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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to question what my health visitor said today

49 replies

bluehearted · 10/10/2014 20:29

First time posting here so please be gentle!

I have 2 DS, one is 20 months and one is 6 weeks old. Health visitor came today and when talking about Ds2 nighttime habits, I told her that he sleeps from between 8 and 9pm till around 1am. He then won't go back to sleep after his feed and after trying for a while I tend to go downstairs and keep trying. I should add, my husband is in the army and I've been on my own for 3 weeks with the DCs because he was sent away when ds2 was 3 weeks old and for my own sanity I find it easier to accept he won't go back to sleep and go downstairs until I get him off to sleep again.

She suggested I try controlled crying!! Now I was under the impression controlled crying shouldn't be done until 6 months or there abouts but I'm fully prepared to be told otherwise. It just feels like 6 weeks is far far too young.

So wise people, am I being unreasonable to think I should do my own thing?

OP posts:

wanttosqueezeyou · 10/10/2014 20:32

YANBU to do your own thing.

6 weeks old!! Wouldn't dream of it. He's a newborn of course he doesn't sleep (unless you're really lucky). But he will and hopefully soon.

VSeth · 10/10/2014 20:34

I would ignore her tbh. She might think that she is helping but at six weeks my little one was having a feed in the night.

4yoniD · 10/10/2014 20:35

6 weeks? LORDY, NO! But then I would have reservations about doing it with the 20 month old. Follow your instincts, not your health visitors.

Original poster

bluehearted · 10/10/2014 20:35

That's my thoughts! I thought it was normal for newborns to not sleep through!

I felt it was a bizarre suggestion! After doing it on my own for 3 weeks, I'll do anything for a bit of sleep!

OP posts:

RedPony · 10/10/2014 20:37

6 weeks old is way too young for controlled crying! I won't even let my 14 week old Ds cry on his own for more than 30 seconds. Just do what works for you. And congratulations on your new baby :)

JumpingBarney · 10/10/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bluehearted · 10/10/2014 20:37

And by anything I don't mean I'm thinking about controlled crying! Bringing him downstairs means I'm not getting frustrated upstairs, Im distracted and more relaxed, he eventually goes back to sleep after 2 hours at the most!

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's too young!

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2014 20:38

Strange suggestion. I presume there's no chance she got confused which of your dc was waking?

McBear · 10/10/2014 20:38

Could she have been confused and thought you were talking about older DS?

And to you for having two teeny ones and a husband away!!!

raltheraffe · 10/10/2014 20:38

Gosh cannot believe she has suggested that. Our HV is a lovely lady, really supportive.

Charitybelle · 10/10/2014 20:40

Ignore! I've lost count of the amount of well meaning advice I've ignored from my HV. Follow your instincts. I think most people would agree that 6 wks is too young (and this is from someone who did CC at 14 wks).

FWIW, I used to do what you do and come downstairs when my LO wouldn't sleep. Found it easier to make a cuppa and chill out on the couch than to sit in a darkened room upstairs sobbing because she wouldn't sleep and I couldn't just lie down in my lovely warm bed and sleep.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/10/2014 20:40

That is contrary to current thinking tbh.

I feel your pain. Get over to the sleep boards.

lem73 · 10/10/2014 20:42

Poor you. You have a lot to deal with. You have to wonder about your HV, making such a stupid suggestion. I do recommend if you go downstairs keeping the light low and not turning on the lights. I made that mistake with ds1 many years ago.

Penfold007 · 10/10/2014 20:42

You have the worry of DH being away, a six week old and a 20 month old. As a mum who has been where you are now I think you are doing an amazing job. If you've found a method that works for your family then go with your instincts.

We did do controlled crying with DFB at around six months and it was tough but okay, never tried it with DC2.

Isseyesque · 10/10/2014 20:42

Christ, I would never leave a baby so young to cry.

BlinkAndMiss · 10/10/2014 20:43

6 weeks, not a chance. 20 months, not a chance either. Babies need to be relaxed to sleep and crying themselves to exhaustion won't work, probably because you'll give in before they do.

6 week olds are supposed to be up in the night! A small minority with lucky parents will sleep through at this age but it's certainly not the norm. You have to do what works for you and your babies, practical advice is needed not stupid suggestions like leaving them to cry.

I'm not sure what to do at 6 weeks but I used to make sure DS was not taken out of the bedroom during the night, all night feeds and changes took place in there and I kept it dark. Eventually he understood the difference between night and day, I don't know if this would work for others though and I've only got DS so I'm no expert. I hope you have easier nights soon, congratulations btw :).

PinkSquash · 10/10/2014 20:43

I was lead to believe that you shouldn't CC until 6 months.

BlinkAndMiss · 10/10/2014 20:44

Stupid suggestions from the HV I mean, not on here, this is all useful and practical advice (as always).

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 10/10/2014 20:45

Firstly - you know your child. Secondly - you seem very on the ball.
Thirdly - health visitors are (at best) bloody liabilities. Don't listen to a word they say.

ShakiraB · 10/10/2014 20:46

YANBU

Your HV needs retraining. It is no longer advisable to do controlled crying at any age.

There has been research out for years to suggest it has damaging effects.

Obviously not all children are damaged, and I'm sure plenty of folks will do the whole anecdotal I did it and mine are 'fine'

But if you want to go with the most recent scientific research carried out in the UK (and previously in the USA) guidelines from social services and child psychologists are that HVs should no longer suggest this practice.

I had an antenatal appointment only 2 weeks ago and asked her about this as I must admit its something I hate to hear mams doing. She told me they no longer recommend it

Babies never stay the same for long as I'm sure you know with it being your second so she will get the hang of sleeping better soon

Aherdofmims · 10/10/2014 20:48

Just agreeing do what feels right for you.

Notso · 10/10/2014 20:49

This is certainly a smile and nod then totally ignore HV situation.

Original poster

bluehearted · 10/10/2014 20:50

Thanks everyone!! I'm doing the best I can and tonight I'm trying to keep him awake till I go to bed, to help him understand bed time a bit better! He's currently staring at me and smiling!

Husband back on Monday, when he walks in the door, I'll give him a quick kiss and will take myself off for a long hot bath and to bed!

I'll take on board the suggestions of keeping the room dark, I haven't been doing that but will tonight.

In all other respects she seems nice. Although when she asked if I get teary, I pointed out my situation and said yes... She seems worried I have PND, I don't, I'm just tired!!

She definitely wasn't getting confused with ds1, she barely acknowledges his existence!

OP posts:

NormHonal · 10/10/2014 20:52

GP told me to try controlled crying.

Notso · 10/10/2014 20:53

Posted that too soon, wanted to say OP you sound like your doing great. Newborn and toddler is hard enough when you have someone to chuck them at handover to each evening never mind on your own.

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