To not always be home before dp

[ticktocktime2rock]

I had a massive arguement with dp last night. There was a collision on a motorway leading to long tailbacks causing me to take 2 hours when it usually takes 40mins

I had been to see my parents, I usually only go once a month to spend the day as my mum looks after ds once a week so i don't see her very often. I lost track of time as can easily happen with a toddler and left at 5. I text him as leaving and updates when not moving in traffic. When i got home all he can say is what time did you leave. You always leave at rush hour, you dont care enough about me to be home for when i get in.

Dp originally had been getting in at 5.15 but has been arriving later the last few months so 5.30/5.40 so we could have arrived a similar time without the accident.

Aibu? Should i always be home when he gets in from work to show I care?

Home at the same time? Why of course you should be. You should also have his slippers warmed, his whisky poured, the dinner ready, the kids freshly bathed in in starched pjs lined up to give Papa his goodnight kiss before they disappear to bed. Oh and you should be in full make up and with hair done nicely.

As if

This is not 1952.

Well by his own logic, he clearly doesn't care about YOU, seeing as he's not normally in when you get in.

Presumably to confer a perfect equilibrium of love, you must both arrive home at precisely the same time each day. Which unless you happen to be The Simpsons, probably isn't going to actually happen.

how weird, totally weird.

Why should you be in before him?

I picture you in a tidy house, wearing a little neglige with supper bubbling away in the background whilst you hand DH his slippers, a beer and the i-pad....LOL

My DH is most aggrieved (lightheartly) that the kids swimming lessons are half an hour earlier as we now arrive home same time as him and not half an hour later, it was the highlight of his week having the house to himself for 30 min!!!!

Pil live in a European country so i don't think its a cultural clash. We've just hosted house parents for a week and I've tried to make them as welcome as possible.

Just wanted to relax with my own parents - he doesnt like being too late home on a sunday and likes doing things the 3 of us at the weekend so it seems better to go midweek.

All I wanted was consideration for such a torrid journey. He did put dinner in after I asked him to on the way home. He's now not talking to me. We've been having problems and now this just makes me feel shit :-(

YANBU. How does being home waiting for him show you care? As a PP pointed out does this mean he doesn't care for you according to his own twisted logic? My DH isn't the most empathetic of people but even he would sympathise if I was stuck in traffic with our toddler and late home as a result.

The more you post about him, the more you're revealing that he's controlling, manipulative and frankly emotionally abusive. Not talking to you because you were stuck in traffic and got home later than planned ONCE? He dictates how your weekends go, and on top of that doesn't like what you do with your time during the week either? Now has you worried about visiting your parents just in case you're not back when he expects you?

Red flags OP. I can imagine you're having problems. They sound like his problems more than yours.

Was he worried about you because of the accident? (clutches at straws)

Is he looking for an opportunity for a fight? What else is going on here?

OP YANBU and you well know it.

What will happen when your DS is at school, and you can't go to see your parents on the weekend?

Be careful what sort of precedent you are setting here. If you NEVER do things on a weekend other than what your DH wants to do then things are going to get very uncomfortable, very quickly.

As an aside, if you only see your parents between 9 and 4, once a week, and you see his parents from the time you wake up until you go to sleep, for a week at a time, 4 times a year, you do realise that you see his parents MORE than you see yours?!

Oh and YANBU, and he's an arse.

Your husband is being a dickhead.

He is certainly very unusual. When I had two toddlers I worked full time and might even sometimes be away on a business trip. Their father got home of work by 6pm most nights to be there for the children and tried to be back by 6.30 butr when you earn 10x what your husband does he tends not to complain if you occasionally work late.

Also I don't know a parent who would not be glad of a house without the young children there occasionally. Even now it's terribly different and rater nice if occasionally no one is in. Most husbands would see that as a massive bonus- silence, peace, no small children around.

Your DP is being ridiculous and very controlling. I bet there's lots of other things he is unreasonable about too, things that make you feel stupid or rubbish? I'll also bet that he moves the goalposts a lot so you never know quite what's expected of you. And these expectations never apply to him too? One rule for him and one for you?

He's trying to isolate you from your family. it's not unreasonable for you to want to spend time with your parents especially as they look after your DS.

Take a look over on relationships, there's lots of info that you may find interesting and useful.

This is so weird I just fail to see any sense in it. What is this getting home before him all about and what has it got to do with caring about him? You get home when you get home and that's it. You're not under a curfew.

Wowsers - the red flags are flying here.
This is not good.
Now he's stonewalling you.
Sounds like a lovely environment for your DS to grow up in - NOT!!!

I'm guessing this is the tip of the iceburg and that he is actually very controlling and abusive!

If you want to elaborate on your other issues then please start a new thread and put it on the relationship board.
You will get a lot of good advice over there.

I agree with those of us who think your other half is living in the past. For my two penn'orth I'd say he needs to grow up as well. But the fact that his parents live overseas might be significant. Is he a different nationality from you with a different culture and attitude to being home when he is ?

You KNOW he's being odd and controlling. I'm usually home later than my husband. He's not bothered. Why on earth would he be? Does he expect a bloody martini and for you to be waiting in a pair of fluffy mules and a frock?

He's telling you loud and clear what kind of man he is. Listen... and do something to stop this turning into an even more dreadful environment for both you and your child.

The Victorians called. They want their husband back.

He's not talking to you now about this?

Seriously OP, that's not normal behaviour.

Just because he's from a european country does not mean there aren't cultural issues.

Which country is he from?

You should be giving him the silent treatment for having behaved like an arse to you.

I hope you do that and wait for him to beg for forgiveness first. See how he likes it.

Or are you expected to be desperate for his lordship to grace you with his conversation again and be super super nice until he deigns to forgive you?

The relationships boards here are full of good advice btw.

Please take your ds to visit your parents at least once a week from henceforth. Do not leave before 5; better, in fact, to stay there for dinner as you know the journey will be easier if you leave at about 7.30 - ds can sleep in the car.

If a friend said to me "I need to leave now as DH likes me to be home when he gets in" it would be a big red flag to me.

What Jux said.