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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When to have a third baby...

35 replies

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:12

I have a 4 yo and a 2 month old. We would like one more dc...
Aibu to think we should just crack on and have another baby straight away?!
I'm 39 so aware that time isn't on my side. I got pregnant straight away the first two times but I'm worried about my health/the baby's health if I wait too much.

But is that mad? Should we wait and have a more manageable gap - 2 or 3 years?!

Our tiny baby is very easy right now but I'm well aware that in 9 months she'll be starting to walk, talk, all over the place...!

Help?!

OP posts:

PeppaPigStinks · 09/10/2014 20:14

Following as I'm desperate for a third! There never is a good time for kids though!

Original poster

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:16

So true. If I had a guarantee of a good sleeper I'd go for it now. Sadly there are no such guarantees!

OP posts:

Stuckonthebaby · 09/10/2014 20:17

Also following as we're having the same conversation at the moment. We have a 3.5 yr old and nearly 2yr old. Thinking we should just get it over and done with (the baby phase and pregnancy, in the nicest possible way) as you never know if these things will happen quickly or take months, but I can't quite bring myself to chuck the pills out just yet. And we both know we definitely want a third. But oh god those first few months!!!

Original poster

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:20

See, I think the first few weeks are tough and then it's not so tough until they're mobile. But then- the early toddler years are SO full on!!

OP posts:

Stuckonthebaby · 09/10/2014 20:22

Ha ha. I like it when they can talk and you can do things with them! But then DC 2 was a bit of a nightmare baby so he's put me off a bit!

Ihateparties · 09/10/2014 20:24

I don't think there's an ideal, I had 3 in 4y5m, some days it seems totally reasonable, a big gap, on others not so much..

With the benefit of hindsight I can see that I underestimated what it would be like beyond the obviously tricky and restrictive "immature 4yo, 2yo and newborn chaos" bit. Temperaments have played more of a part than the age gap I reckon. The experience would have been totally different with the same children in a different birth order.

I've never had a really close gap though, if you went for it now you could potentially have a vary small gap and I'm not familiar with the particular issues that brings.

serislou · 09/10/2014 20:24

I fell pregnant with my third when second was 5 months so now have exactly 13 month gap between the two youngest. DC3 is now 9 months and so far the hardest part was being pregnant with two small children. It's definitely not easy and we are always tired, but I love the small age gap. The dynamic between all the children is lovely and even at this stage they are playing together and interested in the same things.

That said I am now just getting into temper tantrum territory with DC2 and am not enjoying trying to control a tantruming toddler while out and about with a baby and an overexcitable 4yo

Original poster

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:25

Am I mad wanting three anyway? Two is manageable. Three would mean a big car and possibly a bigger house. And no money. But I keep thinking that the ones I've got so far are the loves of my life and another will be just as amazing!

OP posts:

biscuitsandbandages · 09/10/2014 20:27

6 4 and a newborn was lovely. Still lovely now she is 8m.

Ihateparties · 09/10/2014 20:29

Also I though I would feel finished. But I don't and an infinite number of children isn't on the cards so the closure I expected didn't actually happen. Which is vaguely frustrating I suppose, rather than a big issue, just yet another thing I accounted for that didn't pan out.

Original poster

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:30

Based on nothing but a vague notion, I have the idea that two close together and then a bigger gap before the third is easier than one, big gap and then two close together.

I don't want my middle dc (now tiny!) to be squeezed and not get as much attention as she deserves!

OP posts:

MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 09/10/2014 20:34

I'm following this thread as I'm thinking about a third too. I would have a huge age gap though as my two are 16 and 12. I'm only 34 though so still young enough :) xx

Purplepoodle · 09/10/2014 20:43

I love my three who are 5, 3 and 1 1/2 but I won't lie it's been a complete shock. Two was fine, three with these ages is a complete juggling act. I don't feel like my eldest can have all his needs met and misses out on things because of his younger siblings. It's hard to go anywhere as it's a mission getting in and out of the car, nappy bags ect. My poor middle dc was still a baby when dc3 was born but had to grow up a bit faster than I would have liked as he was only turned 2 when the baby was born.

If I could do it again I would have gone for a bigger gap between my younger two, getting my middle one nearer preschool age before having a third as I feel he gets squeezed out a bit at times

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/10/2014 20:44

I'm reading this about to pop with DC2 and thinking 'why would anyone do this a third time?'

But they're so lovely! I feel your pain OP.

Original poster

PoppySeed2014 · 09/10/2014 20:45

purple thank you. That's what I'm concerned about... Maybe we should wait.

OP posts:

weegiemum · 09/10/2014 20:51

I had dc3 (very much unplanned! - was a mirena coil failure!) when dd1 was 3.10 and ds 22 months. So I had 3 under 4, was very unwell as the pregnancy was exceptionally hard (I was air ambulanced before labour to a larger hospital!), was still getting over crashing pnd (which re-crashed!) and had a very hard couple of years.

Dh had a vasectomy even before dd2 was born as another pregnancy could have cost me my left kidney!

Dc are now 14.9, 12.9 and 10.11. Dd2 has been a wonderful addition to the family. I had her when I was 32, almost 33 and entered the menopause at 35/6, so I'm delighted that I got her (even tough it was never the way we planned it!).

I'd say just go for it if you're sure. I'm very glad we got the chance!

Flowerface · 09/10/2014 20:53

I have the same gaps as purple - mine are 4, 2 and 2 months. I was desperate for a third and only once I was actually pregnant did I realise that most people I knew with 3 had a bigger age gap somewhere in there. It is a struggle to accommodate the burgeoning social life of a primary school child, and the pressure to do extra-curricular activities, etc, with the younger two. It is difficult to give the middle one as much physical attention as he is used to, with a baby attached to me. All in all the whole thing is very very hard - far more so than I was expecting (for some reason), and I feel completely knackered and quite stressed. Not that I wouldn't do it again. And maybe the juggling gets harder once the gaps are larger and the types of things they are up to more different?

Ihateparties · 10/10/2014 00:59

A year or so ago when mine were the same age as purple's I think I would have said I wish we had gone for a larger gap. In some respects it would have been easier but now I'm not so sure. I am glad the baby bit is over, they are now just turned 7, 4.5 and 2.5. We didn't experience the "third one just slotted right in" phenomenon I hear about, it fully felt like 50% more children but it is getting easier in moment to moment sense at least.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/10/2014 01:05

Oh go for it.

We had 2 16 months apart and the 9 years later had another 2 16 months apart.

Mad mad mad. But great fun.

frazzled74 · 10/10/2014 01:25

It's only the first year or 2 that is going to be any harder! After that it will be lovely!

AmazingMaise · 10/10/2014 02:49

I have a 4, 2 and 4 months. Bloody hard work. Someone said that its alot to do with temperament of the children rather than the ages, and to an extent I'd say that's true.

zoemaguire · 10/10/2014 03:02

6, 4 and 8mo here. Much easier to have bigger gap between ,2 and 3 than 1 and 2! Older two are in school and when at home can play together independently while I sort the baby. But it is still enormously hard work! First 6 mo were a doddle by comparison after I'd got over early weeks. Now she needs entertaining, solids, settling to sleep,and watching like a hawk as she usstarting to be mobile. I'm really aware that we had JUST got to the stage where older two becoming easier and more fun,and then plunged back into sleepless chaos again! But it isn't for ever, dd2 is fab, and I do like the bustle and business of having three, it feels like we are a proper clan!

sleepywombat · 10/10/2014 04:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moxon · 10/10/2014 08:04

Place marking :)

Wolfbasher · 10/10/2014 08:12

There are 20 months between each of our 3, and it's a great age gap. The early years were absolutely exhausting, but at least you get all that non-sleeping over with together rather than spreading it out over a decade. Ditto with nappies and potties and the general wailing and flurry of tiny DC.

Mine are 3, 5 and 7 now, and I feel we're reaping the benefits. They are all close enough to enjoy playing together and it's easy to do outings that suit them all. Although we do have friends over etc. it's not essential as they've got company all the time, esp on holiday.

And it takes some of the pressure of us in teaching them how to do things. DC2 learned to read almost instantaneously, I think because he was of an age to pay attention while DC1 was learning, and now DC3 seems to be going the same way. They teach each other how to play games, sing songs, do things etc. They can all watch a film together and enjoy it. Also,

Downsides - my stomach isn't a pretty sight, but that might have happened anyway. I was of a similar age to you, so also wanted to get on with it. As a note, 3 years on, my fertility seems to have dropped massively, so no. 3 might not have happened if we had waited - which was a surprise, as all 3 were conceived 1st or 2nd try despite me being older. At some point, one's fertility just drops off a cliff.

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