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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and gifts

35 replies

BauerTime · 07/10/2014 08:49

MIL likes to buy people presents. She likes to spend what I consider quite alot of money. All fine, her choice what she spends her money on. BUT, she likes to say 'ill get you that for your birthday /Xmas, you get it and ill give you the money'.

My problem is that she says this, and then you have to chase her for the money. Sometimes she forgets, sometimes she has to wait till she gets paid (and then she forgets and spends her money and you have to wait until the next time she gets paid). Anyway, firstly I feel awkward asking for the money repeatedly, and secondly I/we then end up out of pocket for an unknown length of time until she can give us the money.

This has obviously cropped up again as its Xmas. If we fork out a couple of hundred (or maybe more) on her presents to DS and us, that she then cannot give us until some time after Xmas then we would have to use money we don't have to finance our own Xmas shopping.

WIBU tell her to buy it herself even though i suspect we will a) upset her, b) cause her to still spend large amounts but on useless things that are just more convenient for her to buy herself and c) never hear the end of it.

If we tell her not to buy us anything at all, it will be the same result. I cant even pretend we have bought it and then wait until she gives us the money as she comes to our house every week so will know we don't have it.

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 07/10/2014 08:51

Can you make a day when you go together, that way people get what they want and she pays there and then?

Sunflowersareblue · 07/10/2014 08:51

Just say no, we can't afford to do that. It's the ultimate laziness and making sure she gets double gratitude, once when you buy the present and once when you eventually get the money off her. Just say, no, we can't afford to do that anymore and repeat until she gets the message.
Everyone else manages to buy presents, why can't she.

Yama · 07/10/2014 08:54

You should not be made to feel guilty for saying no.

Only1scoop · 07/10/2014 08:54

Just say you aren't that sure what the dc might want so you've jotted out a small list just pick something off that.

Lazy when she leaves it all to you,

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 08:58

I think you have to be clear that your new policy is waiting until she takes you shopping, if she wants your input; or that you will be glad to accept whatever she chooses, whenever she does. These purchases you are making are not really her fault, spending your money is your decision no matter what she suggests or promises.

ShadowStar · 07/10/2014 08:59

YANBU.

Tell her you can't do that as you need your money now to buy your own Christmas presents for other people.

WeirdCatLady · 07/10/2014 09:02

I'd be happy to buy stuff that I actually wanted rather than get some random crap that she buys BUT make it clear that while you are happy to buy it on her behalf, you can't do it until the money actually turns up. Just tell her you don't have the spare cash so you'll just wait until she physically gives you the money.

musicalendorphins2 · 07/10/2014 09:23

Tell her you can't afford it, you are on a strict budget now and only can spend so much each week.

KnackeredMuchly · 07/10/2014 09:31

Sunflowersareblue is right - saying "Sorry, I can't afford to do that" is perfectly reasonable.

ShadowStar · 07/10/2014 09:42

I like WeirdCatLady's suggestion of saying you're happy to go out and buy the presents but you need the money from her first.

BlueBrightBlue · 07/10/2014 09:48

Why not ask for a gift voucher instead.

nomorecrumbs · 07/10/2014 09:50

That's bizarre. The whole point of gift-giving is the effort it takes in finding and getting the gift, isn't it? Not the monetary value.

MIL is being lazy.

FishWithABicycle · 07/10/2014 09:50

Just say "thank you that's lovely, but we'll buy it once we have the cash from you so that we can use our money for DC's presents"

Coughle · 07/10/2014 09:52

How awkward. Yeah, just say you can't afford to do that. It's the truth after all.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 09:53

Keep telling her no. You need the money and you cannot afford to do this. She obviously can't afford it herself!

LoonvanBoon · 07/10/2014 09:53

I also agree with Sunflowers - just say no, you can't afford it. Don't let her make it into your problem. If she says she won't have the money until after Christmas, just smile sweetly & tell her not to worry, you don't mind waiting for the presents until she has the money; after all, you don't want her spending money on you that she hasn't got.

It seems totally against the spirit of present-giving to make it into a hassle for the recipients - & even worse, to leave them out of pocket & having to ask to be reimbursed! I'd rather not have presents at all - either for me or the children - than have to deal with that shite.

MommyBird · 07/10/2014 09:59

YANBU!

My MIL did this all the time. It drove me mad. DH and I would go Christmas/Birthday shopping, put thought and effort into this then MIL would go 'i'll buy that off you for X' ..obviously the biggest one there. which would leave us a present down and she'd get all the glory for doing naff all.
Its the easiest and laziest way.

In the end we used to ask if she'd like to meet up and go shopping together for DD. She didn't want too beacuse of a thousand reasons. She still asked if she could X toy off us and we just said 'No. Shes been talking about 'this toy' for ages and we can't wait to see her face'
Then she just gave DD money.

Which was crap, how many 3 year olds get excited about paper on Christmas day?!

So i bit the bullet, had the money early, bought the toys, wrapped them and MIL had the glory.
But my DD was happy.

Could you do that?

quietbatperson · 07/10/2014 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindReader · 07/10/2014 10:03

My MIL is a bit like this too.
She sends a cheque for the children's birthdays as, (big martyred sigh) she'll 'never get it right herself'. She also sends a small thing to unwrap which is (often as not 'wrong') so I am glad she doesn't waste her money on duplicates which happened a lot when kids younger.

It's nice of her to send the £20 but she sends it a day or so before.
I cant then get out to 'buy something' in time.
I am disabled and nowhere near any shops.
I tend to bank it (it is always in my name for some reason) and give dc the money instead as he has something to unwrap from her.

She always encloses the cheque with a notelet saying: 'thankyou for doing my shopping for me'. Hmm

OP, if I was you I'd just say, "
sorry I cant afford to buy now and reimburse later as funds are very tight"

Cardriver · 07/10/2014 10:04

Just tell her to pop the money in a birthday/Christmas card and then you'll buy the gifts yourself once you have the dosh

Melawen · 07/10/2014 10:04

That's just shocking! I can understand it if it is difficult to think of ideas, but how difficult it is to hand over the cash!? It really does show a lack of thought and contempt. I second the idea of an Amazon wish list - all she has to do is point and click.

parakeet · 07/10/2014 10:05

"Sorry, we can't afford to do that, we just don't have the money," is a perfectly polite and reasonable thing to say.

aprilanne · 07/10/2014 10:05

i think you should just say sorry but we cant afford the money before hand .my beloved late mother always left me to pick the kids presents .but she would give me the money every month then i would buy the stuff .no problem ..she just wanted the children to have what they would have liked .because as she said when you get older you loose touch with what the young want .

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2014 10:15

Agreed - simplest to say 'oh money's a bit tight right now - it'd be better if you got if for us, there's no rush' or whatever.

However - i can see that would be less than a simple solution if that's not really a realistic situation. If you and she knows you're not totally scraping around for money every month and have a some spare money then i can see why you'd feel a bit funny saying ''we are literally too broke to go out and buy that''. That doesn't mean you should have to do it however! I agree it's lazy of her.

Perhaps you could just start to never get round to going and buying the item (too busy) and then - after she's left having not 'bought' you anything for the next few occasions (and she wont want that, that'll look bad) then she might start doing her own shopping.

Original poster
BauerTime · 07/10/2014 10:27

Ohh I thought I might get a bit of a pasting on this for being ungrateful but instead I'm pleased to see that IANU! Go me!

The Amazon wish list is a good idea in theory but she doesn't do computers so we would have to do it for her and so probably still end up paying.

Money in advance wouldn't work either as the issue seems to be that she is always a month behind so always has to owe you. DH's birthday was at the beginning of August and we are still waiting for the money for that, and she gets paid every 2 weeks.

I think someone upthread hit the nail on the head in that she clearly sees the gift as they monetary value more than the actual gift which totally goes against the spirit of gift giving in my book. I think she has an amount in mind that she wants to spend on each person and HAS to spend that amount.

OP posts:
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