Trigger warning Posting for traffic I live my life in constant fear.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I am a severe childhood sexual Abuse victim was sexually abused by my mothers partner aged 8-9 then at 13- 15 by my boyfriend.

I have bipolar 1 I hadmy first episode at age 13. Within the fist week alone I had slept with four people one aged 23.

As a teenager I rapid cycled from one episode to another only sleeping with people optionally while manic. I got the nickname of being a slag and I wasn't treated well.

I am 26 now and have only ever slept with one person while not unwell. That is dh.

I am lying here scared of the next episode. I live my life in fear because every time I sleep with someone when I'm manic I feel violated. It feels like someone else took over my body and used it to do things. I sometimes vomit or have panic attacks when I remember the episodes.

I am scared I don't want to be ill again.

Can you access the crisis team OP ? Do you have a mental health worker? Perhaps they could get some benzos prescribed for you in the short term. I appreciate that you're waiting for therapy but medication is helpful when people are getting elated. Take care x

Thanks spongebob I already have benzos clonazepam to be precise. I am feeling a lot better now so don't think I need to access crisis team.

I'm glad you're feeling better, but maybe get in contact with your worker if you feel you might be relapsing? Look after yourself