What do I do in this situation? I am lost

[Fryingpan2fire]

Hi there.

I am 3 months into a new job which I like. However I am also several months into counselling dealing with sexual abuse in my childhood, and it is at a very difficult point. I can't concentrate on my job, I feel like a rubbish employee, and my line manager is starting to notice. My head just feels so full all of the time, like I am constantly working to calm myself down and convince myself I will be ok and can get out the other side. With the result I am distracted and cannot focus. It's starting to make me dread my work.

I have no idea what to do. Should I try to tell someone at work? We don't have a HR dept. My line manager is a very kind woman though, and from a previous conversation I know she used to volunteer in some capacity at a rape crisis centre. I feel it is unprofessional to disclose something so personal, but it is the truth. The way it is affecting me means I'm not being properly professional anyway

What would you do?

Personally, if you feel you can, I would share this information with her. With no HR it is a little more difficult, but as a Manager I would prefer to understand and support you, rather than think you were under performing with no reason.

I would definitely not say anything as it will go down on a record somewhere and follow you around. You say you are vulnerable no matter how nice your line manager is she might gossip, or write it down where someone else might gossip.

Can you just say you are having counselling which is causing you some emotional distress?

If it's affecting your work then you should talk to your manager. You don't need to explain the specifics, just tell her you're getting councelling for a traumatic event that happened when you were young and it's beginning to make life difficult and you dread coming into work. At least that way she knows of the situation and may cut you some slack instead of assuming you're not fit for the job and take disciplinary action. Good luck OP and hope you feel better soon

Where I am at the moment, dealing with the abuse itself, I really couldn't care less if people want to gossip. Their mindless gossip is nothing to the horrors inside my memory at the moment, plus it would say more about them than me.

But if it would actually cause my workplace to think I was going to be too big a liability long term (eg if they think I will be anxious and depressed for ages) and therefore want to get rid of me, that would make me hesitate. If I lost my job, have to go on benefits and accept that I'm not fit for employment because of all this baggage - that makes me despair, that's letting abuse win.

I know.

It's at the stage where it's affecting my health. I kept having to rush to the loo to gag yesterday, and was sick once, so I didn't get a full days work done. It's not a bug or food poisoning etc, it was being overwhelmed by memories.

I would tell your manager. You don't have to disclose personal details but you will be protecting yourself if you do so. If your current performance causes them to get rid of you, then you have no legal recourse. However if you have explained that you're having personal issues (which may perhaps even be classed as MH because if the counselling) then it would be much more difficult for them to get rid of you legally.
On another level, I'm sure your manager would appreciate the honesty and it might help her to support you better at work, thus potentially improving your day to day life?
Also, be sure to follow up any convo you gave in writing, not with specifics, just clarifying what you have discussed, so it's all documented. Although you don't have an HR dept, you can get free impartial advice from ACAS about any employment issues.

Could you talk it through with your counsellor? They might have some experience of helping clients in your position and offer some ideas on how to approach it as well as some suggestions for practical ways your workplace could support you.

I'd speak to your counsellor and ask for advice on how to manage it. Regardless of how nice your manager is, she will be bound by certain employment considerations and that may impact on how she has to respond. I'd also consider being signed off sick for a period of time.

It's not that you're not fit for employment indefinitely but this is a very difficult time for you and ultimately it's important that you are gentle with yourself and don't put yourself under too much pressure.

I'd speak to your counsellor too. They must have seen people before who were working through counselling at the same time as having to hold down a job; they'll have some insight.

If or when you do tell your boss, you needn't go into detail about what you're in counselling for. I wouldn't, personally; I'd keep it quite vague.

I think you should say you are going through a difficult time that is personal. And you are having counselling and you are finding it really traumatic and you're sorry your work has suffered. I don't think you need to tell the work manager any details of why you are having counselling. And in any event you might regret it later. IMHO only of course. You have to do what you feel is best for you. You could ask the counsellor what they think.

I would speak to your employer rather than your counsellor, as he/she cannot sign you off / make allowances at work for you.

I would say that you are having some time-limited counselling

(if pushed I'd go no further than to say 'a childhood trauma' as it will stay on your work record possibly. This employer sounds very empathic but they are not all like that)

and that, whilst it is helping, the process is making you tired.
You anticipate it being concluded in the near future.

You are conscious that you do not want your work to suffer and would like her advice.

What Mindreader said. Also, i have had counselling and re the overwhelming thoughts and thinking you wont come out the other side, cognitive behavioural therapy works, it really, really does - 1. write it all down, all of it, in any order. That gets it out.

2, Then when you are calmer write down every worry, no order needed. Then imagine a kind friend saying, thats a worst case scenario, in reality what could happen is .... and write down a challenge or solution to your negative thought. I was totally sceptical when my counsellor suggested this but the sheer relief re spilling it out and the challenging your thoughts : which are spiralling out of control because you are in the tsunami of feelings and not normal yourself , WILL work. I still do it now if things get on top of me in other areas of life when i know i am gettingoverhwlemed.

Your linemanager sounds kinds and you need say no more than childhood trauma . Maybe working from home a couple of days a week would help you feel more in control as well, stressing that you like your job and showing that you are actively looking for a solution to solve things ??

Thank you.

I think I might have to ask to be signed off sick for a week.

Working from home I tried but still doing the bare minimum just the same as if I was in the office.

We have to keep a work diary accounting for our time and I have not nearly enough to put in it this week. I want to cry and run away.

Frying pan. Ask to be signed off. For a couple of weeks to a month. You don't need to explain why to your work other than hand in the doctors note.

You cannot work and deal with what you are going through. I've been there, still am to a degree. No matter what you say it will be an extra worry for you. Take some time out.

Ask to be signed off sick. Your mental health has to come first, and the pressure to perform at work is clearly exacerbating the stress. You are brave to be confronting such difficult memories and taking these steps to get better. If you take the time to process everything now, you will be stronger to work in the long term. If you're being sick at work - you're sick. It doesn't matter what the root cause is, the psychological and physical are often blurred. Wishing you strength in dealing with all this. You are right in the thick of it now but it will get better.

If its a larger company btw you may well find free counselling or a free & confidential 24hr employee help line for mental health issues. I've contracted a lot in HR so thought it worth mentioning. Maybe time off then a phased return is your best option if working from home hasnt helped. The company i work for now has just bought in all of the above and i would say 70--80% of the large companies int he South now have th same or if not, a defined mental health approach and/or policy where before t here was none.

It's a small company, nothing like those resources available. I really like it but am so battered by the emotional stuff in my personal life I feel like I hate it at times because of the pressure. hope that makes sense.

If I offer to take unpaid leave, does that sound reasonable? I want to make it as attractive as possible for them to keep my job open for me rather than just letting me go.

Yes, sorry I meant that I will ask for some time to talk.

You can self certify for one week then you need to see your GP (who might well be reluctant to sign you off for a huge length of time as it often is then hard to get back). But would a week help?