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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being single and childless isn't an enviable state of affairs?

30 replies

chumrun · 06/10/2014 16:20

I was genuinely surprised on another thread when I noted that some would see being single as something to be envious of, it does make me wonder why they are in a relationship at all!

I don't enjoy being single. Maybe it's because I've had too much of a good thing if you like - have only had one partner, and was with him for 6 months. Split yesterday.

But, while it's obviously possible I'll meet someone, it's also possible I won't. And going into my 40s/50s without a husband or children is something I don't want.

AIBU to think being single is not really a great thing (unless you WANT to be)

OP posts:

cailindana · 06/10/2014 16:22

Being in a situation you don't want is never good.

angelos02 · 06/10/2014 16:31

It is like many things in life; different people want different things. I don't have children (out of choice) and don't envy those that do but equally I suspect those that do have them, don't envy childless people.

Aherdofmims · 06/10/2014 16:34

Grass is always greener?

When you are in charge of young babies/ children every day having only yourself to worry about looks quite attractive regardless of our choices at the time.

NoImSpartacus · 06/10/2014 16:36

If you are unhappily married to a right bastard and your kids take you for granted then yes, I can see that someone who is single and child free could be envied. But as cailindana rightly points out, being in a situation you don't want to be is always going to be a bad thing.

I'm single, I would like to meet someone, but I'm not so bothered that I'm on any dating websites as although I'm 40 I don't want children so I'm not under any pressure so would rather meeting someone, if it does happen, happened naturally.

That's not to say I'm unhappy; I'm very content at where I am right now and would hate to be in a bad marriage MUCH more than my desire to couple up.

Original poster

chumrun · 06/10/2014 16:38

Yes, but you wouldn't give them back permanently would you? Or would you?

I know what you're saying - I mean, I sometimes look back to when I was at school and think ah, how trouble free life was - but it's just a simpler time. It doesn't mean I'd want to be in my thirties and going to school.

I think that's it - people equate single with young and responsibility free. But single in your 30s is different to single in your 20s!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 06/10/2014 16:41

I'm a bit confused as you seem to be conflating relationship status with having children. I am single (happily), nearly 50 and have always been a single parent but I don't regret having children.

Would be happy to have a relationship too. Basically whether I'm happy or not really depends more on me than the lack (or not) of a relationship. Tbh being in a bad relationship with someone else is soul destroying, being in a good relationship with yourself is quite life-affirming!

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 16:46

I became celibate when I was 30 (nearly 14 years) by choice so I don't have any physical OR emotional contact with men - I will remain single and child free for the rest of my life. It is like anything else - some people hate it, others love it. Personally I think it has made me a better person than I would have been otherwise.

The issue is that people pity singles because they think that all of them are craving some kind of relationship. I have come across that attitude a lot - it usually starts about 3 seconds after people stop saying "you'll change your mind when you're older".

It seems that if you are in/have been in a relationship (however bad) and/or have children, people don't have a problem with that, but if you dare defy the conventions and stay single, it is assumed that you are sad, lonely, unable to find someone etc....

Original poster

chumrun · 06/10/2014 16:48

Kewcumber I know you're a single parent by choice - I know that's a slightly misleading term but you know what I mean!- but I'm sure you of all people appreciate it isn't necessarily an option for all of us, and most of us who have children will need to be in a relationship, although obviously some of those relationships won't last.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 06/10/2014 16:49

Well, the fact you split yesterday, might give you a slightly one-sided view of this!
As most people have said though, being in any situation you don't want to be in isn't great - it's just not automatic that everyone wants to be in a relationship. Nor is it automatic that everyone wants dc. Nor, of course are the 'being in a relationship' and 'having dc' necessarily related.

I can think of lots of advantages of being both single, and child free, tbh, but, as others have said, it's probably a "grass is greener" thing, when we all wistfully glance over the fence sometimes.

Original poster

chumrun · 06/10/2014 16:52

If you don't want children I imagine being in a relationship is far less pressing than if you do.

OP posts:

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 16:52

"Responsibility free" and "single" are two completely different things. Also, people in their 40s and 50s are choosing to remain single/childfree now, so it isn't just 20-somethings who can do it!

I have no children or partner or RL friends. I would hate it to be otherwise. However there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, just that you have to go out there and get one.

Trills · 06/10/2014 16:56

There are aspects to it that are enviable, especially if you've just had a hard time with your partner/child.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 16:56

chumrun Just realised in your OP that you split yesterday - you are hardly going to be seeing your future clearly at the moment!

And agree with PP that relationships and children are not necessary tied together.

Sounds like you are (totally understandably) feeling a bit shit about your situation at the moment but there are FAR WORSE things in life than being single - 20 minutes spent on the relationships board of MN will confirm that!

Trills · 06/10/2014 16:57

Actually I dislike your statement that it is not an enviable state of affairs.

It isn't always, and it would be wrong to assume that everyone in that circumstance is happy about it, but it's also wrong to imply that everyone who is in their 30s and single and childless is unhappy about it.

There is no state of affairs that is universally enviable, and none that is universally un-enviable.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 17:01

Enviable is one word for it

I made my decision, but it is a decision that most people have the opportunity to make at some point in their lives if they want to. My lifestyle doesn't impact on anyone else, which is why I am always a bit when I get comments in RL about it!

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 17:01

Trills Thank you - I have been trying to say that in a rather convoluted way - you put it far better than me!

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 06/10/2014 17:02

Oh and I can honestly say I have never been tempted to change unless Peter Capaldi walked into my life and insisted

Original poster

chumrun · 06/10/2014 17:08

Obviously if you don't wish to be in a relationship or have a child, that's fine.

But many - most? - people do.

So I was wondering why being single and childless would be envied by others.

OP posts:

Trills · 06/10/2014 17:18

Making assumptions about what most people want is not going to make you any happier.

It's been a day. Take some time, then figure out what you want.

Trills · 06/10/2014 17:18

Friends who try to cheer you up by saying oh but I wish I was xxxx when you clearly do not wish to be it are not very good friends, or at minimum are not very emotionally intelligent. Feel free to tell them that it really doesn't help.

PillForgettingIdiot · 06/10/2014 17:24

I think being the type of person who has to have a partner at all times is setting yourself up for a fall.

I was a very happy single woman, and now am very happily married. If something went wrong with this marriage, I'd feel no hesitation about being single again.

As much as I love DH, I depend on me only and could be happy without him.

LadyLuck10 · 06/10/2014 17:27

I think it really depends on your own experiences in life, generally though I think majority don't opt to be single and childless.

PillForgettingIdiot · 06/10/2014 17:33

What I meant to say is that neither is/was enviable. They were both equally good in different ways though.

PetulaGordino · 06/10/2014 17:39

i try to avoid assuming that anyone's situation (single or partnered) is to be envied or not until they choose to tell me one way or the other

the problem is when people make assumptions about someone else's situation

one of the reasons though why i think coupledom tends to be the more envied situation is that society is set up for it (heterosexual coupledom anyway). so in general it's easier and more comfortable from the outside to do all sorts of things (parenting, socialising, household chores, undertaking activities alone outside the home if you've got someone who can look after any children or pets or other responsibilities). also the whole "romance industry" stuff. this is all in theory though, because of course for many women in particular the reality of being in a couple, particularly after children, isn't so rosy. but society is very approving of people who are paired off satisfactorily, regardless of whether people within the couple are actually happy

Kewcumber · 06/10/2014 17:42

but I'm sure you of all people appreciate it isn't necessarily an option for all of us, and most of us who have children will need to be in a relationship

Why me of all people?

My point was nothing to do with choosing to be a single parent. And yes choosing to be a single parent is always an option for anyone, I'm not sure why you think it isn't. Of course not everyone will choose that option but it's always a possibility - even married people with children can choose to become single parents.

I don't consider myself to be a single parent by choice though I do know what you mean. I would have chosen to have a parent to have my child with because its easier with the right partner emotionally and financially to raise a child.

I am old enough to have been an adult who was single, in stable relationships, in casual relationships, without children and with children. And I can totally promise you that whether I was "happy" or not has been more dependent on me and how I felt about myself than any one of my relationships statuses.

I felt awkward in situations when I haven't had a partner when I was younger and I have been miserable in situations with a partner. It's become easier as I;ve got older because I put up with less shit just because being in a relationship is of less importance to me.

Being happy and my child being happy is what matters to me. If I meet someone who makes me happier than I am alone then I'll go for it but otherwise I'll carry on just fine.

Of course the majority of people want to have children in the end - thats the way we're built. There has to be an inbuilt predisposition to want children otherwise the human race isn't going to last long as having young children can be very hard.

I get the impression that you're saying this because after you split some friends have said how much they'd like to be carefree and single. They're just trying to say some thing to cheer you up but they're plonkers. Even if they think it, and I doubt they do. They want to be single and carefree and still have their children would be my guess.

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