MIL and gifts

[BauerTime]

MIL likes to buy people presents. She likes to spend what I consider quite alot of money. All fine, her choice what she spends her money on. BUT, she likes to say 'ill get you that for your birthday /Xmas, you get it and ill give you the money'.

My problem is that she says this, and then you have to chase her for the money. Sometimes she forgets, sometimes she has to wait till she gets paid (and then she forgets and spends her money and you have to wait until the next time she gets paid). Anyway, firstly I feel awkward asking for the money repeatedly, and secondly I/we then end up out of pocket for an unknown length of time until she can give us the money.

This has obviously cropped up again as its Xmas. If we fork out a couple of hundred (or maybe more) on her presents to DS and us, that she then cannot give us until some time after Xmas then we would have to use money we don't have to finance our own Xmas shopping.

WIBU tell her to buy it herself even though i suspect we will a) upset her, b) cause her to still spend large amounts but on useless things that are just more convenient for her to buy herself and c) never hear the end of it.

If we tell her not to buy us anything at all, it will be the same result. I cant even pretend we have bought it and then wait until she gives us the money as she comes to our house every week so will know we don't have it.

So perhaps the way to challenge this might be to say that DC have got their hearts set on xyz which is somewhere around the £x mark -obvioulsy pick something smaller than usual. If she says that she wants to spend more, or thinks that this isn't enough then you could say, you know we really have enough stuff but would really appreciate a contribution to DCs ISA. Then give her the details. She can pay in whatever, whenever. Would that work?

ps you should read the 5 love languages. Might explain why she's doing what she's doing.

Thanks red no that wouldn't work, she would still want to spend x on a gift. She wont even buy anything practical that DS needs like bedding or towels, she just says she will get that too but in addition to the 'gift' not instead of.

She wants to be the giver of the big ticket gift without putting any thought or effort into it.

Could you tell her that you'd prefer to get surprises for presents and have a parcel to open?

I think you have to bite the bullet and say, "I'm sorry but we can't afford to spend that much right now." Then leave the ball in her court. Don't offer any alternative suggestions of how to deal with it.

I suppose it depends on whether you would otherwise buy a big-ticket item for DC's birthday/xmas or whatever. If not, you might be happy to put up with the hassle because DC gets a big, special present he might otherwise not have got. But if you would get them it anyway, then it's a load of hassle for you because you have to revolve your gift giving around your MIL.

Either way, YA totally NBU to tell her that she either gives you the money in advance or it doesn't happen.

Can't you just be honest with her?

'MIL it is lovely that you want to be so generous, but we can't afford to be out of pocket while we wait for you to give us the money for things'.

And if she gets upset because you haven't bought the item, just repeat 'I'm sorry we can't afford it unless you can give us the money before we buy it'. Why on earth does she think you can always afford to buy it immediately when she can't!

All the advice about telling her you can't afford to pay the money up front for her is, IMO, the best. Or just saying "look MIL if you're short now just wait til you can afford it, you shouldn't be going into debt to buy us presents" (which would probably be my response, along with a ). Since you haven't embraced that in your reply, I'm guessing you're hoping for a different idea.

So how about you swallow the cost for a year, or six month or however long it takes to build up a big enough float. Open an account and when she does pay you the money, put it in that account. Then when she next wants you to pay in advance you'll have somewhere to draw the money from without it impacting your ability to spend. Don't tell her you're doing this - I suspect it might make her even less forthcoming (I can't believe she's left you waiting 2 months - 4 paydays - and still hasn't paid for your DH's gift you bought on her behalf). If some disaster befalls her, she lost her job or something, she likely wouldn't be able to repay you anyway, so this is a way to get ahead of that pain so it doesn't take you by surprise or hit you at a particularly vulnerable point. It's not "right" or "fair", but it would allow you not to challenge her about her current practices and after you'd taken the hit for a short time, you'd basically be covered until she stops giving presents (and then you'd have a small "bonus" sitting in the account to do as you pleased with).

It's not your fault she is a month behind. But it is your fault if you buy a gift on her say so and then has to owe you. You do need to take responsibility for this. She isn't making you buy things on her behalf, you are doing it then moaning about it. Just don't do it! Then she doesn't owe you and you are not out of pocket. It is your choice to do it this way also if you refuse to put a stop to it!

You need to say that you can't afford to put the money up upfront.

I do buy from my parents for my kids, they live abroad, but it's less than £20 for each child. They always transfer the money ahead anyway.

I don't know the age of your children but maybe point out that they have too many toys. An addition to Lego, drawing, etc collection would be best. Or they'd love some towards something bigger in a card.