To not want to see a male gynecologist?

[captaincass]

Just that really.

I have been referred to a gynecologist and the appointment is next week. I am scared anyways but I've just realised that the gynecologist is a man and now I really am terrified and dreading it.

I've been told that they'll want to do a vaginal exam and just the thought of having a man do it is making me cry.

Now I'm dreading it even more.

I kind of put myself in that position in the first place and I was stupid and feel a little bit responsible

No my dear, really no. That kind of 'shame' reaction is common, but that doesn't make it true. Ask yourself whether, if someone else had put themselves in that position with you, you would have reacted as your attacker did? Because I'm betting the answer is no.

I carried that same thought around, about my own experience, for years. And then I set it down and thought 'No, bollocks, I crossed a predator's path, that's why it happened.'

There are nice women gynaes, I've come across a couple, and if you can bear to tell them what's happened I think they will make every effort to minimise your discomfort and stress.

Please, don't be too hard on yourself about this.

Of course there are good and bad gynaecologists of each gender, don't let other people's anecdotal experience put you off, request to change the appointment, the staff will be use to this situation. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, if therapy helped with the childhood abuse then hopefully it will help you move on from the recent rape. Victims are never responsible for being raped though it is common for them to think so. You look after yourself and I hope things start looking up soon.

Yes of course there are! I recently was under a female gynae (different matter) and had requested a female from the start.

She was lovely, reassuring, understanding and I would have no hesitation in seeing her again.

Phone them up and ask how easy it will be to see a female on the day. Just because you are booked in with a certain consultant doesn't mean you will actually be seeing that Dr...it could be a member of his team (a Registrar for e.g).

I had to go to Gynae outpatients when I was in my early 20s and would have died of embarrassment if I'd had to be seen by a man....I phoned the clinic a few weeks before my appointment and they said, no problem just let reception know when you arrive.

When I signed in at reception I just said "I've been told to let you know that I want to see a female Dr"....they said no problem.

Didn't have to wait any extra time, seen the same day/time and by a lovely female Dr (and female HCA) who made me feel very comfortable.

Sorry for what you have been through

And it may be some sort of reassurance that good practitioners CAN be very gentle - the nurse at my local GP practice does smear tests so well that I've thanked her with tears (the good sort!) in my eyes.

Oh yes of course there are wonderful female doctors. My GP (aforementioned) is so so lovely and gentle that I trust her 100%, same as my gynaecologist (who, when I had to have a spinal, crouched underneath my face (bent over for it) and spoke to me so I wasn't upset. Wonderful people :)

Good God of course you should request a female, if that is what will make it easier for you, given the history.

No one will question your wisdom in doing that at all. It is hardly the most effective way of approaching a serious examination - to do it in a way you know will panic and upset you. You are being sensible and appropriate to flag up that this would be highly triggering for you and suggest an alternative.

If you have bad experiences that recent, YANBU.

However, I live in a fairly rural area and my parents in an even more remote place.

Serious, but still small hospitals are 20&50 miles away. Consultants do out patients in various cottage hospitals. For many things you get one chance a week, if you are lucky.

If your unlucky they are on holiday and it's another week. Departments are that small. Asking for a female, even with very very good reason, might very well get us bounced to the nearest big city hospital, which is hell to get to, hell to park and huge and difficult to find your way round.

My DM was sent there for gyne, because she's a very bad GA risk. It's 80 miles from them.

YANBU to feel like this. There should be a female chaperone in the room when he examines you, and you are certainly entitled to ask for one, if one doesn't automatically appear.

I've had shedloads of gynae treatment and surgery over the last few years and have had probably in excess of 100 internal examinations. I've found that it is so much about about the person - who the doctor is - and not so much about the gender. I ADORE my male gynae surgeon: he is gentle, kind, respectful and compassionate. By contrast the female gynae I saw for a second opinion reduced me to tears and I felt humiliated, degraded and ridiculed. She was rough and did nothing to preserve my dignity. By contrast, my female gynae physio is fantastic and I adore her.

Oh, so sorry to hear that, OP

It is not your fault - as well as asking "would I have behaved like that if I encountered someone vulnerable?" as Abbie so wisely pointed out upthread, ask yourself "what would I say to a friend who told me about a similar incident?" Because I bet you wouldn't blame her, you would see her as desperately, desperately unlucky, and see the perpetrator for the completely evil arsehole he was.

Good luck - I am sure the hospital will be fine, however much you feel able to disclose.

Wow I'm actually surprised by the replies. I was expecting to be told to just get over it. I have seen people assume in other threads before that the only reason someone would turn down a male gynecologist is because you think they would be attracted to you and having sexual thoughts about you . As if that's the only reason someone would not want one.

Maybe it wasn't my fault but what I did certainly didn't help matters.

I am going to contact the hospital and ask to see a woman.

YANBU

Always ask for a female HCP for any procedure if you are unhappy with seeing a male HCP.

For what it's worth, having a female nurse or chaperone when you have a male gynaecologist does not improve the experience, so don't be fobbed off.

I guess because I don't feel ready to face up to that one yet because I kind of put myself in that position in the first place and I was stupid and feel a little bit responsible. and Maybe it wasn't my fault but what I did certainly didn't help matters.

You didn't, it wasn't your fault. The only person to blame for rape in any way is the rapist.

On the point about the only reason someone would turn down a male gynecologist is because you think they would be attracted to you and having sexual thoughts about you. I have a lesbian nurse practitioner. She does all my smears and so on. I don't want a male one. It's not about the possibility my HCP might find me attractive.

2023 and still not true.

Zombie thread. I hope the OP doesn’t mind it being dragged back up.