Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared drive...who is being U?

29 replies

Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 17:39

First time post in AIBU...really need some perspective on this. Apologies finite turns out long but I am trying to avoid drip feeding.

So we get on quite well with ndns - we don't socialise with them but always have a chat when we see them, exchange presents for the dcs at Christmas etc. One previous run in when we installed CCTV. Ndn came round all guns blazing because we hadn't asked permission - which is true but as the cameras didn't capture any of their property it didn't cross our mind. That all seemed to blow over.

Anyway, we share a drive which originally led between the houses to garages in each of the gardens. Garages have long since been demolished so no need for access. Both houses also have individual drives for parking. Our street is permit parking during the day.

Ndns parents mind their DCs. Rather then pay for parking permits they park on the shared drive. This does irritate me as it means that the facility is never there if I have a visitor but I have never said anything. However yesterday my DM had helped out with my DC in the morning and I had invited her to stay for lunch after dropping DC back. There were no spaces on the street within a reasonable distance. So, shortly before she was due Dh went and asked the GPs next door if they could move their car up so DM could pull on behind them. They said they would but didn't move the car.

10 minutes later DH went and asked again as DM was on her way. He was told "in a minute " and had the door shut in his face. Minutes later the GM knocks and tells DH that she needs to go out at 2.30. DH says fine, DM will be gone by then. But if not just come and knock and she will let you out. As it happens DM was gone by 1.30 anyway.

Fast forward to 5.30 and Ndn knocks at the door asking to speak to DH. He then immediately leads off about how dare you be so rude to my Mum, I can't believe you would have made dcs walk home from school in the rain, I'm not having this etc.

DH says basically that he has no idea what he is talking about, that all he had done was ask for the car to be pulled up and hadn't been rude. Ndn isn't having any of it, refuses to explain exactly what was alleged to be "rude" and finishes off with "if it happens again I'll be knocking again and next time it won't be for a talk".

We are totally stunned by this reaction....we can only assume that the GM may have embroidered the story but in any event we can't believe that DH has been threatened with violence. My instinct is that ndn has been massively u, but were we actually u for asking to share the shared drive?

OP posts:
Tiptops · 11/10/2014 17:43

No, of course you were not being U to ask to use the drive too.

However, as it is causing conflict and bad feelings, maybe it would be better to split it down the middle and turn back in to your own, separate gardens?

OraProNobis · 11/10/2014 17:46

The NDN sounds like a total loon to me - the less you have to do with people like this, the better. He threatened you - I would not like that and if it made me feel intimidated I might make note of it with local Police. Is there no way of separating things entirely i.e with trellis or fencing?

Original poster
Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 17:52

Thanks for the quick replies. Unfortunately I don't think we could separate the shared bit as technically we both have right of way over the other side iykwim. I am tempted to tell them that from now on they are not allowed to use it for parking but am scared of the response. I also considered the police but again don't want to escalate things.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/10/2014 17:53

He sounds like a twat "if it happens again I'll be knocking again and next time it won't be for a talk"., that's a threat, as said above.

I'd avoid them both after this and look into separating the driveway if possible.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/10/2014 17:54

x post!

petalunicorn · 11/10/2014 17:59

Of course YANBU. Given you can no longer access garages and you have your own drives I would see what the options were for returning the land to garden - you could ask on the legal board here?

The existence of a shared drive when you don't need it might even put buyers off when you come to sell your house.

TheWitTank · 11/10/2014 18:07

I would try and talk to the neighbours and resolve this pretty quickly before its turns nasty. YANBU to want to use your shared area equally and it doesn't sound like your DH was unreasonable, although he may have sounded snarky when he had to ask again understandably which probably got the grandmothers back up.
Go and knock or write a letter suggesting you meet up to discuss how to handle this situation. You have a few choices. Nobody uses it for parking at all. You both use it but agree that vehicles must be moved on asking to allow access. One party buys the land from the other. You split down the middle with a fence and return to garden. One side rents the land from the other with a written agreement.

Hope it all works out okay.

wingcommandergallic · 11/10/2014 18:09

Can you look on your deeds to see if there's more detail over how the land can be used and permissions that should be sought?

We used to live in a flat with shared freehold and when we moved I actually read the deeds to make sure we were giving the purchaser the correct information.

Original poster
Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 18:15

Thanks again, some good ideas there. Will definitely be checking the deeds as a starting point. And nice to have it confirmed that normal people don't resort to threats of violence to resolve issues!

OP posts:
Siarie · 11/10/2014 18:17

You could put a fence up with a gate in between the fence, that way you still comply with right of way access but it stops being useable as a parking space as there would be a fence in the middle.

If that complies with the deeds, I've seen that done before though on right of way access.

SistersOfPercy · 11/10/2014 18:17

Yep, check deeds. They are not allowed to impede a right of way. Might be time to remind them of this, though bear in mind this will mean your own visitors parking on the road.

DanyStormborn · 11/10/2014 18:25

They sound awful. I thought they sounded nasty about their reaction to your CCTV - what business is it of theirs if it doesn't film their property? But then I read about the threat of violence - wow what an asshole. I would let the police know so if it happens again they have a record of this incident.

Siarie · 11/10/2014 18:33

If you have a truly shared drive situation detailed on your deeds then neither if you should be parking on the area (obstructing access to the gardens). So worst case you can point out that to them.

VivaLeBeaver · 11/10/2014 18:39

I'd put a note through the door saying you're sorry if the grandparent was upset, then go on to,detail what you'd actually asked them to,do so the ndn can see it was reasonable.

Remind them its a shared drive which you have a right to use though in practice you barely use it while they frequently use it.

And finish it off by saying that you've always felt you got on ok in the past and that its a shame he couldn't come and discuss the matter a bit more calmly as you feel that you're always approachable, etc.

Then leave them to stew.

Original poster
Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 19:31

More good ideas, we have thought about a note Viva, we are by nature quite placatory (if that is even a word!) and if nothing else it might make us feel that we've at least tried to resolve the situation.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 11/10/2014 19:39

That all sounds a bit ott. I wonder what the Gran said to him??

I would put a note through the door, but if you do take a copy of it before posting it.

wowfudge · 11/10/2014 19:39

If you really want to sort things out, don't say it was a shame he couldn't come and discuss it calmly! Guaranteed to get the back up of someone who already has the hump. Keep any note factual and do say you would like to resolve things amicably.

I am wondering if there is something else going on here - some perceived slight which the NDNs have been stewing over.

Original poster
Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 20:04

Think you may have hit the nail on the head Chipping, the business about his DC having to walk from school in the rain suggests she may have told him that DH had said she wouldn't be able to take the car....

Wowfudge, very possibly...either that or he'd had a shit day at work and had been riled up by his DM.

OP posts:
zipzap · 11/10/2014 20:11

Do you think that the ndn are trying to annexe the shared drive for themselves by saying that they use it all the time and you don't ever use it? Claiming squatters rights over it so to speak... (although I don't know if they exist any more!)

Is it worth your parking on the shared bit more frequently to remind them that it's shared and as such they don't have first dubs on it!!

Purplepoodle · 11/10/2014 20:13

I think I would be logging a call to 101. Then checking deeds to se if you can put a fence down the middle. If not, nothing to stop you putting a security pole up in your side to stop anyone parking

Original poster
Surroundedbydiggers · 11/10/2014 21:03

Zip zap there is such a thing but they would have to prove 12 years use without any dispute...think we can safely say there has been a dispute!

Security pole is another interesting idea if it continues to be a problem.

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 11/10/2014 21:13

So you both have drives for parking?
But you have to access them via the shared drive?

But the MIL parked on the shared drive?

But basically they're rude and you should deal with it now or it will escalate.

Collaborate · 11/10/2014 21:44

I'd be surprised if the deeds gave each neighbour any right to park on the other's side of the drive. You'll each have a right of way only. Check the deeds. If I'm right you have the perfect solution. Neither of you can park on the drive.

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 11/10/2014 21:49

You need to log this with the police ASAP.

Oldraver · 11/10/2014 21:57

WANTTO I imagine there is a single drive (or the stupid 1 1/2 width) between the houses that provided access to the former garages at the rear but cant be used by both houses at the same time as a parking drive, so each house has a parking area in front of the houses.

My Mum used to live in an area where the developer had this kind of arrangment...there was always lots of too-ing and fro-ing on the drive until each house gave up and built a new parking area on the front