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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you let a child choose if they want to go to a birthday party or not?

80 replies

Whatalife58 · 06/10/2014 19:34

My child is celebrating his birthday soon I got a text from a close friend saying her child would not be going because he thought the party would be too babyish for him. He is 2 and a half year older than my son. I am interested in what people think about this.

OP posts:
JemimaButtons · 06/10/2014 21:34

That's makes a bit more sense. You invite two siblings, she accepts for the one who is 5 and says the 8 year old won't come as it might be a bit babyish for him.... That looks more acceptable to me

Yup, more acceptable to me too

DiaDuit · 06/10/2014 21:37

Of course i let my dc decide. What would be the point of sending them to a party they didnt want to be at? Confused

NotMNRoyalty · 06/10/2014 21:43

What a rude lady. Of course it's ok for her son not to come but she didn't need to say why.

TheRealMaryMillington · 06/10/2014 21:43

You are close friends so she felt she needed to explain. Also to explain why one would come and not the other. Don't take umbrage. The kid has a point!

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 06/10/2014 21:43

Of course.

But she's rude.

WaitingForMe · 06/10/2014 22:06

No. It has never occurred to us to ask the children. And DSS1 is nine!

Maybe it's the separated family thing? DH's ex sees an invite, realises it's on our weekend and texts us, we work out how to make it work including what to buy the child and confirm back to her so she can RSVP.

We really ought to involve the kids in this process!

LynetteScavo · 06/10/2014 22:12

Yes, I have let my DC decide....DS1 didn't want to go to a swimming party. He likes swimming, and is a good swimmer, but he desperately didn't want to go. Other times he hasn't wanted to go to disco parties, so I wouldn't make him.

However, this mother was incredibly rude. My DC may not want to go to some family events/parties as they will be "boring", but I would make them, or would politely think up an excuse.

skylark2 · 06/10/2014 22:14

I'd let an 8 year old decide whether they wanted to go to a 5 year old's party. Nothing better than a stroppy older child who doesn't want to be there to make everyone's afternoon miserable.

But I wouldn't use the word "babyish" when telling the partygiver why the older one wouldn'tbe coming.

waithorse · 06/10/2014 22:20

What a bloody rude woman. Shock

onedev · 06/10/2014 22:25

I always let my children decide if they want to go or not (but no changing their minds once I've responded ) but her response was rude. That said, if you're close friends & she's bringing her younger DC, then perhaps she didn't want to lie to you or thought her 5 yr old would announce the reason at the party if you asked him, so wanted to be honest with you.

Treaclepot · 06/10/2014 22:34

I've honestly never asked mine, they always are happy to go. ( the age thing is bollocks, we've 4 and they always enjoy a mix of ages of parties,)

LiegeAndLief · 06/10/2014 22:41

I have two dc who are 8 and 5. I am struggling to imagine any circumstances under which the 8yo would want to go to a 5yo's party. He did go to his sister's party but that was only because we couldn't leave him at home alone and it was definitely under sufferance.

In your situation I would (and have) invite the older sibling but say when handing the invitation over that I would completely understand if they thought it was a bit young for them and didn't want to come. Then it's easier for the older child to decline politely.

Having said that, the other mum did not decline politely! Not a great choice of words on her part...

TeamScotland · 06/10/2014 23:02

My DD, aged 5, point blank refused to attend a One Direction party she was invited to. I tried to persuade her to go, saying it was about celebrating with her friend, but she was having none of it. I guess she's not a One Direction fan.

OneSkinnyChip · 06/10/2014 23:07

Actually I think her reply was just honest and given that younger son is coming totally fine. This wouldn't offend me at all. If she used the word 'babyish' I can see how it can be taken a bit Hmm but if she's a good friend she probably thinks you'll know what she means.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 23:13

close friend - your idea and mine of 'close' must be very different if her being honest with you is bothering you this much. I'm glad my close friends and I aren't this over sensitive.

School Mum - different story 'X would love to come, but y can't make it, sorry, but thank you for the invite :)'

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 23:16

Or even, 'Y is 8, he's decided that it will be too babyish Hmm still, when x comes home full of it he'll probably be sorry he said 'No thank you' Grin'

I really don't get the outrage. He simply said a birthday party for a child 3 years younger than him would be babyish

BackforGood · 06/10/2014 23:21

Yes, I'd let them opt out if they wanted to.
Generally (as people were answering on the first page) then just saying 'Sorry, can't be there, hope he has a nice time' is far more polite than giving a blunt reason
but
since your 2nd post, I agree with others - this isn't your dc's friend. This is someone you felt obliged to invite because he is the ds of your friend, and his sibling is coming. You would probably think it odd that one sibling came and the other didn't, and your mate probably felt, as you are mates she could 'quote' what her son said, and you would take it in good spirit.
She's letting you know that 8 yr olds feel very grown up compared with 4 to 5 yr olds, so you are now off the hook from inviting him in future.

HibiscusIsland · 06/10/2014 23:28

I always have to turn down disco party invitations for my 7 year old dd as the noise of a disco upsets her. (Sensitive ears.) I just say we can't make it, rather than "She doesn't want to come as doesn't like discos."

missymayhemsmum · 06/10/2014 23:29

Perhaps she was also wondering if there would be other older kids there?

Cardriver · 06/10/2014 23:34

Most of the time I just presume that DD3 (7) wants to go to every party that she's invited too but a couple of months back she was invited to a football party. She absolutely didn't want to go and I let the mum know in person so it probably didn't sound as harsh as the text you got from this mum OP. She probably didn't intend it to sound the way it did.

Morloth · 06/10/2014 23:40

I let my two choose buy would never pass on any of their 'rude' reasons if they don't want to go.

Just a simple 'sorry, can't make it' is fine.

Morloth · 06/10/2014 23:42

DS1's first question is always a suspicious 'is there going to be dancing?'

Any hint of dancing and he is a NO.

Fanjango · 06/10/2014 23:46

Yes. If they don't want to go a simple "sorry, can't make it" does the job. I would never force a child to go somewhere they don't want to, except school swimming lessons (sorry ds2 Grin). There was no need for the elaboration as to why they could not attend. That was just bad manners.

BaffledSomeMore · 06/10/2014 23:48

If both dc were invited and the younger one is saying yes then you can't really say "sorry we are busy" for the older one.
She could have phrased it better though.

2rebecca · 06/10/2014 23:55

My children chose from school age onwards unless it was a family party but then we'd have been going anyway (or not as they live hours away).
The reply sounds rude though, "sorry x won't be attending" is all I'd have put.
8 is quite a big jump from 5. Just because you and his mum are friends it doesn't follow that the kids have to be friends too.
We're divorced and to me that is more reason to check the child wants to go as getting them to and from the party can be a major hassle if you're the nonres parent and for either parent can disrupt plans for the rest of the family for the day.
It was good when they got older and the party invites drastically reduced.