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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to get married

41 replies

Kthmai · 11/10/2014 00:15

I've been with my partner for 13 years and we have 2 children, 10 years and 18 months old. We have a great relationship and I love him very much but lately I just can't stop wanting to get married. From about a year into our relationship we have both said we'd love to marry each other and I have always made it clear that's what I wanted, expected even. Our children have his surname on the understanding that we would be married. I've asked him why he hasn't proposed and he never really answers me with anything other than we can't afford to. We could easily afford to and I'd be happy with any wedding, even just the ceremony! I even suggested me proposing to him but he said he wouldn't accept that as it's a mans role, which I agree with (sexist I know but I love tradition).
I know I shouldn't let it bother me if we are happy as we are but it does. It's something I've always wanted and I can't help thinking that he doesn't love me enough to marry me even if it was just to make me happy.
Shall I just try and forget about it and carry on as we are even though I would feel unfulfilled?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 00:25

Do you genuinely think he's going to propose to you at some time in the near future?

If you don't, is that something you can live with?

It sounds as though there's something about being married that runs very deeply with you, for it to not have worn off after all this time says that doesn't it?

He has a lot of control over something that he knows means so much to you, and if you think he loves you and there aren't any obvious reason for him not wanting to then it looks to me like he doesn't really want to get married.

If he's not bothered one way or the other, then why not get married?

I got the impression from your OP that you haven't really talked that much about the whys/whens, is that because he closes it down whenever it's mentioned?

QuintessentiallyQS · 11/10/2014 00:28

Why should he marry you? He has everything marriage can give him, without providing you with the legal and financial security that you would need in case of death or him finding a new partner.

At least look at the legal perspective, wills, sort out next of kin, etc.

HumblePieMonster · 11/10/2014 00:29

Absolutely unreasonable. You live with him, you have children with him, what does he gain from marrying you? Nothing. You sold yourself short, nobody did this to you, no-one owes you anything. He isn't bothered about marrying you, so why push it? If you stay together happily, good. If you don't, you save yourself the solicitors fees.

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2014 00:34

He has nothing to gain personally by marrying you I'm afraid.

If it was what he wanted, he'd do it...especially as you're not asking for the whole big wedding thing.

I'm not sure how you can claim to love tradition though, because traditionally couples would marry first and have children afterwards.

If I were you, I'd be looking at contacting a solicitor so you can get covered legally as if you were married.

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 11/10/2014 00:37

I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship for 13 years knowing at some point you'd both agreed to get married but haven't. And because he sees proposing as the man's role, WTF? I'm sorry OP but he isn't going to marry you now. He doesn't need to, you're effectively married in everything but law. It would be different if you had both agreed to not get married, but he's basically been stringing you along for 13 years. Sad

Original poster
Kthmai · 11/10/2014 00:49

I know that he doesn't owe me anything but I have always been led to believe that he wanted to get married as much as I did. I think that after 13 years of loving him and raising his children it would be fair to at least say if that was no longer the case. I believe in marriage and the vows that we would commit to in front of god and our family and friends. I also think it's important for our children that we all share the same surname.
We have discussed marriage a lot and he says that we will but never anything solid like a proposal or look at a date. He's quiet a jokey person so it usually ends up into a joke.
If we don't get married I would have to just get over it as I wouldn't break up over it, although in years to come I do to know how I'd feel tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Kthmai · 11/10/2014 00:58

I know that traditionally I should have married before children but my eldest son wasn't planned and I was very ill for most of the pregnancy so marraige wasn't really feasible then. I was at uni until 3 months before I fell pregnant

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 00:58

Does he really know how much it means to you if he's brushing it off with a joke?

How do you react when he does that?

Do you pick him up on it and tell him you're actually serious and it's something you want to do.

It does seem a bit late in the day to be worrying about your vows before God Grin If they meant that much to you surely you would have done something about it before now.

Sapat · 11/10/2014 01:01

This year I married my partner of 18 years. He never wanted to get married, it wasn't a deal breaker for me, but once we had kids, it became more of an issue for me. Eventually, when pregnant with our 3rd, I said don't you think it is about time, and he said yeah, and 3 months after that most romantic of proposals we were married (fantastic day we had too).

I love my DH, but for some things he is a complete idiot. Taking 18 years to decide to get married was such an example. I now relish in reminding him that when I first met him he did not want kids, did not want marriage and would rather die than live on an estate. Well, guess what. I am glad I did not put pressure before he was ready, as I got (in the end) what I wanted, although he did cut it rather fine. My parents have been married over 40 years. On their anniversary they had a do and were asked what their secret or top tip was. My mother immediately answered "patience".

EvenBetter · 11/10/2014 01:20

Your are being unreasonable to expect to get married, when hes not interested in having you as his wife. Does he know/care about inheritance, or the fact he wouldn't be allowed into your room if you were in hospital because you aren't family, or any of the other legalities involved with marriage? You need to talk about it properly, don't let him brush it off as a joke, does he want to be your husband, or just stay as a boyfriend, in the eyes of the law with no rights or recognition?

Downamongtherednecks · 11/10/2014 01:27

I am sorry this is so hurtful for you. I agree with other posters that he sees no reason to get married -- he has everything he wants already. I'd be tempted to tell him you're going ahead and booking a wedding. Then he cannot be evasive - he'll have to give you a reason why you aren't worth marrying, despite 13 years and two dc.

Original poster
Kthmai · 11/10/2014 01:27

I'm not what you would call a strict religious person but I have been brought up to believe in god and going to church every week which is now once a month as my mum can't force me anymore! Even though I don't follow all the "rules" as such it would still mean a lot to me to get married in church. My partner was raised with the same beliefs as me. I guess I have left it a long time but Im very laid back and havnt wanted to pressure him into anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Kthmai · 11/10/2014 01:29

Thanks sapat, your story gives me hope!

OP posts:
MsJupiter · 11/10/2014 05:27

I'm sure I read a similar post on here where a poster suggested the OP work out all the legal costs involved in getting stuff written up to protect her in the same way that marriage would, compared to the cost involved in a quiet civil ceremony, then showing it to the partner. It sounded like good advice.

stilllearnin · 11/10/2014 06:00

I am in the same position op except our children are older. He did agree a few years ago but when I booked the registry office (with his agreement) he cancelled it Sad He also told friends in NYE we'd get married this year but has not mentioned it since. It hurts to be honest. In this time one of my brothers has met and will soon marry someone!

I live in his house too and he's not made a will since he broke up with his late partner (they separated and then she sadly died) so I don't know where that leaves me. I get the impression he'll do it suddenly one day. I too have said we'll have the cheapest ceremony and a hippy do so the children can be there. He can wear jeans etc etc.

There is something stopping your dp but I wonder if he knows what it is? Perhaps it just doesn't feel like 'him'? The cost thing might work. My dp is lovely but he knows it hurts, more so when he brought it up again then dropped it. Good luck Op

tippytap · 11/10/2014 06:10

I'm sorry, but if this man wanted to marry you, you'd be married already.

I actually think the 'joke' aspect is disrespectful and used as a means of shutting you up.

If you want to be married (and nothing wrong with that, btw). You need to pick a time when you're not busy and TALK to him. If he tries to turn it into a joke, then tell him that it's NOT FUNNY and you want to have an adult discussion on the subject. You need to know why he won't marry you. At least then you can make an informed decision on your future.

Chunderella · 11/10/2014 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dangly131 · 11/10/2014 14:10

If he has discussed marriage and has said it is what he wants why do you need a proposal?

ChickenMe · 11/10/2014 14:16

You're not being U. The only way to sort this out is to have full and frank discussions with your OH. Not joking, not skirting around, 100% honest. Don't apologise for your feelings; completely own them and communicate them as if you fully have the right to feel them (you do but you prob don't believe it). He needs to know in no uncertain terms what you think and he also needs to be honest with you.

BackforGood · 11/10/2014 14:18

Like dangly I can't see why you need him to 'propose' if you've already both agreed that you'd like to be married.
Why not make time for a proper chat - start from the point that you both would like to be married, and then ask what he would like to do about having the wedding - would he like a party, like to elope, like it to be formal / informal / big do / little do / in a couple of months or next Summer, etc., and see if you can fathom out what his objection is..... the expense? standing up in front of people ?.... the organising? ..... what?

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/10/2014 14:40

If it means so much why don't you propose?

meditrina · 11/10/2014 14:46

So he says he wants to marry you, but hasn't proposed and has vetoed you proposing.

Is remaining unmarried a deal breaker for you?

Is your housing secure (are you co-owner/joint tenant)? Is ownership of other major assets clear?

Do you have wills in each other's favour? Have you checked pension T&Cs? Bear in mind that these provisions can be easily and quickly altered.

secretreveleater · 11/10/2014 14:47

My OH and I are in pretty much the same situation except it is me who is unsure about marriage (I posted here about it a few weeks ago).
I very much love OH and we are happy as we are so I thought marriage would just be an expensive piece of paper. After posting here I looked more carefully into the legal aspect as advised and have decided that we absolutely should get married. It would be quite foolish not too.
Maybe your OH also doesn't realise the legal implications of not getting married. So thinks it wouldn't make any difference.

HumblePieMonster · 11/10/2014 14:50

I believe in marriage and the vows that we would commit to in front of god and our family and friends

I wish you luck in achieving your aim.

Might have been a good idea to think about that before moving in, having his children, etc

twainiac · 11/10/2014 15:24

Secretreveleater - what are the the legal advantages, if you don't mind me asking? We are not married either, 2 kids, and I do sometimes feel I should be more aware.....