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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We are not invited to the wedding

73 replies

MissFliss15 · 10/10/2014 21:44

My husband's nephew is getting married in the US next year. It is a small wedding with only 20 guests from this side of the pond invited. We are not invited, no problem, however DH has suggested we time a holiday to coincide with their day so we could go along & watch the ceremony.

I would love to travel to the USA, BUT I don't think it right to - in effect - gatecrash their day. If they wanted us there, we would have been invited.
DH in foul temper that I am unwilling to go along with his idea and that I seem unsupportive of the 'family'. So, is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:

littledrummergirl · 10/10/2014 22:16

When my dsis got married they had guests who were unable to attend.
They skyped the day.

Maybe your dh nephew would consider that for family members who would like to be there but cant.

Jill2015 · 10/10/2014 22:19

Oh no, YANBU! Absolutely not.

KatieKaye · 10/10/2014 22:20

Why does he think this would be a good idea?

Bettercallsaul1 · 10/10/2014 22:24

No, I don't think he (or you) should go as weddings are definitely by invitation only - it may be that the couple actually want a small wedding.

However, this is your husband's nephew we're talking about ie the son of his sister or brother so it is really quite a close relationship and I can understand your husband wanting to attend, especially if he has always been close to his sister or brother. Weddings are, after all, family history in the making and he may well feel left out, which I can sympathise with.

This obviously doesn't mean that he has the right to gate-crash but I wonder if he thinks you would both have been invited if the wedding hadn't been abroad and that if it is just a matter of economics and convenience that more of the family haven't been invited, this could be surmounted by you "happening" to be there on holiday and not costing the couple anything by "spectating" only.

None of this means he can go, of course, but I can understand why he is upset.

QuintessentiallyQS · 10/10/2014 22:25

You are supporting the family by respecting their wishes, ie, respecting that you are NOT INVITED.

Hassled · 10/10/2014 22:26

Is he trying to make some sort of a point to the nephew for not inviting him? There are probably more subtle ways to make a point.

DeWee · 10/10/2014 22:29

I can see from your dh's point it looks like a lovely thing to do to show that he's thinking of his nephew. Particularly if they have had a good relationship in the past.

However from the nephew's position it could be terribly awkward. They'd almost certainly either feel they had to invite you to the meal (with the potential of other family members seeing photos and asking why they weren't invited) or not invite you in and feel guilty that you'd spent all that money not to be invited in.

The thing is, if they lived 30 minutes away it would be a nice thing to do, so he's probably extrapolating from that. However when it's so far away it looks like trying to force them into inviting you. If it was my db/bil doing that I would be wondering what point they were trying to make.

I think too, as someone else said, that weddings aren't open to any member of the public in the USA in the way they are here, so that probably is the place to start discussing with your dh-imagine if you spend all that money, get togged up and find you can't even go into the ceremony.

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2014 22:30

'Why does he think this would be a good idea?'

Because he had it?

At a guess.

Agree with Hassled, he's fucked off something's going on and he's not invited.

FannyFifer · 10/10/2014 22:34

Fuck no.

Darkandstormynight · 10/10/2014 22:37

Oh my. No, I'm sure it wasn't because they didn't want you, but because they wanted to keep it small. I agree with you 100%, I would not schedule a trip there and certainly not show up at the church. That would not sit well with the bride and groom or their families, I'm afraid.

Maybe when you dh is in a better humour you can mention you don't think it's personal, and you'd love to schedule a trip to see the newlyweds in a few months. That might make him feel better that you are being supportive and care about his family, but wouldn't make you gate crashers!

Bettercallsaul1 · 10/10/2014 22:39

I would encourage him to accept that the wedding numbers were unavoidably limited by the location, and maybe the couple's finances (in not being able to cater for more guests), and instead involve himself in a different way - by sending them a nice present and viewing the photos/recording of the wedding when his brother or sister comes home. That way he is involved in a positive way and feels "part of it", despite not being there in person.

springalong · 10/10/2014 22:40

If your DH's DN is going to be living in the US why don't you plan a holiday out there but for another time, perhaps a couple of months after the wedding. Your DH can still see his DN, you can all meet the new bride and spend some proper time with them not clouded by the fuss of a wedding.

BerylStreep · 10/10/2014 22:51

This is a very bad idea.

I have been married for 11 years, and I can still tell you the names of the people who I was strong-armed into inviting were not invited but came anyway.

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/10/2014 22:53

I agree with everyone else ... no, you absolutely cannot turn up uninvited to 'watch'

But I do wonder if your DH is in fact feeling incredibly hurt at not being invited.

Who are the 20 guests who have been invited "from this side of the pond"? Do they include other aunts and uncles of the nephew ... that is other siblings of the nephews mum and dad?

BuggersMuddle · 10/10/2014 22:57

YANBU

If nephew wants a small wedding then he should have the wedding he wants without others turning up.

If nephew simply can't afford a larger one, then by turning up you risk making them feel bad that they couldn't include you (cue scrabbling around trying to involve you in the celebration).

If you're genuinely not bothered about not being invited, but want to appear to support the family, then send a nice card and a token gift. I'm with you in that you shouldn't spend thousands travelling around the world to an event you're not invited you - it's a bit weird / creepy.

lightgreenglass · 10/10/2014 23:00

My work colleague wanted to do this at my wedding - it was about 2-3 hours away from 'home.' He said in Australia everyone goes to the ceremony and then leaves everyone else to go to the after-party. I thought this was a nice idea. But flying to America when you're not invited etc etc is weird. It looks passive-aggressive.

nocabbageinmyeye · 10/10/2014 23:06

Another one who thinks its weird and creepy and it will make it very awkward. Oh God I would be mortified for you if you went ahead with this

OVienna · 10/10/2014 23:23

Yank here. I got married in the UK and people coming to the church on the day who were not invited to the wedding was a very, very new concept for me. Nice on one level but I hadn't been here long enough not to feel bad that we didn't incur them to dinner. Trust me, you are totally right the Americans would be very stressed by this and uncomfortable. I am not exaggerating when I say it could possibly colour the whole day for people. Plus they may outwardly say it's fine if confronted with the situation on a way that will be culturally confusing to your husband but in true Yank fashion they won't be telling the truth, it won't be. You are in the right.

Momagain1 · 10/10/2014 23:23

I am American and I dont even know what

I don't think Weddings are "public" in the US like they are in the UK, so you'd seem even weirder being turned away..

Do weddings here not involve guest lists, invitations, RSVP's and such? How is that 'public'?

It sounds as if your husband's feelings are quite hurt. It is not all about him. Possibly, if his nephew/whichever parent knew that you guys could come, they would fit you in. But it may be that the bride has a limited guest list, for whatever reason, and the nephew is limited to a like number. Not to mention, because of this small guest list, they may have chosen a very small venue, like a restaurant or historic home, that you won't be able to just wander in to as it will be 'closed for a private event'.

Perhaps, you two offer to spend the airfare for the happy couple to come and be guests of honor at a family reception here? (Do not suggest that unless you want to end up planning it.)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/10/2014 23:23

Fully agree O.P If they wanted you there they would have invited you. If you turn up you'll either look like a weirdo or desperate. I would not lower myself to go. I tell you what though the fact that you weren't invited will come out after a few drinks. It's bound to!
I find it really strange that he has not invited his auntie to his wedding. I'd be gutted if if my nephew austrosized me. We're very very close. I see myself as another mum, though. I honestly would not love him anymore if he was my own son.

Sister77 · 10/10/2014 23:23

Yanbu but.....please go then come here and tell us what happened!
Imagine, as a pp said, the thread nephews wife could start.

I am serious please just for the fun we could have.

Eg, AIBU to dislike my DH uncle and aunt as they gate crashed our wedding?
We could tell her swbu and she should be happy they cared enough to go!??

Summerisle1 · 10/10/2014 23:36

Heck no! It's an appalling idea and your DH has to be firmly discouraged!

You can't just roll up "to watch" a wedding, especially in the US where weddings tend to be utter minefields of etiquette and where it is highly unlikely, unless they are having a courthouse wedding, to be held anywhere public that would admit uninvited guests who've wandered in on the offchance. I can only predict dreadful embarrassment all round.

Oakmaiden · 11/10/2014 00:00

Do weddings here not involve guest lists, invitations, RSVP's and such? How is that 'public'?

UK law states that wedding must be "be solemnized in premises with open doors, which the Registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections prior to or during the ceremony.".

So basically, anyone can legally rock up to the ceremony part of a wedding. One of my childhood memories is that every Saturday my best friend and ?I would go to whatever wedding was going on in the nearby church to throw confetti at the bride and groom.

TheEnchantedForest · 11/10/2014 00:07

Church weddings here are definitely not invitation only (to the actual ceremony).
I attend church weekly and often go to the wedding ceremonies of fellow church goers (even when not invited to the reception).

It is completely normal here - my wedding ceremony was full of parishioners -it was just lovely.

However, that isn't what is being suggested in your case OP! YANBU at all. How do you plan on convincing your DH of this fact though?!

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 00:14

Does the OP need to convince her DH that it's a bad idea though Enchanted?

All she needs to do is tell him that he's free to go but she doesn't want to act like a twat and shell out ££££s doing it.

If he tries to manipulate her into going with the guilt/tantruming just put him on the naughty step, one minute for each year of his age ignore him.

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