Hi all,
I was talking to one of the in laws today. I am currently pregnant, on maternity leave from work, as well as a full time student, and due any day. We were discussing my plans for next year, when I'll go back to work, study etc. She said I was selfish, and I should have more time off so I can be a 'proper mummy'. I asked her to clarify, and she thinks that theres nothing wrong with my parenting, but thinks my kids should be my only focus. She then said she was a 'full time parent' and loves it, and its something I should think about.
All of her friends and most of her family stay at home after having kids, and I have never given it a second thought. I think Mums and Dads should do whatever is best for them, their kids and their circumstances. But I dont think returning to work or study makes them less of a parent.
I also think that just because someone works, it doesn't make them less than a full time parent. Every parent is a full time parent, full time worry, love, responsibility. I feel she was belittling me by describing herself as a full time mummy, and said I am one too NOW I'm on maternity leave.
Being hormonal I was a bit short with her, as I would normally ignore it. I said that my choices are based on what is best for my kids, and for me, and that I am entitled to feel like more than a Mum. I love my kids and my family, but feel that is not all of who I am, and whilst I can balance everything and keep my kids happy, why shouldn't I? I don't judge other Mums based on their occupations as being a parent is hard regardless, but don't feel she should be looking down her nose at me because I don't spend every waking moment with my kids. We spend lots of quality time together, I don't have money worries thanks to my part time salary, and I feel fulfilled by finishing my education. Their childminder is amazing, and is very good at arts and crafts, and teaches them skills, like drawing etc I don't have. We have become firm friends over the years and she will be my babies godmother, so again they are not being 'abandoned' as she put it.
I'm pissed off she put me in a situation where I felt I had to justify my choices to her, in front of her friends and the rest of her family, like shes somehow superior to me. I honestly felt she was trying to shame me in some way. I don't see the need for a divide, why can't a mum simply be a mum, without the words 'working' or 'stay at home' attached.
I have said to DP that I want to avoid this person, as I felt she has crossed a line, and been offensive. I also said to DP that I feel an apology for the way she said what she said, and how it came across. I think there is a way of expressing an opinion without being insensitive or offensive. I also think that in some cases, if you don't have anything positive to say, its better not to say anything. He accused me of being 'precious' and told me to ignore it, and not be childish. Also that I owe her an apology for my parting shot, and humiliating her in front of family and friends. Not convinced as you'll read below.
Relevant history - I have kidney issues, bladder issues and issues with a crumbling disc in my back - so thanks to the medication I have to take for these conditions, have never been allowed to breast feed, due to the medication crossing into the milk apparently. The advice came from my Doctors so I didn't breast feed. She embarrassed me hugely with my first, by saying I was 'one of those Mums who bottle feeds' and tried to lecture me on the benefits of breast feeding. If it were possible I would have breast fed, or attempted to, and made that method of feeding a priority. But I couldn't, she knew why but continued to bring it up in public, and made me feel ashamed I couldn't 'feed my child properly'.
She also said to her friends today 'shes one of the bottle feeding brigade' and laughed. Again I felt judged and felt the need to explain to people I didnt know why I couldn't BF. I appreciate BF is best, but again its personal choice for some women (I know it wasnt for me). I think shes an arse for judging other women and their choices, and said so to her face. My parting shot to her, was that 'life is hard enough as a Mum, when you worry your best is good enough, and that your are doing the best for your child, without judgemental women making you feel worse. If people spent as much time supporting each other, as judging the world would be a better place'. Then left. Then cried in the car for half an hour. Bloody hormones.
AIBU to be pissed off at what she said and what do I do about future interactions with her - avoid or suck it up x