The above is a wishy-washy request, making it optional for the kicking child and likely to be totally ineffective. For an 8 year old I'd be saying "stop that right now" (just like the OP) letting the child know exactly what was required.

And second, because saying "it may lead to an accident" is again denying that the child is kicking on purpose.

The above is a wishy-washy request

A nine year old is not going to pick apart the specific language you use like happens on mumsnet

Tone says far more than your actual words - so whether it's a wishy washy request comes down to the person saying it IMO.

If you're of the 'Oh darling please do stop headbutting mummy, it's not very nice sweetie' brigade then yes, I can see it would be wishy washy when said.

You seem to have you forgotten that you picked apart the OPs words to this child, describing her language as "downright weird". So you really don't have much room to criticise.

One child determinedly kicking another will recognise a request of "can you please" is very different from an imperative sentence: "Stop that. Now". The latter also has the benefit of being short and to the point. And it doesn't seek to disguise the fact the child is behaving very badly.

I didn't pick apart anything...I gave my opinion on the language she used, which she stated was word for word.

To approach a child and say (verbatim) 'You are trying to hurt my child' IS weird IMO.

Yes I told so me older kids off for throwing balls at,ds2 in butlins this year D's is autistic they weren't to know that but he was happily doing his own thing and they started for no reason i also told some other kids off for bullying D's 1 at Haven afew/years ago they were not letting him out and pulling him around I told them to
Leave him alone he thinks everybody's his friend so sometimes doesn't see that kids are not being nice!

Lol MrTumblesBarvarianFanBase how I used to wish that DC would do just that but had done such a blooming good job that they used just sit and take it ??
But now realise that the rest of the beach probably thought we were idiots for just taking it day after day??
Now my DC are older they have toughened up and will stand their ground if required.

I saw the kicking attempts, mostly missed fortunately, but she was so obviously setting out to hurt/cause upset. It's just good fortune that my daughter wasn't hurt in her legs.

I didn't say "you are trying to hurt my child". I said "you've been trying to hurt my child" if we are being precise. A totally normal non-weird thing to say in either case anyway!

I will explain why I said "believe". This was because I was outside the play area in question, quite a few children in there. I saw it happen the first time, and just thought/assumed some kind of game, then realised she was trying to properly kick. There WAS real intent to harm, the aggression and pursuit of my daughter as she tried to move away was abundantly clear.

There were several children in the same area and I didn't see the child's face from my angle, but I saw the colour of her top so when my daughter withdrew, she pointed her out just to confirm what I thought I had seen. I then approached the child, now with her friend away from the general group of children. The friend almost immediately confirmed that I had the right child out of the group (which I did already know but it was useful to have the confirmation). So when she denied it, and said it wasn't me, I simply said that I knew it was her, I'd seen it, and her friend and my daughter had both said it so I then just said "I know who I believe" as a direct response to her lie.

My daughter's age is irrelevant, deliberately trying to kick someone and throw a ball at them hard from close quarters is totally unacceptable behaviour (I will admit I didn't see the ball throwing, that had apparently happened just before when I was there, but not in my line of sight, but again the friend confirmed this too).

I was not in the slightest wishy washy by the way. Few words were said, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't get close to her, but absolutely not wishy washy!

YANBU - more adults should wade in if necessary. 'It takes a village............'

The parent is probably part of the reason the child kicks. If my son kicked someone and the parent of that child told him off, I would tell him good on that parent. He was being naughty and he was told to stop. How can a child be "traumatised" by being told off? That is ludicrous.

"How can a child be "traumatised" by being told off? That is ludicrous"

It depends how it is done. If the child is ridiculed, belittled or humiliated it is bound to be upsetting, and I would strongly object to this.
I would be very grateful if someone intervened in the normal "Stop it! That will hurt him" kind of way though.

From what OP has said she has not humiliated or belittled the other child in any way.
This reminds me of a kid I grew up with. He was older than me and a nasty piece of work. Killing animals and leaving their corpses on our front step. Beating me up. Horrible little git.
The problem was his mother. If any of us looked at him the wrong way she called the police on us. Even though we were all under 10 (he wasn't).
She basically thought the sun shone out of his backside and ignored angry parents going round to her house claiming he had beaten the crap out of their younger kids.
One day he got bored with picking on younger kids and kicked the crap out of his own mum.
Last I heard he was in prison for GBH with intent. Apparently someone spoke to his girlfriend in a pub so he fractured their skull with one of those big glass ashtrays