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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Am I being unreasonable to be upset!

39 replies

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 15:51

Hello! Me and my hubby are having trouble! For a while we use to fight all the time when I finished uni and was looking for work then we had a massive burst up and his mum got involved and we made up and didn't fight again for ages until recently we keep fighting and nick picking at each other and this morning it just blew up. His mum mediated and made it better because she knows what he is like she took my side. He just makes me mad cause I'm still waiting for my DBS to come through before I can start work, I'm still at home and he just treats me like a maid I'm sick of him telling me what to do and when I've done it complaining I haven't done it right I'm sick of him putting me down all the time and just treating me like the bloody house maid and as if I am stupid. I've told him millions of times how I feel and he just say I have n pride in myself or my belongings and then he comes out with things like it’s his house I have to earn my keep whilst I'm no helping with money! He doesn't treat me like a girlfriend more like a lodger. I get up with him at 6 to make his breakfast for him whilst he gets ready for work. I turned the tap on and it got water all over the top and I knew he’d go mad so I wiped it up and most of missed some cause when he went down I heard him go “oh for f**k sake” then shout up have you turned the tap on today and I knew he'd go mad so I said no so he walks up stairs and goes that needs cleaning up Natasha I thought what you stood there saw it would have taken a second to do instead you order me to do it so I told him where to go cause I was already mad at him cause we'd have a mini fall out before that so he says to me clean it up or don’t even think about using the tooth paste cause I bought it can you believe it then he wanted to take my phone and laptop to pay him back. He also told me to go and die and hopes I get murdered just before he left and that if I was still here when he got back he'd ring the police. I am scared of upsetting him or making him mad not because he'll hit me or physically hurt me but he'll make me feel small. Am I being really petty?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/10/2014 15:54

No you are not being petty.

He is being abusive

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 08/10/2014 15:54

If you're serious, and telling the truth, I think it's time to think about leaving him.

beautyfades · 08/10/2014 15:57

Get rid love .

Charitybelle · 08/10/2014 15:59

You need to leave, now. And although he sounds abusive the most pressing reason us because he has told you to leave or he will call the police. Get your stuff, get out, you can sort anything else out later. Whether or not he hits you, he sounds like he doesn't like you any more let alone care for you!

Also, maybe ask MMHQ to move to relationships, you need support and advice not a chorus of YANBU responses.

PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 16:00

If he's told you to go then go. You clearly need to get out that relationship, he sounds like a nasty piece of shit. Have you family or friends you can go to and figure out a way to get a place of your own?

Flowers for you OP, hope it works out

gamerchick · 08/10/2014 16:01

Erm no you are not, your bloke is a knob. Not letting you use the toothpaste? Hmm

So basically he's kicking you out?

PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 16:04

Is he your husband or your boyfriend? You've called him both so I'm a bit confused. If he's your husband and you both share a house (with your name on the lease/deeds) then take his clothes and put them in a bag/suitcase, put them in the garden, call a family member or friend over and don't let him in when he gets home.

If he's a boyfriend then tbh I think it'll be easier for you to just take what you need and get out of there ASAP. He's already told you to go and said he'll call the police if you're still there when he gets home so effectively your relationship is over, said by him

PatriciaHolm · 08/10/2014 16:04

He's an abusive arse. Normal relationships are not like this. Please don't put up with it any longer, or it may well be physical abuse before long.

Is he husband or boyfriend? Either way you need to get rid.

Wailywaily · 08/10/2014 16:08

Please leave him, now.
This relationship, from your description, is not going to get any better. Your hubby sounds like a very unpleasant man.

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 16:14

Oh he is my fiancé I was going to write hubby to be but was thinking faster then I could write! I don't actually think he meant he will ring the police he was just sounding off! I've never really thought about it being abusive I've just always thought its him being him and that I am overreacting. I've never used MumsNet before so I wasn't sure where to post but thank you for helping but my mind at rest!

OP posts:
DontTurnAround · 08/10/2014 16:16

No YANBU. Leave now. How old are you? You sound very young?

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 16:17

I'm 24. Sorry I'm new to mumsnet what does YANBU mean?

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 16:22

It means you are not being unreasonable hun

Sweetpea01 · 08/10/2014 16:22

YANBU - You are not being unreasonable

Does he often do this, was he extra stressed for some reason?

It's not an excuse though. He should not be treating you this way.

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 16:26

Ah right thank you that makes sense now!

No he is often like this about small or big things it doesn't take much for him to start complaining like if I haven't made him a cup of tea after work once he didn't speak to me for two days because I hadn't!

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 16:31

Leave him then, just pack some stuff and go. You're not happy, he's not happy, do you honestly see yourself spending your life with him?

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 16:34

Honestly I don't anymore!

OP posts:
Charitybelle · 08/10/2014 16:38

This makes me really sad because I can already feel you backtracking, making excuses for him and rationalising his behaviour.
Refusing to speak to you for two days over a cup of tea is completely unreasonable. At best this is just a bad relationship with a knob jockey who has no respect for you. At worst he is a emotionally abusive man who is breaking doe your self esteem and may at some point work his way towards physical violence. From what you've told us I don't think either of these us an overreaction, and I'm not usually in the LTB (leave the bastard) camp on these threads. Honestly, please get some space from this man, even if it's just temporarily, get some objectivity on the situation, then you might see how bonkers his behaviour is!

youareallbonkers · 08/10/2014 16:39

Most of the post is about clearing up and not leaving a mess and then right a the end you add he hopes you are murdered and you are scared???

Are you married or not? Either way, ditch him!

Charitybelle · 08/10/2014 16:39

'Down' not doe!

OfaFrenchMind · 08/10/2014 16:42

I think this is a doozie. He can't stand you, you cannot cope with him. Why are you still thinking of him as your fiance? Go away, you had ample warnings not to marry this bastard.

It's not a matter of being upset (as you should be), it's a matter of not falling victim of an abusive prick that is not even waiting until you get hitched to attack you. Leave. No excuses.

Vitalstatistix · 08/10/2014 16:46

It is easier to walk away now, when he is simply your boyfriend, than in 10 years time when you made the HUGE mistake of marrying him and the even more HUGE mistake of having children with him.

Time will not improve him.

Marriage will not improve him.

This man, right here, the one who threatens you? That's the life you're signing up for.

Please make a different choice. He's not worth it. NOBODY is worth that.

Natty90 · 08/10/2014 16:48

That mostly what it is about stupid cleaning and petty things I am not a messy person and do look after myself and my home! I am not scared of him hurting me just what he said really hurt I wouldn't wish anyone dead, it was just his words that got me! He is my fiancé I meant to write hubby to be. Thank you for your advice I really do appreciate it and you have helped me sort my mind out properly :)

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 08/10/2014 16:50

You are trying to rationalise his behaviour, which means you are probably not ready to leave him yet. He sounds like an absolute cunt, to be frank, and he'd try that sort of shit with me once.

He is abusive and sounds like a vile person who likes to lord it over you because he works. Please do not marry this man. Leave and don't look back.

OfaFrenchMind · 08/10/2014 16:51

He tells you he wishes you dead... That's not a tiff, that's pure abuse.
The only thing you have to sort out is where to go, who will help you, and which association is nearby you.