Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you let a child choose if they want to go to a birthday party or not?

80 replies

Whatalife58 · 06/10/2014 19:34

My child is celebrating his birthday soon I got a text from a close friend saying her child would not be going because he thought the party would be too babyish for him. He is 2 and a half year older than my son. I am interested in what people think about this.

OP posts:
mrsyattering · 07/10/2014 00:02

I let my dc choose ig thwyvwamt to go. if they don't, the twxt reads. Sorry sc can't make party, hope they have a great day! Smile no need to elaborate

mrsyattering · 07/10/2014 00:03

^^sorry for typos! Shock

feathermucker · 07/10/2014 05:50

My son (8) decides if he wants to go and has done for a few years.

She wasn't rude; she was honest....why all the indignation?!

Her 5 year old is going, right?! But her 8 year old doesn't want to.

Quite simple and straightforward to me.

wtffgs · 07/10/2014 06:02

Of course but I have always replied "sorry she can't come but have a lovely time" even if DD has told me the birthday girl is a nightmare Wink

The other mother sounds a bit precious Wink

TeacupDrama · 07/10/2014 06:06

Just because something is honest does not mean it is not rude, she could have said he is not so keen on parties for younger children which does not imply 5 year olds are babies

Original poster
Whatalife58 · 07/10/2014 07:14

Neither child is coming the younger who is 4 will not come without the sibling.

OP posts:
defineme · 07/10/2014 07:25

I know where you're coming from op. If my close friends' kids have a birthday party I would usually stay for a chat andto help. My eldest would stay and if they had a problem I wouldsay they were helping too or they could read a book in the corner. I wouldn't let 1 child dictate whether all 3 of us attended. I also wouldn't be so blunt with my excuse. Just because you are close friends doesn't mean social niceties have to be forgotten.

skylark2 · 07/10/2014 07:25

"younger who is 4 will not come without the sibling."

Now that's just weird - I'd make a point of bringing the younger one without the sibling. It's not like they can be joined at the hip at school.

Not surprised the 8 year old is making a stand if every activity the 4 year old has is "big brother has to come or he won't go".

VermillionPorcupine · 07/10/2014 07:26

Mine are 6 and 4 and I've never really given them a 'choice' whether they go to parties...it's always just 'oh x is having a party next Saturday' with the joint assumption they'll go. I don't think either of them has ever said they don't want to one.

ChablisLover · 07/10/2014 07:29

I always ask but as it's a party with play and food ds will want to go even if for friends younger children as there will always be a range of ages at party

Friends response was rather rude op though
But on the other hand at least she didn't lie

TheRealMaryMillington · 07/10/2014 09:02

Why won't the younger child come? Will your DC be disappointed?

MorrisZapp · 07/10/2014 09:11

Blimey that's odd. But in general, I don't give reasons why only part of my family will be attending an event.

I often reply to invites with 'thanks, it'll just be me and Bob, see you there'. No need to elaborate. People dont usually care, they just want to know who's coming.

TheStarsLookDown · 07/10/2014 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogCalledRudis · 07/10/2014 09:27

Is that a cousin or your friend's child?

magpiegin · 07/10/2014 09:30

A 5 year old's party would be babyish for an 8 year old. I don't understand why it it's deemed rude for her to say this, surely it's obvious?

Floggingmolly · 07/10/2014 09:32

On the "it'll be too babyish" thing... Where does that leave all those parties where people are inundated with uninvited siblings of all ages??
it seems a whole load of people have no problem with the relative ages of guests (invited or otherwise).
She was an ill mannered cow to actually say that, though.

RiverTam · 07/10/2014 09:39

you say that 'we' are close friends - is that you and the mum? Or the 2 DC? Because at 5 (which is what DD's next birthday is) I won't be inviting any child who isn't a friend of DD's - if DD has her closest school chums there, she simply wouldn't take any notice of anyone who happened to be the child of a friend of mine. I'm not even going to invite her cousin as I think she'll feel a bit out of it, we'll have a separate family tea party.

The mum was being a little too honest in her response, but nothing intrinsically wrong in saying that an 8yo will find a 5yo's party a bit babyish - some might, some might not, but no point in him going if he doesn't think he'll enjoy it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/10/2014 10:57

4 year old won't go without the 8 year old, 8 year old is probably sick of being perpetually dragged around to things suitable for a 4 year old. TBH I think the 8 year old is quite right to refuse, and I hope he digs his heels in a bit more so that in the future, he gets equal consideration of what he wants to do with his little brother.

I would just offer two invitations to other children, and (superficially) sympathise with 'close friend'. It's possible she just blurted out the 'too babyish' comment because she's still a little bit in shock with having her 8 year old make a stand Grin. But he is a person in his own right, not a comfort blanket for her youngest.

Cardriver · 07/10/2014 11:25

Maybe the younger child can't go because the 8 year old is refusing and mum has no-one else to look after him.

I wouldn't automatically make my DC go to a party or other event if it only affects them. But if they're refusing to go to something that impacts on another family member for stupid reasons like it will be babyish (or boring, which is more usual) then they just have to suck it up. I've got 3 DC and it's swings and roundabouts, each DC has had times where they just have to put up with being somewhere for the sake of their siblings.

MRSJWRTWR · 07/10/2014 11:27

I always ask DS2 (8) and to be honest he is quite happy to go to most parties - except the football ones. As soon as I see one of these invites in his bag I check with him but the answer is always no. To be fair he has co-ordination problems and ball games are not easy for him so a football party is not seen as a fun time. Also, the more sporty boys who pick these type of parties are not his closest friends. However, we don't go into all this, just say that he is not available on that day.

DilysMoon · 07/10/2014 11:49

Yes I always ask them (6&8), its their free time.

I think your friend was a bit rude though, a simple ' sorry X can't make it' would have sufficed!

DilysMoon · 07/10/2014 11:51

Oh just seen about the siblings, I think that's ok to be honest although could have been phrased better. My 8yo would not want to go to a 5/6 yo party unless there were other 8yo there too.

Vitalstatistix · 07/10/2014 12:29

Yes, I would always let mine choose.

I would make a polite excuse though, if the answer was no. Just as I would make one for myself if I didn't want to attend something.

2rebecca · 07/10/2014 13:14

As an older child I can sympathise with the 8 year old if he is often manipulatd into going to things because the youngest otherwise won't go. It sounds as though the youngest is too young for parties if that is the case as there will be a lot of things the 4 year old goes to without the 8 year old as the 8 year old will be at school and most 8 year olds don't drag younger sibs to all their social events.
If your friend was planning to help at the event and had no husband to mind the oldest then she should have told him "we" are going to the party and given him no choice.
If it's just a small sprog refusing to go to things alone then the older child has the right to decide what he does with his own free time and not be used as a security blanket. In a year or 2 the younger child will have grown out of this.

Original poster
Whatalife58 · 07/10/2014 18:24

The children going to the party are in an age range of 4-8. There are a couple of other 8 year olds going. I told the mother this.
I must be a bit naive about parties. My son has been to numerous parties for children from 1-right up to 11. It has never been a choice I didn't consciously not make it a choice he is always just delighted to go and I suppose I thought others might be similar in their approach.#
I do now understand why the 8 year old might be reluctant. I am close friend's with the mother and the siblings see my son regularly and play together. We generally spend Christmas together. I was hurt by the mothers response and I suspect I am going to be attacked for that by some. But that's how it is.
I will just tell my son they cannot come.I think if the roles had been reversed my son would definately be terribly enthusiastic and if not I would have encouraged him to go out of respect for his friend celebrating the birthday. But if is hard to imagine this as he loves parties.

OP posts: