To expect to get married

[Kthmai]

I've been with my partner for 13 years and we have 2 children, 10 years and 18 months old. We have a great relationship and I love him very much but lately I just can't stop wanting to get married. From about a year into our relationship we have both said we'd love to marry each other and I have always made it clear that's what I wanted, expected even. Our children have his surname on the understanding that we would be married. I've asked him why he hasn't proposed and he never really answers me with anything other than we can't afford to. We could easily afford to and I'd be happy with any wedding, even just the ceremony! I even suggested me proposing to him but he said he wouldn't accept that as it's a mans role, which I agree with (sexist I know but I love tradition).
I know I shouldn't let it bother me if we are happy as we are but it does. It's something I've always wanted and I can't help thinking that he doesn't love me enough to marry me even if it was just to make me happy.
Shall I just try and forget about it and carry on as we are even though I would feel unfulfilled?

Advantages of being married

-Spouses are automatically considered next of kin. If a person is not married, their parents (or adult children) are next of kin. This governs who gets to stay with you in intensive care, who decides if the plug is to be pulled and who gets first say about funeral stuff.

-If you are married and your partner has enough, you have an automatic right to a share in their assets-house, savings etc, even if they are not in your name. It's not a simple as saying you get half each, the percentage depends on various factors but you do have a claim. This extends to a percentage of any business you have directly or indirectly helped build up.

-If you are married and your partner dies intestate (without a will) you are first in line to inherit, although other family members can put in a claim (children of a previous relationship, for example).

-If you are married and will your assets to each other, the first £200,00 goes to a spouse tax free.

There are others but above are the biggies.

The legal advantages are that if something happens to your DH then you're entitled to his assets, you're the next of kin. Unless you've been to a solicitor and had something drawn up legally then you won't be entitled to anything. 'Common law' doesn't exist in the UK so protect yourself.

And don't assume nothing will happen, my Dad died when I was a child but as my parents were married my Mum got his pension.

Protect yourself and your children.

Now that you have been together years and had kids etc the proposal thing seems daft Can't you just say 'lets do it' as we have always said we would? Otherwise get all the paperwork drawn up assuming you haven't already. I always assume women who aren't married have everything in place and men if I am honest. I am unmarried out of choice but have always been completely independent as in nothing would change if we split If you aren't you need to get that sorted and not wait

This business about it being his job to propose is sheer nonsense. Proposals on one knee are nice, but entirely optional.

If you both want to be married, you agree on a time and place and just do it. If you don't want any fuss, you could be married this time next month, with change from £100. If you want something more elaborate then you arrange it and send out invitations.

The only reason for not getting married is that one of you doesn't want to. End of.

I don't think he will ask you.

And he's got you thinking that the asking bit is 'his' right because he is male.

These are awful values OP. Truly awful.

You have no choice whatsoever in this huge decision in your own life.

I am always surprised at people who just accept this

YABU to be annoyed as you are waiting for him to do it and you both accepting some sexist rubbish. YOu are both adults who have together for 13 years. You need to decide together when and where.

I would sit him down and say if you never plan to get married to tell you.

Say DH was in intensive care, would you have to prove you are married or would the HCP just take your word.

Can I ask....what legal protection does marriage actually provide these days?

dear god I can't believe there are people who still don't understand that not being married and having children with a man makes you VERY VERY vulnerable - unless you are the high earner and/ or have independent means .

The facts are to be found here
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

You can sign something with the NHS to nominate your NoK.

Intestacy rules have just changed (1st October) - Guardian article.

Also, November is will-aid month, so you should be able to get a will done cheaply (I think they're basically free, but want a donation to charity.)

If I had children with someone (and we weren't separated for whatever reason), I'd want to be married to them, just for the legal side of things, and I'd check up on all the current stuff on that and use it as part of my reasoning. There's some information here from the CAB.

That legal side of it can be achieved with a register office appointment and a couple of witnesses. I know the religious side of things is important to you, but the options you have are:

• No change - you stay living together, unmarried
• Register office wedding with no guests, just for the legal side of it
• Full glam wedding with all the frills and furbelows
• Smaller wedding somewhere in between the two previous options
• Separation

You need to decide where your line is going to be drawn - if he won't agree to a marriage at all, are you prepared to live with that, or would you prefer he leaves, if there's no hope of marriage? If he won't go for all the bells and whistles, are you okay with something that is simply legal and nothing more?

We had been together even longer than you before we got married. Only got married for the legal protection that marriage gave.

If marriage is important to you and he's dithering, tell him that the children will be taking your name until you are in a position for you all to use the same family name. You say they took his name on the understanding that you'd get married and since that has not happened, there's no reason why they should have his name and not yours.

I think you need his consent to change it but hopefully it won't come to that.

If you haven't already please do make sure you have wills at the very least and absolutely insist on that as a matter of priority whether you get married or not, don't delay that. Even if you don't have assets to bequeath the wills will make administration of affairs a lot easier although hopefully not something to face in the near future but best to be practical.

I hope you have all the legal stuff tied up (wills, house ownership if applicable, what happens if one of you becomes ill and can't make medical decisions for themselves)

Given how important marriage is to you, if he had any intention of marrying you he would have.
He hasn't and he won't.

Even making wills is not the same as marriage.
He can make a will today and make another tomorrow. Marriage is the only real security.

If he doesn't agree to set the date, it's because he doesn't want to be married. It's as simple as that.

Is it a deal breaker for you? Would you leave him over this? Or would you stay, but always feel as though you were missing out?

Either way, I think you should tell him. Perhaps preface the conversation by making it clear that a jokey response is not acceptable to you and that you are already hurt by his failure to take your wishes seriously.

If he is still unwilling to marry you, then you need to ensure that you have the legal protection that you deserve in place. It will probably cost more and be more hassle for both of you, but you need to insist that he does something to protect you.