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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think colleague is pushing it a bit with this excuse!

98 replies

butterytoastandmarmalade · 08/10/2014 22:33

She's had her wrists slapped (mild rebuke) over timekeeping.

'She (our supervisor) hasn't got kids!' she thundered.

a) they aren't 'hers', they are stepchildren - she lives with their parent.
b) they are aged 14, 11 and 5 - hardly babies!

AIBU and a bitch!? Or is that a really naff excuse!

OP posts:

lougle · 08/10/2014 23:01

Oh I'll have to tell my children (8, 7, 5) they're too old to wake with (Just in the last 3 days) nightmares, sore tummies, feeling sick, etc.

FelixTitling · 08/10/2014 23:02

My post wasn't meant to be mean, and I'm genuinely sorry about your little one. I can only imagine what that's like to go through.

QuintessentiallyQS · 08/10/2014 23:03

Do you seriously think she should just roll over in bed and continue sleeping while her partner struggles with not just night time troubles, but getting them all ready in the morning? In the evening, there are three kids who needs supervision, taking from school, sports/activities, who might need help with homework. Should she have no part in this?

Original poster

butterytoastandmarmalade · 08/10/2014 23:04

I think the point is, it isn't a one off because of a teenage drama or a wet bed.

And, even if that WAS the case, the children do have a SAHP to pick up the slack as it were.

To be honest I am easygoing enough but I did think that, as I said in my OP, she's pushing it with 'the kids' as an excuse, making it sound like she is woken up ten times a night by toddlers and babies and she isn't!

They spend 3 nights a week with their dad anyway!

OP posts:

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 08/10/2014 23:04

Being occasionally late because of your kids is acceptable.

In this case the colleague has been late so often that it prompted a chat with the boss. Unless there are serious issues with the DC then it is just poor time management.

And ffs stop asking OP if she has kids; read her posts.

QuintessentiallyQS · 08/10/2014 23:05

But you dont know for sure that she is lying, and in reality living the life of Riley with 3 kids that cause no problems, are not sick, and need no support from her. So all you can really do is let it go and nod sagely.

FrontForward · 08/10/2014 23:05

Buttery so sorry for your loss.

I don't think having children of that age means you can start work late very day without consequence so YANBU

FrontForward · 08/10/2014 23:06

And this And ffs stop asking OP if she has kids; read her posts

Original poster

butterytoastandmarmalade · 08/10/2014 23:07

Quin, I'm guessing you DO have kids!

Are you honestly late, every single day, for work because of them?

No?

Do any of you think this is acceptable? It's a minor annoyance for me but it really massively impacts on others.

Like I say we all accept occasionally stuff happens or you have a bad night but not every day!

Lougle - you know, I've not been rude. I think this thread is just going to go a bit ridiculous now to be honest.

But next time you snarl at someone that they don't have children in an attempt to prove they lack empathy, understanding and kindness actually ALL you're showing is that that is what YOU lack.

It's a pretty foul thing to say to somebody actually.

OP posts:

FelixTitling · 08/10/2014 23:09

No one's saying that you not having children is a slur on your character.

You're judging someone's situation without really knowing what's involved.

It's for your colleague and manager to work out.

Original poster

butterytoastandmarmalade · 08/10/2014 23:11

No, I'm saying she's pushing it a bit with that excuse. Hardly the same as 'she is a terrible person and awful at her job.'

I think people are saying it's a slur on your character, think about it - it isn't used in a complimentary way, is it?

OP posts:

FelixTitling · 08/10/2014 23:13

fwiw, I have been late everyday for the last 6 years. I can't drop my kids off at school any earlier than 7.45. which makes me late by 5-20 mins depending on traffic. I have to leave at 2.45 or I won't make it back home and I cant afford afterschool care.

I've arranged to flex my time and work a few hours a week from home.

Maybe you could suggest such a solution to her.

QuintessentiallyQS · 08/10/2014 23:13

I do have kids yes. 2, not 3. I dont have step kids. My friend struggles more with her step son (now 20) than her own two daughters (9 and 12). This has been the case since she got together with his dad, and not even when her two daughters were born were they causing as much trouble as he. The dynamic can be very different when you are not a birth parent. She may not cope, for various reasons. Maybe the children are not settled and causing step parent related problems every day. I dont know. Perhaps you dont know either. But late every day? No, that sounds unreasonable.

Original poster

butterytoastandmarmalade · 08/10/2014 23:16

Such a decision doesn't rest with me but in certain lines of work it isn't possible as I'm sure you'll appreciate.

It's a minor annoyance to me but the night staff have to wait for her to show up, and some of them have kids they want to get back to if we are playing the worthiest game. It really isn't fair on them, and I wouldn't patronise them by getting indignant on their behalf as I don't know them but just as you'd be cross if you had to stay an extra half hour to forty minutes after your shift, it doesn't really thrill them either!

OP posts:

2Bemused · 08/10/2014 23:19

If you are her manager, cut some slack for a while, but with a clear indication that she must get her act together.
If you are not her manager, get off the case.
Speaking as a step-mummy who took her step-son to work one day because his father assumed I would do childcare.

SallyMcgally · 08/10/2014 23:20

YANBU.
If it were a one-off or even occasionally that would be different, but having kids in house is not a good enough reason to be late persistently.
Nor are you being unreasonable to point out that you've had some hurtful responses.
I'm really sorry to hear about your little boy xx

Pico2 · 08/10/2014 23:24

Honestly OP - there is an element of drip feeding in your posts. It wasn't clear from your first post that this is a regular occurrence, there is a SAHP, that the night shift have to wait for her to arrive etc. This is all relevant stuff and might have reduced some of the harsher responses you've had if you had included it at the start.

Blessedandgrateful · 08/10/2014 23:41

Ridiculous post.

OP I'm sorry you won't have children.

But you really must not judge parents when you have no experience of the trials and tribulations.

It's very short sighted of you to think that post night feeds , that mornings are a breeze.

They aren't .

Children and teens have often been ill in the night, had nightmares, parents have not slept , parents might not have slept due to worries over teenage children , parents may not have slept over worries for their disabled children , children are often still very tired in the morning ... Tearful , uncooperative , won't get dressed , won't eat , this all means that getting out of the house on time is difficult.
And then do you think on top of all that that all school age children walk into school easily ?
There can be tears at the gate, issues to solve with teachers by the time working mums reach work they have done the work of United Nations.
My poor colleague has been late attending work because his 15 yr old has got sleep apnoea and he sits over her at night waiting for her to go into respiratory arrest .... He is very private and has told hardly a soul so he would be at the mercy of judgments like yours.

SallyMcgally · 09/10/2014 01:22

Oh for heavens' sake, blessed. By your reckoning it's reasonable for anyone who has a child, regardless of their age, to be persistently late for work. The example you give is extreme and highly unusual. And you have the nerve to call the OP's post ridiculous.

And it's really unpleasant to tell her that she can't judge parents. Of course she can when their behaviour is having an impact on her working environment. I have children and stepchildren. Yes - it's an effort sometimes in the morning. You deal with it. Why should your colleagues have to shoulder the consequences?

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/10/2014 01:32

YANBU. If she is persistently late and it means others have to extend their shift to cover she needs to be pulled up on that and deal with it.

Her comment is ridiculous, rude and irrelevant.

zoemaguire · 09/10/2014 01:33

The bit about you not having kids sounds mean given your sad experience, but the fact remains that your expectations of the sleep of a 5yo are way off. Our dd1 at that age went through a phase of asking at least 3 or 4 times a night terrified of monsters/ghosts, and needing talking back to calm every time. I can't tell you how often I thought 'this isn't how 5yo sleep is supposed to be', but in the real world, unfortunately a 5yo can give you as many broken nights as a newborn. And if the kids live with her, then it is entirely likely that she is taking her share of wakings.

zoemaguire · 09/10/2014 01:34

Whether that is a good excuse for lateness is of course a different question altogether!

PhaedraIsMyName · 09/10/2014 01:35

And Blessed so much over egging of the pudding in your post. It's amazing any parent gets to work at all. (And yes I was a full time working parent from when son was 3 months old)

Whippet81 · 09/10/2014 03:08

Being repeatedly late/leaving early because you have children (step or your own ) whatever age is not acceptable.

The trouble is people play the 'kids' card too many times and other staff become resentful - we have staff at work who will say the 'well I have children' entitlement card to swan in and out as they please.

If you agree to work certain hours you need to be able to. Whatever your situation.

Most people are happy to give school holidays over to parents and are understanding when phone calls happen and little ones have fallen over etc but over and over again I see people late every day or deciding they are leaving early on certain days - if you put something in place re flexible working then absolutely fine but not just see it as a right in your core hours.

I keep seeing staff members landed with others work for the day or afternoon - not just occasionally but twice weekly with some staff.

It doesn't do working parents any justice whatsoever (and yes - I am one).

MexicanSpringtime · 09/10/2014 04:13

There are always slackers, IMHO, in any workplace, but at the same time, people who don't have children or a SAHP really have no idea of the problems involved.

I got a warning in one job because I had to take time off when my 6-year-old had chicken pox, and I actually went into work and left her alone when she was slightly on the mend.
Then I lost another job because they suddenly demanded that work that I could perfectly well do at home and had been doing at home should be done in the office during the school holidays. I actually was doing more than the required hours as it was and that was provable.

Another job, where the people were lovely, kept on scheduling meetings for 8 pm. at night.

So maybe she is a slacker and she is certainly giving working parents a bad name, but it is hard to coordinate looking after children and the demands of work.

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