Trigger warning Posting for traffic I live my life in constant fear.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I am a severe childhood sexual Abuse victim was sexually abused by my mothers partner aged 8-9 then at 13- 15 by my boyfriend.

I have bipolar 1 I hadmy first episode at age 13. Within the fist week alone I had slept with four people one aged 23.

As a teenager I rapid cycled from one episode to another only sleeping with people optionally while manic. I got the nickname of being a slag and I wasn't treated well.

I am 26 now and have only ever slept with one person while not unwell. That is dh.

I am lying here scared of the next episode. I live my life in fear because every time I sleep with someone when I'm manic I feel violated. It feels like someone else took over my body and used it to do things. I sometimes vomit or have panic attacks when I remember the episodes.

I am scared I don't want to be ill again.

I'm here if you want to talk.
Have you spoken to your GP?

You poor thing. You haven't done anything wrong; I hope you know that. The people who called you names were ignorant and cruel. You have an illness that our society is not good at dealing with.

Does your husband sleep with you when you're manic, or are you afraid he will? Or are you afraid that you'll have a manic episode and sleep with a stranger? Is your bipolar under control and well-monitored by a health professional at the moment?

I don't know enough about bipolar to be a huge help, but I know some people on here do. You might just have to wait for them to come along. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and try some deep breathing and visualisation of safe spaces to calm down.

So sorry you're going through this.

I haven't no. My psychiatrist is aware but he tends to focus on the biological issue. I am on a waiting list for therapy.

It's worse if I know the person who has sex with me because then they are aware I am ill (it's really not hard to tell strangers assume I'm on speed).

There is also a incident which is niggling at me. When I was 15 I drank to much and took a shed load of drugs and passed out I came round slightly to hear my boyfriend talking his friend into both of them having sex with me. I tried to wake up properly and spesk but I couldn't and I passed out again.

When I'm manic DH refuses to sleep with me he knows it leaves me feeling violated and doesn't want to cause that. But I do sleep with others and even though I am heterosexual when manic I will sleep with either sex.

That means that they are abusers.
You have done nothing wrong.
You must put your welfare first.
What are you doing now? I'm having a cup of tea. Care to join me?
Do you confide in your dh?

I am lying in bed and I am
Worried because I have taken a lot of anti psychs but can't sleep so I am worried I am showing signs of mania.

I tell DH everything. When manic I accuse him of being abusive and controlling but really he is a lovely man just trying to do his best for me.

I am so angry to hear about all these people who took advantage of you when you were young and/or ill!! Your boyfriend was a bastard. He should have taken care of you.

And of course no decent person would have sex with someone they knew was ill and having an episode! Again, I am appalled.

It sounds as if you have had the misfortune to be preyed on by some really awful people when you were vulnerable. Please believe me when I say this is not your fault.

I don't know what is going on with the health services in the UK, but of course you need a good therapist. (And I know exactly what you mean by your psychiatrist 'focusing on biological issues' - I've had the same experience, and you really need a psychologist/therapist working in conjunction with your psych.)

Do you have any idea how much longer you'll be waiting for therapy? And can you sit down and talk to your husband about this tomorrow? Maybe you can get some help earlier, if you push hard enough. Please advocate for yourself: you need and deserve better than this.

Hang in there.

That's great that you have a lovely dh who you can confide in.
I'm stuck up tonight so I can chat until someone more knowledgeable comes along.
X

Thank you it really did hurt when so called good friends threw away my friendship just for
Sex when two in particular knew how it made ME feel.

I had a phone call a month ago saying I would recieve a phonecall shortly to arrange counselling so I am hopeful it will be soon.

Thanks paradise why are you stuck up?

My dog, aged 4, is vomiting. I'm rushing her to the vet as soon as they open at 8.

Oh no poor doggy I hope she is ok.

Thanks. I'm just cuddling her for now. I'm also wondering how much she smells!

Do you have an iPod with some calming music you can listen to?

I have to go out now (it's midday here in Aus), but I'm glad Paradise is there to chat.

Just keep thinking, 'This too shall pass'. The middle of the night is the hardest.

Always remember, you did nothing wrong, at all. (Those people weren't 'friends'.)

Will pop back later to see how you're getting on. x

I'm still here, Space.
Counting down minutes to 8 o'clock.

Thank you I eventually fell asleep. So sorry I didn't reply. I feel a bit calmer now. I am just afraid of the next episode which I know will come sooner or later.

I've seen a few of your posts before op, and I know it's bad form to bring up previous threads, but in other posts you have referred to your dp as being violent and abusive towards you. I know you said up thread that you accuse him of this when manic, however I'm concerned. It's not clear to me (and I suspect to you too?) whether he is or isn't, but I'm worried that if he is abusive you are convincing yourself that he isn't if you get what I mean?

Hi Spacebound, do you have a crisis plan? Do you have friends you trust who you can give permission to intervene to keep you safe when you are manic? Sounds like you are being really sensible being aware of early signs and need to go see your GP/ call your psych and talk to your dh. Hope you get the therapy soon. Big hugs

If you have the insight to know that you are entering a manic phase, please use this opportunity to access help ASAP, before you loose that insight and become a risk to yourself.
As you have a psychiatrist, I'm hoping you have a crisis management plan or a way to access services out of hours.
Me saying this is unlikely to make you believe it, but all of the things that have happened to you when ill in the past, were not your fault.
I really hope you get the support and treatment you need xxx

Pourquai when manic I believe everyone is going to rape me so if my partner walks in the bathroom while I am in the bath I accuse him of planning to rape me. I call him controlling while manic because he won't let me out late at night. He checks my clothing when He suspects I am manic and tries to say (probably correctly) that my choice of clothing means I am manic. He dislikes all three of my close friends because one is a drug addict who got me into drugs. The other is female and has asked me while normal for sex (he is concerned I will consent while manic) he dislikes the third as he say he encourages my manic behaviour he asks me to go out late at night for the majority of the night and we go drinking a lot.

Tbh I am not sure if he is abusive or not when I've been in height of mania and attacked him he has attacked back. Eg he punched a wall behind my head because I wanted to go out at 11:00pm. I was very paranoid a peadophile was watching the house and he refused to let me get the kids I from garden so I started going nuts and he restrained me very hard leaving bruises. I have been in all abusive relationships before this one and when manic I become paranoid he is abusing me.

When normal I do wonder whether he has crossed the line for care into controlling but I can't really decide.

Thanks to others who posted. I do have a care plan but what I can do before I access mental health services is I am allowed to up my anti psych from 15 to 20mg I will try that tomorrow night and see if it helps.

I was very paranoid a peadophile was watching the house and he refused to let me get the kids I from garden so I started going nuts and he restrained me very hard leaving bruises.

That's hard to call depending on what you were doing to him and if he shows any signs while you aren't manic. But it sounds like you both need some sort of intervention. You need meds, and he needs some sort of crisis line or something he can call when you get out of control.

It is hard to call we are saving up for couples counselling. I was on meds during that incident. I had switched from olanzapine (one of worst for weight gain) to arirpiprazole (little weight gain) unfortunately the arirpiprazole didn't work. So now I am back olanzapine. I am a lot more stable on the olanzapine so I am giving it another month of doing all household chores and looking after dc (I was too ill and had stopped) . Then I am going to see how I feel and start adding exercise in to the mix.

As for incident I was screaming and desperately trying to push past him to get out of the bedroom door to get the dc in the house and he wouldn't let me I pushed him very hard and that's when he took my wrists forced me on the bed and held me there for about 5 minutes.

Other events are I wanted a bar of chocolate and he stood in the doorway preventing me from getting a bar of chocolate.

He has stopped doing this now but I am very phobic of my bum being touched, as I was anally raped when younger. Sometimes when giving oral sex he would lick my bum without consent and I would go nuts and he claimed it was a accident.

So sorry to read about all this. Your DP sounds like he might have indeed crossed a line, but it's hard to tell. It could be that he too is struggling and frightened and in need of help to cope. You should discuss it with your counselor. Also, re couples counseling, Relate sometimes offer a discount or could suggest a cheaper option.

Thank you I'll look into relate that's very helpful.