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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting a 3 year old girl sleep in the same bed as her ex 'uncle'?

46 replies

rebelfor · 08/10/2014 10:19

In brief: A friend of my partner was in a relationship with a woman for around 8 years. She already had a child and they had a child together.

Shortly before they split up his girlfriend's sister had a baby girl, so she was around 4 months old when they separated.

3 years later, this friend saw the sister whilst shopping and cooed over the little girl, saying 'he'd missed her' (even though he hadn't seen her since she was 4 months!)

The mother of the little girl then said ''oh you can have her on Saturday if you want, I've been invited out and can't get a babysitter?''.
So on Saturday, the little girl arrived at a strangers house (granted her 9 year old cousin was there) and the little girl slept in the double bed of this man...

AIBU in thinking it is totally irresponsible of A) the mother for allowing her daughter to be looked after by a man she only knew through having a relationship with her sister and B) him for putting himself in what could be a 'dangerous' situation?

I certainly wouldn't be packing my child off to a virtual stranger so I could get out.

OP posts:

Fluffy40 · 08/10/2014 12:49

Very strange man, if he was her dad that's fine but an ex uncle, no way

handcream · 08/10/2014 13:03

There are plenty of people who dont care. The two scum bags who burgled our house last year and beat up the dog. They really didnt care.

So, if something had happened to the young girl that would be OK because the mother was overwhelmed!!

Well that's Ok then

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 13:05

Gentlehoney that may be the case, but it is frightening to think that yes some parents do not care, hence the abuse that goes on. Yes this man is a stranger to both the mother and child, he has not seen them since she was 4 months old, and she is 3 now. What the hell is she thinking! Better be with a strange adult, than to be left alone mabey!

NewEraNewMindset · 08/10/2014 13:12

Hand cream, never a truer word spoken I'm afraid.

gentlehoney · 08/10/2014 13:17

Handcream, I never for a moment said or thought that it would be "ok" because the mother was overwhelmed or for any other reason, but I do think it indicates deeper problems than stupidity or thoughtlessness and I agree with Aeroflotgirl's advice to contact the NSPCC. (urgently).
I don't think condemning parents who make mistakes helps either them or the children, and most problems can be addressed, as long as the proper authorities are alerted.

I am so sorry you had to go through that burglary and attack, Handcream. It must have been horrific. I don't think you ever fully get over something like that do you?

I do hope your dog has recovered?

gentlehoney · 08/10/2014 13:20

Aeroflot, yes. I agree that it is very worrying indeed which is why I mentioned that the mother my have deeper problems and need help.
It is way beyond ordinary selfishness and very concerning.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 13:23

Op should contact the NSPCC and see what they say and how to proceed.

jollygoose · 08/10/2014 13:23

YANBU no no no I cannot believe any sane mother would leave her child in such a vulnerable position.

PrivateJourney · 08/10/2014 13:23

Handcream, I think there are lots of people who don't care about others, like your burglars but I do think it's very unusual for mothers not to care.

Some get it terribly wrong but there are almost always circumstances that mean they couldn't see another way forward rather than they actually didn't care.

That doesn't make it OK, not at all but it's rarely because the mother didn't care.

DaughterDilemma · 08/10/2014 13:31

YANBU it's odd for the mother to just hand her 3 year old over like that but it's not odd for a child to stay with her uncle and cousin.

The thing to check is what the girl thought about it. You would need to talk to her to work out whether it was a problem or not before you pick up the phone to social services.

Hexu2 · 08/10/2014 13:32

I'm surprised in this day and age the guy didn't think - hmm this isn't the best idea.

I could perhaps see that not happening if his own DD was there in bed- but that not in the OP and even so I'd have thought a hmm is this a good idea would have kicked in at some point.

I'm also very surprised the mother friend seemed so eagerly quick to leave the DC with people she doesn't really know and the DC doesn't know at all.

I also wonder how the OP knows all the details - if the friend told her it's odd the the friend thought this was acceptable behaviour enough to share it so casually even including the bed sharing.

All very odd and disturbing.

YANBU

Hexu2 · 08/10/2014 13:35

My DC don't see much of their uncle it's been a few years - and I wouldn't be happy them sharing a bed with him or DSIS exP even if their cousin was there.

handcream · 08/10/2014 13:39

I have to disagree Private. Some get it terribly wrong - as in they put their kids in danger and its OK because they couldnt think of a better way of doing it. Really??

gentlehoney · 08/10/2014 13:40

Daughterdilemma, I think it is best for social services to decide if it is a problem or not rather than ask the mother.
Hopefully they will make sure the child will be protected in future and offer support if it is needed.

bakingaddict · 08/10/2014 13:42

I think for some mothers it is possible for them to be cavalier about their child's safety if it suit's their needs.

Probably the mother justified it to herself by thinking of this guy as 'almost family' while being able to go out and party. It's sad for those of us who do place an importance on our childrens' safety to acknowledge that there are mothers like this, but unfortunately they do exist and in significant numbers. All those children referred to SS's and dealt with by the NSPCC must have mothers in some form and I don't think every case is due to MH issues of the mother. Sadly their are just selfish people in this world

bakingaddict · 08/10/2014 13:43

there are not their are

PrivateJourney · 08/10/2014 13:44

No, I said it's absolutely not OK but they don't do it because they don't care but because they are so overwhelmed they can't see another way. Really really not OK and they need lots of help and support but it really isn't that they don't care about the child.

DaughterDilemma · 08/10/2014 13:46

Daughterdilemma, I think it is best for social services to decide if it is a problem or not rather than ask the mother.

Sorry I meant ask the child, not the mother. Preferably in front of the mother. You can do this in a casual way without it being an interrogation. If the mother tries to interject then there is a problem.

Simatmum · 08/10/2014 13:51

Responsible, protective 'uncles' would never dream of putting a child in this position. He should not have made such a rash decision in response to her irresponsible offer for him to have the child to stay.

handcream · 08/10/2014 13:53

We all see young girls with no thoughts to the consequences having a child for all sorts of reasons, I think we need to ramp up education in school regarding this. it should not be seen as Ok to have a child with no visible means of support

Tin hat at the ready (and it probably isnt relevant to this one) but if you choose to have a child and you are under the age of 18 the choice is stay at home with your family or be offered a mother and baby home where you will be supported and taught a skill, you should not think its a way of getting a council home quickly or to avoid working and taking responsibility for what YOU hav chosen to do.

The more we start to excuse people, she was upset, she/he had anger management issues, she just wanted a night out (again!) and that's why she left children alone, she was jealous of people who seemed to have more than her and it goes on and on.

The two lads who burgled our house were caught and told the police they thought it wasnt fair that we had a nice house. So, whilst my DH and I were out at work they decided to trash it. Well, that's OK then. They couldnt see that working hard could get you nice things. They are scum and I really cannot excuse and forgive what they did. I wanted to meet them tbh but the police suggested it wasnt a good idea.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 14:30

I totally agree baking, they don't necessarily have to have MH problems, simply selfish, and thoughtless. Leaving a child with a stranger especially a male one is not on, she us putting her vulnerable child at risk. No decent adult would look after a strangers child, and out himself in such a position. One questions his motives.

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