To think that divorced dads probably see more of their kids than workaholics?

[PenelopeChipShop]

This has been slowly dawning on me over the last year or so just through what I hear from other mums. I'm at home with our 2-year-old. DH is a partner in his business and works very long hours. It's not unusual for him not to see DS from Monday morning to Saturday morning. Then at the weekend, as he is so used to me doing everything, DS still comes to me for everything, whereas he'll see DH sitting on the sofa and just not bother him! So they don't really have much quality time together. I'm starting to worry a bit that this will affect their relationship. DS even pushes DH away or hits him if he tries to help him instead of me.

Met a mum last week who was saying what she'd done with her weekend to herself as her ex had their little one from saturday morning til sunday night - my other half has never once had sole care for that long. Is that unusual do you think?

I think this may be a bit of a dangerous mode of thinking but honestly, work seems to trump everything in some people's priorities. I really think unless DH could be home in the week SOMETIMES (even one day?) DS is not going to adjust to him and, quite importantly, not see him as an equal parent. At weekends, he does play with him a bit, but really tends to leave everything to me unless I prod - 'can you get him dressed? Shall I drop you both at the park while I do jobs/shop/clean? Look, DS is showing you something [while he's engrossed in TV/ipad]. Do you want to do the bath tonight?'

When I've pointed this out before I get told I am a 'perfectionist' and he doesn't have the same standards. I am really grappling with whether or not I'm asking too much.

YABU

It's not because your DH is a workaholic it's because he can't be arsed. My DH has a 2 hour each way commute so also only sees DS on Saturday's and Sundays. The difference is he works his arse off on those day to make up for his absence during the week. He wants a close relationship with his son so puts the effort in.

I think it is a bit of a funny thing in that way. If you're divorced then your ex probably does a lot more sole childcare, and for much longer stretches than he would have done when you're together (assuming he sees them regularly, anyway).

The flip side of course is that living together, he should be able to have the everyday, for him to be there when he gets home from work, to put him to bed some of the time, perhaps do the nursery/school run on the way to work and/or eat breakfast together if the times don't clash.

I think you should assign yourself some "time off" - an afternoon at the weekend, one evening a week, a weekend lie in where you are not to be woken unless there is a life and limb type emergency. Put him in a position where he's in sole care and hang the standards (let him work out what he thinks is important). And make it time off! Not "let me shop/cook/clean"!

Not if they are divorced workaholics....

This is actually one of the reasons I justified splitting from XH. I was doing all the childcare anyway (he works shifts so usually working at the weekend) and when he wasn't at work he was at the gym, out running, busy in the office with paperwork, out in the garage tinkering with stuff.

Basically I felt like a single parent anyway.

Since we split, he has them 1-2 nights a week (always different days depending on his shifts) but when they are at his (a smaller house with no office to escape to!) he is properly 'with' them. He cooks for them, takes them to the park, delivers them to parties, chats about their day, is in the same room while they are playing/watching TV etc.

He sees far more of them on his one night now than he ever did when he lived here.

It's not because he's a workaholic is it? Because when he's not working he is still not being a parent to his son. Sorry but he sounds like he thinks you are solely responsible for childcare and housework while he sits around. Your DS has the measure of him.

Oh God Penelope that's what I've started thinking but I don't want to split up - I just want us to feel like a team, rather than the 'team' being me and DS, and DH just sort of popping in and out when he's there but never really being properly engaged. I know that probably sounds dreadful, but honestly, that's how it feels. I've tried to explain this and he always listens and says he understands but then never really changes.

What makes me sad is that I'm worried about their relationship. This isn't about wanting help around the house, or wanting a 'break' I want them to have a good relationship. It's so important for children, for their development, emotional security… but it takes effort on the part of the parents, I think. No?

And by the way, it's not "dangerous thinking" - I would carry on thinking that way if I were you. I'm not suggesting divorce but it does seem you have two children on your hands.

YABU

There is no rule that 'divorced dads' see their children any more than when they were married to their mothers. Each situation is different.

I have often thought it a bit weird, I have seen friends split up due to stress and lack of time together, then they get weekends off when other half has the kids, then they have space to themselves and use it to find a new partner. My children are older now but in darker moments when they were tiny I would fantasise about us splitting up so he would have them all weekend.

Yabu my ex IS a workoholic and he now dumps the kids on the ow rather than me on access days! She's thrilled

He is a good dad but he is self employed and work has always been his priority

This is what I love about MN sometimes, there is always someone who gets you. Neckless I think that may be it, I'm pretty down at the moment and maybe it's just a dark fantasy.

One thing I know though, if that happened, the LAST thing I would do is go out looking for another partner. I would never marry again, I don't think I would live with a man again. If the worst happened I would stay single. I just know it.

The thing is that it's hard to feel like a single parent when you are not, in fact, single. Partly because of the assumptions other people make, that you get a break, that you have help with this or that… when you don't. And you're embarrassed to say that you don't, because it sounds like there's something wrong.

The thing is that it's hard to feel like a single parent when you are not, in fact, single. Partly because of the assumptions other people make, that you get a break, that you have help with this or that… when you don't. And you're embarrassed to say that you don't, because it sounds like there's something wrong

Forgive me, but are you complaining that you're not getting the 'benefits' of being a single parent? I'm also not understanding what is embarrassing about saying 'i'm married'

Or should i say the 'benefits' you assume single parents all get.

I get you. Mine are older now but I too used to think DH would be forced to spend proper time with the DC's if we got divorced. And I would get a proper break.

Still think about it now sometimes.

She's not embarrassed about saying she's married - but that people make the assumption that both parents help out when in her marriage that doesn't happen.

My dp works 12 hour shifts in varying patterns and then does overtime as well so I do feel like a single parent at times although I obviously don't know how hard that really is. He's worked the last 5 weekend s then he's off in the week when we are at school/work and gets time alone in the house which is annoying to me. You somehow have to carve out some time for yourself or give him specific tasks or a list . It's like having the disadvantages of being a sp without the advantages (being in sole charge, pleasing yourself, getting support).Sorry I'm off sick and a bit rambly

DiaDuit I didn't mean to imply that there are any 'benefits' to being a single parent, though I take the point that the title of the post probably sounds that way.

Also you misunderstood the bit about being embarrassed. I didn't say I was embarrassed to be married. I said it would be embarrassing to admit to fellow married people, who assume your husband plays a role similar to the one that theirs does, that actually he doesn't. There's no way to be honest about this in real life. Either you just sound like a martyr or it sounds as though you don't have a nice family life/quality family time at the weekends.

There are different sorts of teams. One sort is where one slaves away to bring in the money and the other does the children and house. But for a team like that to work you both need to value and respect the other one's contribution, and this is really hard to do if you never do each other's 'jobs'. And it needs to be something you've agreed.

My dad used to be out of the house until we were asleep every night, running his own business. He says now that he always thought he was putting us first, but with hindsight he sees he didn't ACT that way, and he regrets it.

See if your DH can carve out a couple of regular nights for doing bedtimes, or a chunk of time at the weekend when they do something special together. Maybe he could get a farm pass and make a regular outing, or library, swimming, even just visiting a cafe. You need to be elsewhere. It'll give DS a starting point. He will probably want you to start with but he will settle as long as your DH persists and stays positive with him - that is quite hard. I'm lucky, DH has always prioritised being home for bedtime but he did have to peel DC1 off me for bedtime every night at age 1. He found it tough to be the less favoured parent, but he powered through and daddy bedtime is v important to our DC now.

There's no way to be honest about this in real life

Of course there is. You just say that DH works long hours. It isnt unusual and nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm sure you would find that other people you mentioned it too would say they are in the same boat or at least have an idea of what that is like. It may also have the lovely result of some of them offering to babysit to give you a break. Dont be embarrassed about it- many many people work very long hours and it isnt a sign of anything being wrong.

Assuming you're not demanding he goes out and works all hours to be a hunter gatherer and keep you in a WAG-tastic lifestyle then YANBU to think he could be prioritsing differently.

My kids are at achool now but I've booked a day off work next week to sit and watch TV, read mags and have copious amounts of tea and biscuits. My husband DOES do his fair share but I still feel the need to "steal" a day all to myself so I can well imagine why you feel the way you do.

YANBU

My friend's partner works long hours and their 10 month old son won't even go to his dad. It's like he doesn't know who he is.

The same goes for my best friend and her DH - exactly the same thing except their baby is 7 months old.

But on the flip side the men are working long hours to provide the money so it really isn't their fault and I'm sure they feel really shitty about it.

On the other side of the coin, my sisters ex only worked normal hours but in the evenings and weekends he'd hardly do anything with the children. When their children were 6 and 4 she asked him to leave and the children didn't notice he'd gone for about 5 days until her son eventually asked where daddy had gone. My sister and her ex eventually got back together but it all went pear shaped (due to his lack of interest in the children) and my sister left him. She and the children, who were now 5 and 7 came to live with me for 3 weeks and not once did they even mention their dad. They were so used to him not being there or not doing anything with them that his absence was of no significance to them. Very sad really.

My parents are divorced and when me and my sister were growing up we saw loads of our dad!! He had us Friday evening to Sunday night and it was lovely having that quality time with him.

YANBU . My friend kicked her XH out after years of trying to make it work. He was a workaholic and was never home with the DC. Now he has them one night a week and one day a weekend and spends far more time with them than he did when they were married. He would never go on holiday before, but now he takes them away at least once a year.

My XH however, did usually see DD every day, despite working odd hours, but now he only sees her EOW and I fear that will become less now that he has moved 2.5 hours away from her or if his gf has a baby.

However YABU, having a workaholic DH is not the same as being a single parent. You do have somebody to help make decisions, to help pay the bills and who is there for you. You have somebody to share school reports with, and to talk about your day with.

I get friends who envy my lifestyle of having EOW to myself. However I envy their family life. I would rather be sharing weekends and evenings with a DH and my child, than have EOW on my own. I usually end up working just because all my friends are busy with their families.

A friend said a few weeks ago, oh you are out once a fortnight, I wish I could do that and I replied that I would rather be home with my DH and child, but I don't have a choice.

I think in your situation, you need to ask your DH to do something with DS, just the two of them maybe once a month, or EOW, just for a few hours. Take him swimming, or to the park, or whatever, but just something that they do together, just them.

XH used to take DD to the park while I cooked lunch, or play in the garden with her while I cooked tea, and he used to give her breakfast every morning while I was in the shower. just little things, but she used to love spending time with him. She was a proper daddy's girl before he left.

YANBU. Men like your husband need to realise that if his marriage broke down he would have to do ten times more childcare, and on his own, than he does now.

My DH thinks that if we ever split up, he should be able to have the kids 50/50. When I asked him how he would achieve such things as school runs and holiday cover with his highly stressful, long hours job, he went very quiet.

My DP spent his weekdays 200 miles from me and DS1 for a complete year between DS1's first and second birthdays, (basically he changed jobs and we struggled to sell our house).

DP got home very late on a Friday and left Sunday afternoons. And every time he left DS1 would have a little cry. . Because in the short time DP was with us he was fully engaged with DS1 and they adored each other. DS1 is 20 now and still very much his Dad's boy.

I don't think it's your husband's lack of time OP, sadly it's his lack of interest.

I think that the non-main-carer can get quite scared of being in sole charge. They know that the main carer will do it better/more automatically, and they themselves may feel unsure what to do (which isn't nice for someone who is normally competent or a high achiever).

It therefore becomes easier for them to sit back and let the main carer continue. And of course the DCs go to the main carer when available.

OP, my suggestion would be for you to carve out some (significant) time out of the house for yourself so your DH has to step up. You may find that once he has to do it he finds that not only does he enjoy it, but that he is also quite good at it.
Even if you have to organise it by saying 'please take DS to zoo and then cooking him beans on toast for tea'. Maybe also write a list of 'things needed when going out' or make sure there is a standard pre-packed bag available.
Then at least they are spending 1-1 time together.