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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see a male gynecologist?

45 replies

captaincass · 06/10/2014 11:49

Just that really.

I have been referred to a gynecologist and the appointment is next week. I am scared anyways but I've just realised that the gynecologist is a man and now I really am terrified and dreading it.

I've been told that they'll want to do a vaginal exam and just the thought of having a man do it is making me cry.

Now I'm dreading it even more.

OP posts:
Agrestic · 06/10/2014 11:53

Why is it upsetting you? He'll be able to help you. I'm pretty sure you can request a female but it might take longer for you to be seen.

sunflower49 · 06/10/2014 11:55

YANBU and you can request a female but as agrestic says you may have to prolong the wait.

I don't know your reasons so apologise if there are sensitive issues here, but for what It's worth I have had both male and female examiners and the males have been every bit as gentle and understanding as the females, and in some cases, more so.

Stripylikeatiger · 06/10/2014 11:56

Yanbu, you should request a female gynecologist if it will make you less anxious.

I have had both male and female gynecologist sand to me it didn't make any difference but you should choose what makes you feel most comfortable.

PiperRose · 06/10/2014 11:59

Why?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 06/10/2014 12:00

YANBU if you would feel more comfortable with a female then request one, its your choice.

I have a male gynaecologist and he is amazing, he goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable and there is always a female nurse present, hes currently my obstetrician while im pregnant and I was over the moon when I realised it was him.

shouldnthavesaid · 06/10/2014 12:00

Yanbu, but you might be facing a longer wait if you cancel.

I have had a vaginal exam though several times by male doctors (I've had a lot of problems and have had examinations hundreds of times), two were absolutely wonderful - both very gentle, stopped immediately if I got upset, etc. Whereas I've had women who've shouted at me, forced me, told me to 'get over it' etc. It does depend on the individual doctor - just because he's a man doesn't mean anything.

And they're definitely, definitely not thinking of you in any innapropriate way - I see genitalia every day at work and it's just another body part for me.

Deep breaths, soft face and a relaxed bum is what my GP always tells me which helps a bit. And buy a treat for yourself after :)

divingoffthebalcony · 06/10/2014 12:04

FWIW, I've seen both a male and a female gynae in the past. The man was gentle and kind (and there was a female nurse present), and the woman was rude, judgemental and caused immense pain when she examined me. So for me, professionalism is more important than gender.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 06/10/2014 12:05

If you really don't want a man, don't force yourself to have one. Being examined while you are freaking out is a recipe for disaster.

otherwise, would it help to take someone with you and have that person stay with you (at the head end, as it were, while you are examined?) I only ask because it takes so long to get appointments usually that it would be a shame to lose this one if there is any way you could make it work.

Scotinoz · 06/10/2014 12:05

Not unreasonable to not want a male doctor, nor to ask to see a female.

For what it's worth, my obstretricians is male and marvellous. Much better than the female GP who did my last Pap smear. Very gentle, very kind and totally not weird. And also the midwives on my labour ward say the male OBs are much better than the females.

LurcioAgain · 06/10/2014 12:05

YANBU - and you can request a different gynaecologist. And what other women are happy with is neither here nor there when it comes to your decision (I personally am very similar in outlook to shouldnthavesaid, but that is completely beside the point - it is your body, your emotional response and your choice we are talking about here).

APotNoodleandaTommy · 06/10/2014 12:06

YANBU but I must be honest and say I've had far, far the best care from male gynaes and horrible from female. It may be the luck of the draw but can only speak as I find. For the condition I have, the leading expert in the area is male, and I'd do anything to get an appointment with him.
Maybe do some online research on this man? There's plenty online where you can read reviews etc

NancyJones · 06/10/2014 12:08

You can certainly request a woman but as others have said, the wait will be longer so please don't do it if your medical issue is something that could get dangerously worse if you wait longer. The problem with gynaes is that the vast majority of them are men. It's not an area of medicine that women tend to want to specialise in so this may increase your wait even further.

Sunna · 06/10/2014 12:08

I much prefer male gynaecologists. They are far more gentle and patient, in my experience.

Nancy66 · 06/10/2014 12:08

it won't just be you and him. there will be another female in the room.

Original poster
captaincass · 06/10/2014 12:12

Sorry I thought I posted this in my OP but I got distracted.

But I don't want a man because I would probably find it too triggering. I was sexually abused as a child and I was also raped again a couple of months ago.

I still find it hard to let DH touch me never mind a man I don't know. Even the thought of it is triggering. In fact even the thought of having a woman examine me is hard but not as bad and nowhere near as triggering.

I just don't like to make a fuss and am scared people will think that Sad.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 06/10/2014 12:12

Why do you think you feel like this?

shouldnthavesaid · 06/10/2014 12:14

Oh my love, no, you are not making a fuss in the slightest. I did wonder if that was the case. No, you absolutely don't have to see a man. I am assuming you have discussed this with your GP? It's worth seeing if they can call the clinic in advance as some centres will have special procedures for such things (for example your first appointment might be just a familiarisation of the clinic and doctor, etc). It's always best if you feel you can tell them as they're better placed to support you. I'm so so sorry you've been through such horrible trauma my love xxx

ArcheryAnnie · 06/10/2014 12:15

YANBU. If you want to see a female gyn, then ask for one. You don't need to explain yourself. It's your body, and you have the right as to who gets to see it.

I say this as someone who had a male gyn, and who had a very medicalised pregnancy in a teaching hospital, so got used very quickly to groups of posh young men staring up my wotsit. (And I'm quite bodyshy - I don't even wear shorts in public, or go swimming - but I got quite blase by the end.) I was fine then, to my absolute surprise, but if I hadn't been fine with it I'd have felt absolutely OK about insisting on just women.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 06/10/2014 12:17

Oh crikey, I am sorry to read that.

Look, in that case ring the hospital straightaway and say that as a result of recent violent trauma (no need to be more specific, I think, if you don't want to be) you cannot be examined by a man or have a man present and need to reschedule to have a female gynae.

Sadly it won't be an unfamiliar situation and I'm sure no one will think you are making a fuss.

Are you having any talk therapy to help you? I do recommend it (survivor of similar).

ArcheryAnnie · 06/10/2014 12:18

Just seen your latest post, OP. Everything I said still holds true - and do feel able to ask for whatever gyn you need. And they aren't entitled to an explanation - tell them as much or as little as you want, and if all you want to tell them is "I want a female byn", that's totally fine. You get to choose what you tell people about your body, and who gets to see it.

You aren't making a fuss at all. It's your body.

Good luck, OP. Thanks

babykonitsway · 06/10/2014 12:25

Having had a shed load of gynae exams, I prefer a man. They are gentler and much more aware of your dignity.

In your situation though I think requesting a woman is 100% fair.

babykonitsway · 06/10/2014 12:25

"soft face and a relaxed bum"

brilliant, and true :)

Original poster
captaincass · 06/10/2014 12:32

I haven't had talking therapy for the last incident, but did for the childhood abuse one. I guess because I don't feel ready to face up to that one yet because I kind of put myself in that position in the first place and I was stupid and feel a little bit responsible.

Now I'm worried that I might get an awful woman gyn who won't help much my fears either. But I just know I couldn't face having a man do it no matter how nice and gentle he is. But surely there are nice gentle female gynecologists out there too, right? Confused

OP posts:
friendlymum67 · 06/10/2014 12:34

OP - I fully understand your reasons and I know the hospital staff would too. I refused a male gynaecologist minutes before I was due to go in and have a colposcopy - ended up in tears in the 'ante' room. I had no reason other than being very self conscious, stressed etc etc. The staff were fantastic and rearranged my appt for later that week, they couldn't have been nicer about it.

motherinferior · 06/10/2014 12:38

My love, you are NOT responsible for your rape. I'm so very sorry.

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