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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to question what my health visitor said today

49 replies

bluehearted · 10/10/2014 20:29

First time posting here so please be gentle!

I have 2 DS, one is 20 months and one is 6 weeks old. Health visitor came today and when talking about Ds2 nighttime habits, I told her that he sleeps from between 8 and 9pm till around 1am. He then won't go back to sleep after his feed and after trying for a while I tend to go downstairs and keep trying. I should add, my husband is in the army and I've been on my own for 3 weeks with the DCs because he was sent away when ds2 was 3 weeks old and for my own sanity I find it easier to accept he won't go back to sleep and go downstairs until I get him off to sleep again.

She suggested I try controlled crying!! Now I was under the impression controlled crying shouldn't be done until 6 months or there abouts but I'm fully prepared to be told otherwise. It just feels like 6 weeks is far far too young.

So wise people, am I being unreasonable to think I should do my own thing?

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 10/10/2014 20:55

You need to report her.

Refuse to see her again.

I wouldn't keep him awake, he'll only end up overtired and horrible unsettled.

youmakemydreams · 10/10/2014 21:02

Agree having made the same mistake that if you go downstairs keep it dark and quiet and still 'nighttime' rather than put lights on and make it like you're all supposed to be up. Do not underestimate how quickly that little internal clock gets used to it. I had a lamp with a 15watt night light bulb in it that gave me enough light to see what I was doing but dull enough to not make it playtime. Ds1 was a nightmare and I got into the habit of getting up and wasn't long before he was used to it and it took longer to get him out the habit.
I ended up taking snacks to bed and just staying there with them in te bed beside me.

But yanbu and even the people who 'invented' controlled crying say it should not be used on little babies. I've never been able to leave them to cry at any age they cry they get cuddled.

confusedandemployed · 10/10/2014 21:20

Bloody hell. My views on CC are not the norm of MN but 6 weeks!! That's more than a bit too soon even for me!

Purplepoodle · 10/10/2014 21:59

Did she mean proper cc or popping into his cot and leaving for 5 mins to see if he settles? Dark room thing is great. Someone told me to try and keep room bright during the day and dark at night.

Figster · 10/10/2014 22:01

Silly woman I'd think about reporting her tbh

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 10/10/2014 22:06

YY to the dark room thing/being 'boring'/less eye contact/relaxed 'sleepy' body (yours) etc to make a marked difference between day and night. They'll get the message eventually!!

Anniegetyourgun · 10/10/2014 22:10

Apparently they left me to cry for six hours in the night when I was a similar age, at the midwife's instigation (probably explains a lot about how I've grown up...). But that was the 1950s. One might have hoped that childrearing advice had become a mite more, shall we say, civilised half a century later.

milkpudding · 10/10/2014 22:22

Six weeks, that is horrific advice! CC advocates don't recommend until six months, six weeks is completely loopy.

Tbh I would write a complaint letter as I would worry that another mum might follow her advice. It is not just a difference of opinion, that advice is potentially very harmful.

Purplepixiedust · 10/10/2014 22:48

YANBU. Ignore her. A 6 week old baby is programmed to wake often and feed often. They have tiny tummys and short sleep cycles.

She should not be advocating CC at 6 weeks even if she advocates it for 6 months plus (which I don't).

I used to smile and nod at most of my HV and then trust my instincts and do what felt right. One of them was just great. They all have their own opinions. I got loads of info off the internet including www.kellymom.com which explains things really well.

PicandMinx · 10/10/2014 23:04

This HV needs to re-train or at least update her "skills". Please consider a complaint OP.

greenbananas · 10/10/2014 23:38

Oh dear, 6 week old babies are supposed to wake up in the night! It's what they do, because their tummies are still tiny and need topping up regularly with milk. They all sleep through eventually, but some take longer than others.

I didn't think any health visitors were supposed to recommend controlled crying any more, even for older babies. At only 6 weeks old, this is just cruel, and won't do any good anyway because your baby hasn't yet developed the memory skills which will make it "work".

Good for you, just following your instincts. Your situation sounds difficult.

greenbananas · 10/10/2014 23:39

(Agree that you should bring this health visitor's advice to the attention of her managers)

ColdFeetWarmHeart · 10/10/2014 23:48

I wouldn't worry about her suggestion that you have PND if you mention you are teary. I admitted to HV that I had been teary on one or two occassions (when DD was just days old and I was flooded with hormones and no sleep!) and she put me down for a couple of extra visits to keep an eye on me and further signs for PND. I think it is something that they are told to keep an eye out for, but there are more tactful ways about it!! My HV didn't make a big thing about it, just said I'll visit again in a week/fortnight!

gentlehoney · 10/10/2014 23:56

You are already doing exactly the right thing for your baby.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken · 11/10/2014 00:10

Bloody hell, 6 weeks is too early. What on earth was the HV thinking. Surely CC should be a last resort sleep training method anyway, not the first port of call. Couldn't she think of any other suggestions than CC?!

But at least it's 4 weeks later than when my friend did it - her reason being she wanted her 2 week old DS to go to sleep so her and her husband could have some evening together as they just weren't getting any time together. Damn right I judged.

ColdTeaAgain · 11/10/2014 01:30

Personally don't agree with CC at any age and yes, god knows I have been almost pushed to the limit and been tempted to try it at times!

But 6 weeks! Bloody hell! I would actually be taking it further than just ignoring her. I would make a formal complaint. Honestly. HV's come into contact with all sorts of mums, many will be vunerable and with no other source of guidance and could well be following her "advice" instead of feeding and comforting their newborn because they believe she knows what she's talking about

Downamongtherednecks · 11/10/2014 01:45

Ignore her, and ask for another HV. You need someone you can trust, and you have enough to deal with without some idiotic HV spouting nonsense. (I'd just snuggle the newborn into bed with me and get some sleep -- co-sleeping worked really well for us, despite huge and clumsy DH who never once squished the dc)

elkiedee · 11/10/2014 03:20

Trust your instincts. And I think a letter of complaint would be justified if you can find the time/energy to do so.

Where does baby sleep when he does, your room, with brother or own room?

My DS2 was a much better sleeper, I think because I managed to get the hang of breastfeeding eventually so I could just curl up with him and not have the disruption of having to go downstairs and mess with formula, or even getting dp to do it. I didn't deliberately cosleep all the time but did just take baby into bed when needed. It helped that his basket/cot were in our room.

Whatabeautifulsight10 · 11/10/2014 16:51

Bluehearted,

Firstly congratulations on your two ds's. I take my hat off to you for doing this for long periods on your own, it's bloody hard with help, let alone weeks at a time while your dh is away. It'll soon be Monday.

I've got a 4.5 month old dd, who learned quite well difference between day/night to help her bodyclock. You may find this helpful?

Day- naps are in room with no black out blind, and noise levels normal. When she wakes I greet her and talk. She learned quickly by the light that this was day.

Night- we went by her bodyclock, she slept for longer from 6pm, so this is now bedtime. Blackout blind used, white noise playing and she sleeps well. On waking I have a nightlight in the corridor, no light in the room, let her know I'm there just saying hello, then no more talking, nappy change in silence, feed in silence all in the dark then straight back down.

Of course, at 6 weeks you may be up multiple times, but this really helped with her learning when to go back to sleep. It's hard not to talk especially when dd is making sounds, but a quick hug and a kiss makes her know it's not time to wake.
Yanbu at all with not wanting to do cc, he's tiny and has a tiny stomach that needs feeding every two/three hours, and it takes time for them to work things out.

Hope tonight goes well for you, sleep deprivation is hell on earth..

ShadowStar · 11/10/2014 16:58

YANBU, 6 weeks is far too young for that sort of thing. It's perfectly normal for a 6 week old baby to be wakeful in the night.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/10/2014 17:06

I was going to make the same suggestion as downamongtherednecks - I would suggest dim lights and snuggling him in bed - you could either co-sleep, or you could try swaddling him before you start cuddling him - I had a theory with mine that putting them down on the cold mattress in the Moses basket woke them up, and the warm blanket insulated them from that so they stayed asleep.

But the bottom line is that you do what works for you and your baby. If going downstairs with the baby gets him off to sleep quickest, then it is the right thing to do.

DanyStormborn · 11/10/2014 18:36

YANBU! I would never do controlled crying and that's my choice and no health visitor should question it. And even if you want to try it I think six weeks is way way too young. She needs re-training on that one.

redexpat · 11/10/2014 20:10

Its advice. You can take it or leave it. You decide.

Absofrigginlootly · 11/10/2014 20:33

Not rtft so this has probably already been covered.... But just wanted to say, I used to work in HV and controlled crying should NOT been suggested for a child younger than 6 months! Definately not! (Ideally not until they are a toddler and you know it's basically a 'behaviour/habit' thing and all other possibilities have been excluded).
There is lots of research to show that it can be potentially damaging neurologically to do too young. It's also rediculously common for babies to have periods of wakefulness at 6 weeks old!! Babies are born with their body clocks the 'wrong way round' as they are designed to breastfeed most at night when the breastfeeding hormones are higher...thus creating/maintaining a good milk supply.
Your HV is talking rollocks!!!!! (Iam quite surprised she suggested it!!!!)

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