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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too feel trapped because I already dumped him once.

35 replies

YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:03

Made a mistake with ex, left it long enough to forget the bad bits but now really regret getting back together. He's quite attatched to DS (we were together a few years) and was so glad we were back together.

I was but after a few weeks it's hit me like a juggernaut in the face. I feel terrible. He'll be really hurt and mutual friends who were already shocked we were back together will think I'm the wicked bitch of the west Hmm

AHHHHHH.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:04

(It's not something we can work on, he's trying quite hard but I still just feel irritated all the time by his childish view on life which he swore he'd changed).

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 08/10/2014 10:06

Theres no rule that says that you can't dump him twice. Make a list of the reasons why and if you are tempted to do the back slide again in the future read it first. He hasn't changed and you don't need to spend your life with him just because of what other may or may not think.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:08

Strikethrough fail.

I would never take an ex back again. Stupid move on my part. Trying not to beat myself up over it too much, first serious long term relationship so I guess everyone's done similar at least once.

He's a total victim in everything though so it'll be paiiiinfull.

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Purplepoodle · 08/10/2014 10:11

Could you try relate counselling so even if you dump him people can't say you didn't try!

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:12

He knows something's up. I've been stressed about other things but I can't blame it on that forever.

Just want to go to bed for a week Wine

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Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:13

He wouldn't. He already said he wouldn't when we split before. It's for 'old married couples'.

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Rusticated · 08/10/2014 10:19

What other people think is completely irrelevant, OP. If you know you definitely don't want this relationship to continue, I wouldn't dream of going to counselling simply so that other people think you 'tried'!

I agree with a pp's suggestion that you write down a detailed list of why exactly he hasn't changed, and what about the relationship doesn't work for you, so you can steel your resolve in case you are tempted to drift back to him again in future. Good luck.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:20

Thanks.

It's more that I feel terrible about myself. I didn't know I'd feel like this or I'd have never tried again. Some things were said and done post split that whilst I can forgive I can't seem to forget and it's just changed the way I feel about him, permanently it seems.

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Rusticated · 08/10/2014 10:24

Look, you sound as if you know your own mind, which is great. It's making you unhappy, and you know it's over from your pov. Think how much better you'll feel once you act to end it. Don't beat yourself up about taking him back, but don't let one mistake dictate the future.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 10:27

True. He's meant to be coming over tomorrow and I just don't want to see him. I know it's not fair on him either now I know my heart's not in it but he won't see it that way. It'll be all "how dare you, don't you know i'm amazing etc etc" like the first time.

But then that's more of a reason to do it anyway.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2014 10:58

It's a horrendous thing to have to do. But you have to bite the bullet and tell him.

It's a sky dive - once you jump the momentum will carry you through and then you'll feel free, like you're flying Grin

Once it's done you'll feel so elated and liberated.

Just say you gave him another chance because he means a lot to you and you really wanted it to work but it isn't.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 11:29

Thank you. That actually really helps! Smile

I don't know how to explain it to him. But that's basically it. He did mean a lot to me and I did want it to work. It just hasn't/isn't. Not for me. I know it is for him but that's the way it's crumbled.

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MsVestibule · 08/10/2014 11:37

You have to dump him again. Leaving it any longer is only going to make things worse, you know that.

You say he is 'quite attached' to your DS; is he your DS's dad? If so, it's an odd way to describe the father/son relationship Confused. Did your P see him much when you were apart? How old is your DS? How do you think the split will affect him adversely?

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 11:40

Oh no, he's not his dad. He's been around since DS was 1 1/2 years old though. Only as a bystander though, never really helping a whole lot. DS is VERY close to his dad which is good. And he took it well when we split a few months back, probably because P wasn't that involved anyway. Nice and treated him fine but not hands on etc.

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Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 11:56

Not a good situation, I know.

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Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:10

Part of me feels I owe him something but I think that's just because it's how he acted when we were apart. I 'owed' him a second chance etc.

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diddl · 08/10/2014 12:12

He said he'd changed, he hasn't-his faultGrin!

ihatethecold · 08/10/2014 12:15

You don't owe him anything.
Move on. He will get over it.
Don't live with regrets an waste your life.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:16

That part is true. He is trying in a lot of ways but it just made me realize that it's his outlook on life in general/the fact he sounds like a late teen when he's older than me! And won't take responsibility for himself/his decisions/lack of progress in life but will whine about it as if it's someone else's fault etc. He's made an effort but he can't change the way he is fundamentally. And someone else wouldn't mind. But I do. I didn't realize it was literally just the way he was before. I thought if he made more effort I'd feel different but it's deeper than that.

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Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:17

And yeah, that sounds bitchy but it's how I feel. I don't respect him at all which is terrible really.

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Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:24

You're right. He will.

He got very melodramatic when we were apart, saying he couldn't live without us etc. But people go through break ups everyday. I'd want him to leave me if he felt the same way about me.

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MsVestibule · 08/10/2014 12:32

Seriously Yoni just finish the relationship. I don't think you're living with him(?), so no practical issues to sort out. Your DS won't be upset.

Apart from my DH, I got back with every single one of my exes. It never worked out - there were reasons why we originally split up, and strangely enough, those reasons didn't magically disappear while we were apart!

And as for his 'how dare you split up with me' reaction... I'd have a bit more sympathy if he was more 'darling, I just can't bear to live without you' which is exactly how any decent man should react to being dumped Grin.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:40

Thanks. Yeah his reaction was pretty entitled considering how crappy he'd been pre split when I told him I was splitting with him before. What did he expect. This time it's worse in a way becayse he has been trying but it is what it is.

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TiggyD · 08/10/2014 12:49

Dump him again. He'll be fine. He's had practice.

Original poster
YoniTheOnly · 08/10/2014 12:58

He revealed the other night he just knew I'd take him back so he never really accepted it, despite us being apart for quite a few months. All his gf's dump him, poor him etc. Well if you were the same in all your past relationships I'm not surprised...

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