To ask if you would tell your adult DC that you think they might have Aspergers

[anxioushamster]

if you knew they were struggling and finding things hard?

I suspect my 23 year old DD is on the spectrum. It's only recently that I've realised this but it would make sense. I know it presents differently in girls and women and my DD fits the female model of it perfectly.

I know she has always felt different from her peers and has struggled with that. I know that there are a lot of things she doesn't cope with and she has been treated for depression and anxiety at various points in her life. I know it's not unusual for people on the spectrum especially to have depression, anxiety, etc as fitting into an NT world is too much sometimes.

DD has even said that she thinks the main reason she has anxiety and depression is because she finds it tiring trying to fit in when she is so obviously different.

I don't know whether to mention this to her though. I'm worried it might make her feel worse. But then I think a diagnosis might be useful for her and she might be annoyed with me for not telling her sooner.

If you were me would you tell her? More importantly would you want to know if you were in DD's shoes?

My lovely niece is the same age as your dd. She is Aspergers, and also bipolar. She too found it very hard to fit in at school, with her peers etc. She was diagnosed as a teenager, and it has helped enormously, as there are numerous societies and groups where help and support can be found.

Could you gently suggest this may be a possibility, and ask if she'd like to explore it further?
I think she'd probably welcome 'knowing' at last, and it would explain her difficulties. My niece has medication for the bipolar, especially the depressive phases.

I might add my niece completed a University degree and now works in a bank. She has a nice long-term boyfriend who is an 'Aspie' too and understands her.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

My son was about 13 when we talked about him having Aspergers. He was mightily relieved because he thought it was just 'him' being different and out of sync (and favour) with others of his age group.

There is a link between various disabilities and experiences of depression, specifically around feeling 'different'. A diagnosis may allow her to seek out others with a similar diagnosis and form some connections feeling more 'understood' as well as perhaps helping her to accept a difference in herself / others.

DS1 has been assessed as ASD aged 26, I have suspected it for years but he was very until his life unravelled and he had to confront both that and a MH issue. It has helped him understand himself..even if he doesn't like it!
It wasn't a problem as a child as both his education and our approach minimised the effect until his mid teens.
I will feel guilt for the rest of my life that I thought we had it under control but I was deluded!

I'm sorry to sabotage your thread but I too think I may have this. Can you say exactly how she doesn't 'fit in'? For me other people feel alien, I am happy with my immediate family and friends but find it very difficult in new situations and with new people. I feel detached.

I have suffered anorexia and self harm and borderline Agraphobia, over achieved academically and in sport due to perfectionism but feel incapable of living a 'normal' life and am completely dependent on others for comfort and practical support. I feel extremely agitated if plans change to the extent I would go to great lengths to try and manifest original plans!

Wether I would have wanted to change that is a different question ! So be prepared your daughter may be upset or resist help. It could be just who she is.

Fwiw I have lots of lovely friends and Interests. Hth. Xx

My DS and I have both been convinced for quite some time that he is on the autistic spectrum and most likely has Aspergers. He has decided that he wouldn't benefit from an official diagnosis at the moment but knows its a possibility as I have offered to take him to see the doctor several times over the last few years. He's 18 now and planning to go to Uni next year and may find he needs support then but has decided to see how he gets on first.

I am in my late 20s and have suspected that I may have AS for about 10 years (at least since uni), however even before that I knew I was different, I just didn't know how or why. I also suffer with depression and anxiety- have done since I was a child- and am really struggling at the moment. So (unknown to my mum, but with my husband's backing) I've managed to persuade my doctor to make a referral to a psychiatrist with a view to assessing me for AS. He was reluctant at first as he felt there would be no benefit to a diagnosis, but I need to know if it could have any bearing on my mental health at the moment.

If my mum were to bring the subject up, I'd be extremely relieved. Part of the reason why I haven't brought it up sooner is that I worry she might dismiss my fears.

fred I know what you mean about the agitation. The weird/frustrating thing for me is that it doesn't have to be a 'bad' change. For example, a relative being discharged from hospital earlier than expected made all my anxiety symptoms flare up.

Got my diagnosis at 45 and found it very helpful. There is a great deal of support about for adults.

I have recently had this discussion with 14 year old DS. He couldn't stop smiling - he said to me "It's like you finally understand me". He said he had always felt different. Struggled socially altho he has lovely friends he doesn't "get" social interaction particularly small talk etc. They studied "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" last year & whilst the rest of the group struggled to understand the main character, DS had an "eureka" moment where everything fell into place.

We are now embarking on assessment.

Yes, definitely. My BiL got his diagnosis at 44 and it made him so happy. He's very successful work-wise (IT), married w 2 kids, a few close friends and a vast network of acquaintances with like-minded nerds (model aircraft) so the diagnosis didn't change anything but it did explain why he found so many aspects of life so damned tough. It also made him feel less 'different.'

(It has also been quite helpful for the family as he can be quite difficult to live with in many ways e.g. when plans change/go wrong so now we understand what manifests itself as unreasonable bad temper is actually anxiety)

fred honestly there's lots of things. She is so socially awkward and struggles big time to fit in. It's like she doesn't "get" people or know what's acceptable to talk about. I've had to do a lot of coaching over the years to make sure she doesn't talk about anything offensive or inappropriate but that doesn't always work.

She also has sensory issues and hates loud noise and bright lights. That's why she hates nightclubs and parties, however sadly that's all most people her age seem to be into so she doesn't fit in there. She loves routine and gets stressed if she has to do something different.

I have no idea how to bring this up with her though.

Lots of the things that you mention be found in people without aspergers. If I were you I would approach it by continuing to support her with things that are causing her problems.

It's hard to say though without knowing your DD.

Yes. After I saw the improvement it made to DD1's self esteem to have a new understanding of herself and her difficulties, I would always recommend telling someone.

My youngest son had a diagnosis at 15 of high functioning autism and add, my older children had much greater difficulties, ds2 had even gone under my radar. Unfortunately DS1 and DD were dismissed in his case as "a very naughty boy" and hers as "anti-social and not working well in groups". DD was very grateful after her brother's diagnosis when she did an online test and scored worse than him, it explained so much, and on reading this she identified with a great deal of it. She is still considering whether to seek a diagnosis herself as she still sometimes has difficulties with focus and concentration. DS1 has not chosen to do tests or look into his problems, but has graduated and is working and happy, life for us as parents was very hard and I felt very judged as a mother due to his behaviour at school, but knowing there was a problem has helped me let go of that. I think if I were you I would have the conversation, you may well find she is glad to have her difficulties explained and acknowledged.

My ds got diagnosed at 16. I feel like we let him down really as the signs were all there
He couldn't sit in the dining room at primary school because of the noise. In highly stimulating environments he would totally disappear into himself
He has always struggled socially
I realise I probably have it too, my GP thinks so
I used to look at other pupils at school and wonder how they knew to act like they did. I have terrible face blindness too

I didn't really answer your question
DS was a bit uninterested in his diagnosis. I bought some books but he has never bothered with them
He got very socially anxious, that's what led me to pushing for assessment, and it helps that he knows why
He has meds now for anxiety. He fears a SN label though

Sorry don't want to hijack the thread, but MadameJosephine - just a warning, if you leave it to see how your son gets on at uni, it maybe too late to get the help & support he might need. I would seriously recommend looking into it this year, so at least everything is in place if he does need help.

I wish I'd known - I'm in my fifties and have recently come to the conclusion that I'm an asperger person. My two eldest DD17 and DS15 have just been diagnosed this year and during the process it was strongly suggested to me that I seek diagnosis too. It would have made such a difference to me to understand why I've always felt such a freak, like everyone else has the script and I don't even understand the plot.. knowledge is power, self knowledge the best of all.

icantfind I know what you mean but we have looked into what support is available at the unis he is applying to and it seems to us that he could access support without actually being diagnosed and he is happy with that. For instance he has anxiety and the disability resource centre at one of his chosen unis is going to help him with interview arrangements (if he gets one, UCAS form goes in this week, very tense in our house at the moment!)

I started to do quite a bit of reading about ASD when my DS1 was being assessed. (He was diagnosed aged 8) . I now have a much better understanding about myself and what I now recognise to be autistic tendencies. Unsure if I would actually get a diagnosis if I was referred. Sometimes just being able to access information can be very helpful and I have found that I have worked out strategies to help me through certain situations.

I rang up my dad to say I thought he had ASD in his 50s. (Okay, yes, tactlessness is one of my traits). He actually found it really useful, and reading up about ASD is one of the things that has really helped him find a social niche, and be much happier. Never too late...

I am not experienced with Autism or similar, however I am familar with people having a diagnosis for an seemingly elusive illness or condition, and it is usually a relief to the patient to finally have a name and to understand this is a condition and is not because of anything they are doing wrong, or their "fault". (for lack of a better word)

Womans' Hour did a feature a few months ago on how it often goes undiagnosed in girls and presents in a different way. DD was home from university and we were both listening to it whilst pottering round the kitchen. Pennies dropped! Then we talked for a long time & did a bit of reading up about it.

She found it tremendously helpful and it made me realise that I too probably have it. It also explains a lot about my mother.

DD is 22 now and unlikely to pursue a diagnosis but she now has a better understanding of what she has been struggling with.

My ds is 11, has aspergers and I'm totally and utterly convinced his dad has it too, all the "signs" are there.
Please speak to your GP.
That is what I'm intending to do too, good luck :)