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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We are not invited to the wedding

73 replies

MissFliss15 · 10/10/2014 21:44

My husband's nephew is getting married in the US next year. It is a small wedding with only 20 guests from this side of the pond invited. We are not invited, no problem, however DH has suggested we time a holiday to coincide with their day so we could go along & watch the ceremony.

I would love to travel to the USA, BUT I don't think it right to - in effect - gatecrash their day. If they wanted us there, we would have been invited.
DH in foul temper that I am unwilling to go along with his idea and that I seem unsupportive of the 'family'. So, is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:

TheEnchantedForest · 11/10/2014 00:22

Completely agree! I assumed there was no chance the op would actually go since she understands that you can't just invite yourself to a wedding!
I was wondering how she will make her husband see this but, you are right,she doesn't have to.

Do you think he will go without you?

tara49 · 11/10/2014 01:05

thats just weird - where are they going on honeymoon - perhaps he'd like to crash that too!

Slutbucket · 11/10/2014 01:08

If it's a church anybody can go watch a wedding. I have done this and I'm perfectly normal!

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 01:11

Out of all the usernames you could have chosen Slutbucket, what was it that drew you to that one?

Slutbucket · 11/10/2014 01:17

My mother used to call me it! It means something different in deepest yorkshire to everywhere else! Means I'm a slatten!

Sapat · 11/10/2014 01:27

Obviously you can't go, but I don't understand the point of destination weddings, and weddings that don't include the whole family. I agree with pp, it is family history in the making. 2 of my cousins and one uncle did not invite my family to their wedding and I haven't quite forgiven them. I am glad for them that they had the wedding they wanted, but I can't help but feel it rather misses the point.

And I would never ever send a wedding present to a couple who did not want me at their wedding.
I was not brought up in the UK, but where I lived people got invited to the reception, because everyone was expected to turn up to the church.

ADishBestEatenCold · 11/10/2014 01:55

"UK law states that wedding must be "be solemnized in premises with open doors, which the Registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections prior to or during the ceremony". "

Is that true true, Oakmaiden? It doesn't tie in with my experience ... I have been to a wedding in someone's very private (large) back garden and, as the access to it was actually through their house, I don't see how it could possible be described as the public having unfettered access to it.

Where was the reference you quoted from?

loveblackcats · 11/10/2014 02:09

voyeurism - lol

NoodleOodle · 11/10/2014 02:18

UK weddings are definitely open. It's to facilitate the dissenters in making their objections. For instance, a groom's not likely to invite his current wife to his bigamist wedding but, she could turn up and speak up with a reason to stop the wedding.

MrsPiggie · 11/10/2014 23:39

ADishBestEatenCold
Is that true true Oakmaiden? It doesn't tie in with my experience...
But that must have been the reception, not the actual marriage ceremony, right? Because you can only get married in licensed premises or church and they have to be open to the public.

ADishBestEatenCold · 12/10/2014 00:57

"But that must have been the reception, not the actual marriage ceremony, right?"

No, it was the ceremony, too. All in the garden and you walked through their house, to get to their garden.

In Scotland, though, so maybe it is only in Scotland that the premises don't have to be open to the public.

Momagain1 · 12/10/2014 01:24

It's not a 'destination wedding' Sapat, the couple live there.

Also, i did not know that about the laws about marriage here, though i was vaguely aware church members go. They do in the US too, some churches. Most probably, technically, have the doors open so the public could come in.

(Dont tell OPs husband I said that.)

AlpacaMyBags · 12/10/2014 01:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redglitter · 12/10/2014 01:40

You can get married pretty much anywhere you want in Scotland I think the laws slightly different up here.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 12/10/2014 02:01

I don't think Weddings are "public" in the US like they are in the UK, so you'd seem even weirder being turned away.

So true. I am American. As others have said, weddings in the US are not public in the way they are in the UK, no matter the venue. It is definitely not the done thing to go to a wedding ceremony when you have not been invited.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 12/10/2014 02:07

In some churches in the US, a couple might say to the congregation that they are getting married and that anyone in the congregation can come to the ceremony, with an understanding that if they did not get a formal invitation, they are not invited to the reception. But if there is no such announcement, it would be considered rude, in most churches I am familiar with, to show up at the wedding if you were not invited.

DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 06:22

I didpute anyone can 'rock up' to a wedding.

Prisoners can gert married - you are seriously suggesting I can pop along to Wormwood Scrubs and ask to view a wedding? Or shove a couple of the bouncers out of the way next time Katie Price ties the knot in a gazebo in the back yard? I might just invite myself along to The Abbey when Prince Harry does the deed. After all, it is, in MN-Land open door.

GoBigOrange · 12/10/2014 06:48

I am British born, but got married in the US. I told all my friends and family in Britain that I would love them to attend our wedding, but that I appreciated that it was a long and expensive trip - so I would not be remotely offended if they couldn't make it. That meant everyone could examine their finances and make up their own minds to come or not without feeling pressured.

So if the nephew really wanted you to attend he probably would have issued a similar sort of invitation - but presumably they are having a small wedding because they actually want a small wedding. So to gatecrash it would be rude and cringe-worthy in the extreme.

Your DH is being extremely unreasonable.

Tryharder · 12/10/2014 08:19

I disagree with the majority, I'm afraid. Depends ENTIRELY on family dynamics.

You were probably not invited as you are not immediate family and it's a bit much to expect non immediate family to pay for the cost of attending a wedding in the States.

Presumably your DH has already discussed this with his nephew and sibling? Watching a ceremony in a church is very different to turning up at the reception demanding a sit down meal for 2.

In any case I thought everyone had the right to turn up at the church in the event that you knew of some lawful impediment why the couple....etc etc

halfwildlingwoman · 12/10/2014 08:31

One of my friends 'eloped' to a popular wedding destination. Her husband's best (female) friend turned up as a surprise.... My friend has always been smiley and relaxed about this, but as she had denied her parents and siblings and friends the chance to see her get married, I can imagine she was secretly rather pissed off.

GnomeDePlume · 12/10/2014 08:38

Tryharder I think you have missed the bit about this being in the US where laws and customs are different.

Littlegreyauditor · 12/10/2014 09:06

What does he mean by 'not being supportive of the family' OP? Are more of them planning to 'just happen' to turn up uninvited at at the church too?

FruVikingessOla · 12/10/2014 09:06

I don't think the OP has specifically said that the couple live in the US; but whether they do, or whether the BTB is American, or whether they've decided to have a destination wedding is academic really, the OP and her DH aren't invited.

DH's idea of being on holiday some 0000s of miles away at the same time of the wedding is ludicrous.

MissFliss, please come back and tell us you've talked him out of it!

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