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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letting a 3 year old girl sleep in the same bed as her ex 'uncle'?

46 replies

rebelfor · 08/10/2014 10:19

In brief: A friend of my partner was in a relationship with a woman for around 8 years. She already had a child and they had a child together.

Shortly before they split up his girlfriend's sister had a baby girl, so she was around 4 months old when they separated.

3 years later, this friend saw the sister whilst shopping and cooed over the little girl, saying 'he'd missed her' Hmm (even though he hadn't seen her since she was 4 months!)

The mother of the little girl then said ''oh you can have her on Saturday if you want, I've been invited out and can't get a babysitter?''.
So on Saturday, the little girl arrived at a strangers house (granted her 9 year old cousin was there) and the little girl slept in the double bed of this man...

AIBU in thinking it is totally irresponsible of A) the mother for allowing her daughter to be looked after by a man she only knew through having a relationship with her sister and B) him for putting himself in what could be a 'dangerous' situation?

I certainly wouldn't be packing my child off to a virtual stranger so I could get out.

OP posts:
fragolino · 08/10/2014 10:22

yes its worrying.

KnackeredMuchly · 08/10/2014 10:24

Wow, that's awful Sad

PrivateJourney · 08/10/2014 10:29

So the man is the mother's ex BIL? (almost, as they weren't married)

Doesn't it depend how long and how well the mother knew her sister's ex? My sister has been with her partner about 8 years. I would quite happily leave my DC with him overnight. I think my sister would leave her DC with DH too.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 10:30

Yes it is worrying. Can you contact NSPCC for advice!

Fabulassie · 08/10/2014 10:32

3-year-olds can sleep very comfortably on a couch!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 08/10/2014 10:32

On the face of it I would find it odd, however, maybe the 9yo cosleeps with dad and they just all bunked in together? Dad, then his dd, then the 3yo? Id not think twice of a 9yo bunking in with one of her parents, and id not think twice about an aunt cosleeping with her own daughter and her neice, so I am trying to be open minded about it.

Id need to know more around the whole thing.

GilesGirl · 08/10/2014 10:35

The fact he's a man doesn't bother me, as I would assume the mum knows him.

But the fact the 3yo doesn't know him means I wouldn't do it. When my child was 3 there was no way he'd have been able to do that.

BitchPeas · 08/10/2014 10:35

Yanbu Shock

I can't quite work out what was going on in either of their minds Confused

PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 10:37

So the man had his dd (who is the girls cousin) staying with him, and you think it's wrong for them to share a bed with her cousins dad?

On the face of it, sharing a bed with a man other than your own father seems weird, yes, but not every male is a pedophile and I think you shouldn't get involved in this. It's not your family, you don't know the man and there may be absolutely nothing to be concerned about. If there was any concerns I'm sure the family wouldn't leave their children with this man

Original poster
rebelfor · 08/10/2014 10:38

I believe he saw the sister on occasion when he was in the relationship, but she's quite younger than the man's partner so they weren't particularly close, and he hadn't seen her since until seeing her whilst out shopping.

His own 9 year old son sleeps at his house every week and slept in his own room, the little girl got in with the dad in his room. I just find it odd to be honest, the little girl doesn't know him?

OP posts:
NewEraNewMindset · 08/10/2014 10:38

Regardless of whether this man is a safe babysitter or not, WTF is going through the Mothers mind to think this was the right thing to do? I am horrified that she would take so little care of her three year olds safety Sad

NewEraNewMindset · 08/10/2014 10:41

Oh FFS if I see one more bloody post on this board telling people 'not to get involved' I swear I'm going to start venting steam. Please please please get involved, always get involved when you are worried. If it wasn't for concerned people expressing concern so much more child abuse would be staying under the radar.

BarbarianMum · 08/10/2014 10:47

If he knows he's not a pedophile, then he's done nothing wrong and is open to claims of abuse just by looking after her.

But as for the mother - words fail me. One step short of asking random strangers to take care of her child.

DialsMavis · 08/10/2014 10:47

There are quite a few men who I would be happy to share a bed with my 3 year old poor them tbh, but this is just so wrong. Wtf?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 10:49

Why would an adult especially a man would want to put himself in that position.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 10:52

Dh shares a bed occasionally with dd7 if I have gotten up, but would not be happy sharing a bed with his sister or brothers chikdren.

DialsMavis · 08/10/2014 10:52

I agree aerogirl, the people I would be happy for my child to share a bed with almost certainly would not do it.... Unless in an emergency with a hysterical or sick child

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 11:04

I agree dials. Not all men are paedophiles, but most paedophiles are men.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 11:04

That's a fact!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 11:05

This man is not related, he's a stranger, why should he want to do this!

Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 11:10

Yanbu most men would say no and put her in her own bed! As most would feel uncomfy with this.

gentlehoney · 08/10/2014 12:24

It sounds as if the mother is having problems if she will happily send her daughter off to a stranger.
How did you come to hear of the bed sharing? Is it because the mother was worried, or did she mention it casually?

handcream · 08/10/2014 12:32

I think its a case of once again a women putting her needs before anyone else's including the child, ignore any red flags or seeing this as something strange. As long as she gets her night out that will be fine!

I am prepared to be flamed but this is because there are short lived relationships, kids having kids, young girls thinking they would really like a baby and not recognising what is involved and then because they are the most important thing in their own life dumping their 3 year old on any old person without thinking it through.

handcream · 08/10/2014 12:34

Gentle - problems? Or just plain stupid?

gentlehoney · 08/10/2014 12:38

Handcream, I have always thought that when a mother puts her own needs before her child's and puts them in danger it is usually because they are having difficulties with mental health or have perhaps become overwhelmed?

I think it would be very unusual for someone to simply not care.

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