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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would react to finding a hook up app on your OH's iphone?

36 replies

Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 14:27

Just wondering how you'd all react.

You go on your OHs phone as yours is out of battery. On there is a swingers/sex hook up app. No evidence that he'd ever logged into it but he has downloaded and installed it.

He admits (after a roasting and a few lies) that he did download it but said he was drunk and never intended to use it.

How would you react, honestly?

OP posts:
TTTatty · 09/10/2014 14:35

Very upset, why download it?
and if done when drunk surely delete it off when sober (although being drunk crap excuse!)

LadyLuck10 · 09/10/2014 14:41

Why would being drunk lead you to download a hookup app unless he was looking for sex?Sounds like he has great potential to cheat, if he hasn't don't it already.

Mabelface · 09/10/2014 14:42

I'd have gone nuclear.

Captainbarnacles1101 · 09/10/2014 14:48

What was the app?

Mrsstarlord · 09/10/2014 14:49

I'd think someone else had been on his phone, he can't even send a text and doesn't know his own iTunes password. Sorry for derailing.

fluffyraggies · 09/10/2014 14:50

How would i react to finding it? I'd find him ASAP and ask him straight.

How would i react to finding he would have had to download and install it, and hear him lie about it at first?

...

I'm afraid it would be game over. It would break my heart, but I can't love a man i cant trust, and if he'd done this i'd never trust him again.

Stupidhead · 09/10/2014 14:52

Game over here too.

I saw an app a few years back on my DPs phone with a heart icon. I went postal...it was a telly listings guide Smile
What was the name of the app? Are you positive it was a hookup one?

Original poster
Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 14:56

The name of the app was "Chance Mingle" and its icon was a male and female gender symbol entwined. Honestly you couldn't mistake what it was before you even considered downloading it.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 09/10/2014 14:58

Is this your OH OP?

Flowers if so. Sorry to hear this.

Original poster
Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 14:58

I asked him outright. He said he didn't know how it got there.

I pushed further and he it must have been clicked on accidentally after he'd visited a dodgy site.

I dismissed this as bullshit as he'd have still had to have installed it and he said ok, maybe he did download it but he couldn't remember doing so.

I pushed again and he admitted that yes ok he downloaded and installed it but he was drunk and never intended to use it.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 09/10/2014 14:58

What was your reaction op?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 09/10/2014 14:59

Well I certainly wouldn't throw my 25 year marriage away and break my 4 kids hearts over a downloaded app for Christ sake.

Op obviously you need to talk.

Am amazed at the LTB brigade.

The op has hardly found him in a 3 way.

Talk to him and then give yourself time to think.

Original poster
Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 14:59

So I guess what I'm asking is :

Even if there was no evidence that it was ever used - would you still say gameover?

OP posts:
Miggsie · 09/10/2014 15:01

He's going through the standard stages of being caught out - deny, lie, minimise - the next stage is that he blames you.

If he was drunk he didn't, when sober, delete the app - which would finish it for me.
The lying is depressing - he really doesn't credit you with much intelligence does he.

Mrsstarlord · 09/10/2014 15:01

No, I wouldn't say game over unless there is more that we don't know about.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 09/10/2014 15:01

It maybe that he wants you both to swing or he's interested in the scene or he was drunk and stupid.

Either way you need to get to the bottom if it before you decide what to do. That may take time.

LadyLuck10 · 09/10/2014 15:03

Yes I would say game over. Just look at his lies, you got the truth after a few lies. Why would you download it with the intention of never using it? What was he looking for? Why was he even looking in the first place??
Sorry but I would see this as a very good glimpse into what goes on in his mind. If he blames this on 'being drunk' can you trust him going out with friends?

cherrybombxo · 09/10/2014 15:04

He can't have been THAT drunk, if he could still search for, download and install an app. I think I'd be pissed off about the app, but more pissed off about the lying.

Stupidhead · 09/10/2014 15:05

Just had a look, it's advertised for swingers. Eew.

fluffyraggies · 09/10/2014 15:05

Personally i would never be able to trust my DH again if he'd downloaded some crap like this. I couldn't live like that. Kids and marriage or not.

He knows i'd feel this way.
And I know he'd feel the same if i downloaded an app to meet up with men.

I'm not advising the OP to LTB. She asked what our personal reaction would be to that situation.

My advice would indeed be to talk to him. But it sounds like it'd be hard work to get the truth out of him. He wouldn't even be upfront about downloading the thing.

Original poster
Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 15:05

He did try to delete the app, only it synced to ipad first and then showed up in the itunes account as being on the ipad.

There is a bit more to it I suppose - he also downloaded snapchat and an app called "fling". Fling is apparantly just a bog standard chat app at heart although the undercurrent is that it's used by saddos to send willy pictures/sex invites to numerous people at once. No evidence that this is what HE used it for but he told me he'd downloaded it as it was in the top 10 apps for iphones then he realised it was crap and deleted it after having never used it. Last night however I found a screenshot of the app in use in his photos on his phone meaning either he must be using it or someone sent him a screenshot of themselves using it (why would you?)

OP posts:
Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 09/10/2014 15:05

Op beware baggage here from other posters including me.

Realistically.

Has he form? Has he lied/cheated before. If he has lied was it through panic of loosing you or a cover up.

All these are unique to you and your situation.

If everyone split up over a lie noone but noone world wide would be married anymore.

Asteria · 09/10/2014 15:09

I agree with miggsie - if he did it whilst drunk then why didn't he delete it. The fact that his story has evolved so much as you have pushed him is concerning. He is treating you like an idiot.

What happens now is down to you Ruthy - don't make potentially life changing decisions based on what Internet strangers have told you to do. Do what is best for you and your DP. Good luck

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 09/10/2014 15:10

Do you believe him op?

By believe I mean do you think he was drunk and daft and now lying out of panic or just lying as he was caught out in something more serious.

You know him best.

Original poster
Ruthy67 · 09/10/2014 15:10

He did the same thing a few years ago although that time I actually found emails back and forth between him and other women trying to arrange meet ups. I can't help thinking the lack of evidence this time is just because he's learnt from his last mistake and has got better at hiding it making just the occasional slip-up.

OP posts: