To ask if you would tell your adult DC that you think they might have Aspergers

[anxioushamster]

if you knew they were struggling and finding things hard?

I suspect my 23 year old DD is on the spectrum. It's only recently that I've realised this but it would make sense. I know it presents differently in girls and women and my DD fits the female model of it perfectly.

I know she has always felt different from her peers and has struggled with that. I know that there are a lot of things she doesn't cope with and she has been treated for depression and anxiety at various points in her life. I know it's not unusual for people on the spectrum especially to have depression, anxiety, etc as fitting into an NT world is too much sometimes.

DD has even said that she thinks the main reason she has anxiety and depression is because she finds it tiring trying to fit in when she is so obviously different.

I don't know whether to mention this to her though. I'm worried it might make her feel worse. But then I think a diagnosis might be useful for her and she might be annoyed with me for not telling her sooner.

If you were me would you tell her? More importantly would you want to know if you were in DD's shoes?

I've got Aspergers and pushing for a diagnosis (privately) was one of the best things I ever did.

Your DD may well be glad of your support - my mum was the opposite and still doesn't seem to fully accept my diagnosis.

My mum was completely unsupportive to me when my penny dropped, and took it as a personal slight that I believed I could have Asperger's. Her exact answer was: "Who put it in your head that you have Asperger's? You were just weird!".

Please don't be that mother.

I think the understanding yourself better and knowing there is a reason why you're different are good points.

DD suffers terribly from low self esteem because she hates feeling different. She is still convinced that there is something "wrong" with her and that she is just odd. I think she probably will be grateful if I mention it to her.

DP's brother is nearly 30 and they began to diagnose him a few years ago. I think it would be fine telling them, seeing what you can do for them. depends how her moods get

My cousin recently got diagnosed as AS at the age of 25 - it's been one of the best things that has happened to her and I'd recommend speaking to your DD. For my cousin, she went from feeling like she was just an unlikeable person who people avoided, to realising that the reason she struggles with social interactions is because her brain is wired differently.

aurynne I haven't told my mother because I fear she'll have a similar reaction. I can virtually guarantee that she'll roll her eyes & tell me I'm "fine" & she'll feel guilty if/when I do get a diagnosis. She's a fab mum really, just has a bit of a pull-yourself-together attitude at times!

I'm psyching myself up to convince the GP I need a referral. I strongly suspect DSis & DBIL have ASD too but I'm focusing on myself first & hoping I can use my diagnosis as a way of raising it with them. DBIL in particular is struggling to live as an independent adult. DSis hasn't struck out on her own yet but I can foresee issues arising when our parents do 'encourage' her to be more independent! I'm lucky - a friend practically forced DH & I to get together & he's so supportive & much better at organising the day-to-day stuff that completely doesn't occur to me!

FWIW, I do wish someone would've pointed it out to me when I was younger. Social issues at school really messed me up. I wouldn't have tried so hard to fit in if I knew it wasn't going to happen! I'd have been horrified at having it pointed out to me initially but I'm positive it would've been better.

I'm 24 and I'm totally convinced that I have Aspergers. I'm not sure what can be done or even what I'd say to a doctor about it because I'd hate to look like I've been "Dr Google diagnosing", but I've always felt different and having discovered that it presents differently in females and looking into it further, I've discovered that I display 90% of common traits. I also have anxiety and was treated for depression in my teens.

I think you should talk to your daughter.

Personally I would not use the terms Asperger's or Austistic Spectrum to her. This is a very difficult condition to diagnose and only psychiatrists and psychotherapists can make that judgement.
My parents used to call me an autistic and tell me that bits of my brain were missing. I internalized it and even became convinced I was Aspie, so I discussed this with my psychiatrist (who I saw for bipolar) and they did the correct assessment. I did not have the disorder and I was quite upset that this had been said to me. However this was said to me in an abusive way, rather than a constructive one.
I would organize for DD to see a psychologist/psychiatrist. This can be quite difficult on the NHS, and you may have to go private to get seen in a reasonable time frame. Best to avoid any labels at this stage and mention psychotherapy as a constructive way to help her.

My DS has a diagnosis - I lent some books about it to my father with a nod and a wink ('recognise anything in there?') - can you find out the diagnosis pathway in your area before you speak to her?

I was told at every parents' evening and in every report that DD did not participate enough in lessons. Some teachers even thought she wasn't understanding stuff.

Time after time I would explain that she would respond in the right circumstances but it was a chicken and egg situation. She felt a teacher should appreciate her intelligence from the written work she did. If they didn't then she wouldn't bother to raise her hand. She had also been bullied really nastily in primary school for answering questions and doing well so she went into a shell and would only risk calling attention to herself in lessons if she really trusted the teacher. It was Catch 22 because there was no basis for trust unless one of them broke the ice.

She did form very good relationships with teachers, particularly as she got higher up the school, but they tended to be the ones who actually took on board what I said to them at parents' evenings and made an effort to break the deadlock. She was/is a very successful student and by no means shy.

Does any of this sound familiar?

raltheraffe's post is very poignant and true. I see so many threads where lay people are confidently diagnosing aspergers. I think it's best left to the professionals.

I think mentioning it to her in a supportive, positive way could be helpful. Even at her age understanding the causes behind her feelings and behaviour could be beneficial.